-Yesterday afternoon, when I was resting in bed, the Holy Spirit reminded me of an incident. It wasn't too long after I started coming to this church so it was years ago. The Holy Spirit impressed on me that I needed to forgive my parents. I thought that was kind of weird as they both were deceased by that time. This is the situation that I needed to forgive. I had an older brother, the oldest of my siblings, but he passed away before I was born. After three girls, when I was born, they really, really wanted a boy, In fact, I still remember my mother saying that she wasn't excited about me being born as she knew that I would be another stinking girl. The fact that I remembered it after so many years shows how badly I must have felt hurt and rejection. But, as I was thinking about this yesterday, it dawned on me that the comment was probably meant as a joke but, because I was a child, I took it literally and carried the hurt all these years.
As I was thinking about it all, I realized that writing this down might help me to release forgiveness to my parents for making me feel like I was less welcome for being a girl. I had good, loving parents who would never have knowingly said anything to hurt me but, just like all us humans, they sometimes said things that they shouldn't have. I am not entirely sure why God wanted me to share this but the Bible does have a lot to say our words and this is a prime example of how careless words can hurt badly for a long time.
Me
At the beloved/hated writing vessel
Friday, 25 April 2014
Friday, 18 April 2014
Holidays
-Because today is Good Friday, I decided to share a bit about how hard holidays are on me emotionally. For plenty of other people as well, I am sure. At Easter, of course, I know that I should primarily be focused on the death and resurrection of Jesus but there are aspects of it, or any other holiday that I do struggle with.
The main one is that it is such a family time. No matter how good friends people are, when holidays come round, they want to spend time with family. And that is the way it should be. But, if people are not able to spend time with family, for whatever reason., holidays are an extremely lonely time.
I should mention that, here in Long Term Care, they do give us special meals for holidays but it is not the same as the homecooking and fellowship of being with family.
By far the most difficult holiday for me is Mother's Day. Now that my children are older and would be away from home anyway, it doesn't bother me quite as much as when they were little and I couldn't be with them. I admit that I have found going to church difficult on Mother's Day. Not that I ever thought of not going. I really am glad that the mothers are acknowledged, they deserve it, but it's hard for me to listen to year after year when I have never been able to be a "real" mother to them. But, like I said, it is easier now that they are older.
As I was writing this, the thought crossed my mind that a lot of holidays have strong Christian connotations. At Christmas it is the birth of Jesus, at Easter it is the resurrection of Jesus and Thanksgiving it is thankfulness to God for harvest. I need to concentrate more on what these holidays really mean and less on all I miss out on. I wish, though, it was as easy to do as it is to say!
For me, perhaps the best thing about a holiday is that it is soon over and life returns to normal for everybody!
The main one is that it is such a family time. No matter how good friends people are, when holidays come round, they want to spend time with family. And that is the way it should be. But, if people are not able to spend time with family, for whatever reason., holidays are an extremely lonely time.
I should mention that, here in Long Term Care, they do give us special meals for holidays but it is not the same as the homecooking and fellowship of being with family.
By far the most difficult holiday for me is Mother's Day. Now that my children are older and would be away from home anyway, it doesn't bother me quite as much as when they were little and I couldn't be with them. I admit that I have found going to church difficult on Mother's Day. Not that I ever thought of not going. I really am glad that the mothers are acknowledged, they deserve it, but it's hard for me to listen to year after year when I have never been able to be a "real" mother to them. But, like I said, it is easier now that they are older.
As I was writing this, the thought crossed my mind that a lot of holidays have strong Christian connotations. At Christmas it is the birth of Jesus, at Easter it is the resurrection of Jesus and Thanksgiving it is thankfulness to God for harvest. I need to concentrate more on what these holidays really mean and less on all I miss out on. I wish, though, it was as easy to do as it is to say!
For me, perhaps the best thing about a holiday is that it is soon over and life returns to normal for everybody!
Friday, 11 April 2014
Long Term Care-My TEMPORARY Home
-When I first came to Long Term Care, I was considerably younger than I am now. I remember sitting in the dining room and thinking, "What on earth am I doing with all those old people ?" The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "These people are often forgotten but they are still My people."
Because both of my grandfathers died before I was born and my grandmothers passed while I was still quite young, I was never around elderly people much. Even now, I don't see the other people in here that much as I spend most of the time in my room, either on my computer or resting in bed. However, I do see them at meals. It has given me more understanding and compassion for seniors.
One word I would use to describe people in a facility like this is "lonely". The nurses are really good with these people but they always have work to do so they don't have a lot of time just to visit. I am thinking that is where family and friends should come in. Some of the the families are really good and spend a lot of time here. Then others come sometimes but not as often. Unfortunately, there always seem to be some people who never seem to get any visitors. Unless, of course, they come when I am in my room. There are a couple things that bothers me about the visitors that these people do get. One is when they breeze in, spend five minutes and breeze out again. The other thing that irritates me is when people come to visit somebody and spend most of the time talking to somebody else. It has been done to me too so I know it doesn't feel very nice.
Another word to describe this place would be "tedious". The same thing at the same time day after day. There is recreation staff who plan activities for these people and do take them on outings. Unfortunately, they have to use the handibus so that limits the number of people they can take at one time. I go with them once in awhile but not often. I get out more so I figure leave it for others.
The rent here is not cheap but when you consider that it includes food and everything keeps getting more and more expensive, I don't imagine they have much choice but to set the rent as high as it is. The food is not bad, most times and there is always plenty of it but it is definitely not gourmet! The worst thing is the same food cooked the same way over and over and over.
When I first came to Long Term Care, different churches used to come and give little services once a week but that fell by the wayside and now the only church group that comes here are the Catholics. I am really not too sure why they stop coming but I have sometimes wondered if it had something to do with the fact that these people are not very responsive.
Life in Long Term Care is hardly thrilling but, like all of us, I need to be thankful for where God has chosen to put me RIGHT NOW. It could be a lot worse and it has taught me an appreciation for the elderly that I never had before.
Because both of my grandfathers died before I was born and my grandmothers passed while I was still quite young, I was never around elderly people much. Even now, I don't see the other people in here that much as I spend most of the time in my room, either on my computer or resting in bed. However, I do see them at meals. It has given me more understanding and compassion for seniors.
One word I would use to describe people in a facility like this is "lonely". The nurses are really good with these people but they always have work to do so they don't have a lot of time just to visit. I am thinking that is where family and friends should come in. Some of the the families are really good and spend a lot of time here. Then others come sometimes but not as often. Unfortunately, there always seem to be some people who never seem to get any visitors. Unless, of course, they come when I am in my room. There are a couple things that bothers me about the visitors that these people do get. One is when they breeze in, spend five minutes and breeze out again. The other thing that irritates me is when people come to visit somebody and spend most of the time talking to somebody else. It has been done to me too so I know it doesn't feel very nice.
Another word to describe this place would be "tedious". The same thing at the same time day after day. There is recreation staff who plan activities for these people and do take them on outings. Unfortunately, they have to use the handibus so that limits the number of people they can take at one time. I go with them once in awhile but not often. I get out more so I figure leave it for others.
The rent here is not cheap but when you consider that it includes food and everything keeps getting more and more expensive, I don't imagine they have much choice but to set the rent as high as it is. The food is not bad, most times and there is always plenty of it but it is definitely not gourmet! The worst thing is the same food cooked the same way over and over and over.
When I first came to Long Term Care, different churches used to come and give little services once a week but that fell by the wayside and now the only church group that comes here are the Catholics. I am really not too sure why they stop coming but I have sometimes wondered if it had something to do with the fact that these people are not very responsive.
Life in Long Term Care is hardly thrilling but, like all of us, I need to be thankful for where God has chosen to put me RIGHT NOW. It could be a lot worse and it has taught me an appreciation for the elderly that I never had before.
Friday, 4 April 2014
How The World Has Changed
-Once in awhile, I think that,even though I do want to be healed and live a "normal" life again, I don't want to leave my quiet life for the rat race that is life out "there". I do know that it is a rat race because I have friends who are always busy and rushing around. I do understand that the quiet life that I lead, while tedious, is also much more conducive to a relationship with God. But I do also know that the time will come, the sooner the better, when I will have to return to the world and adapt myself to all changes that have taken place since the stroke. Right now, my "world" consists of the church and the hospital so I am probably not even aware of the changes but I have observed a few.
The first one has to be all the technology. When I had the stroke, there were no such things as cell phones and we were just starting to hear about computers. Now there are gadgets for this and devices for that. Because I can't use them anyway, I have no interest in them. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am far from crazy about all this technology. This computer is all the technology I want or need. I must admit, though, that I do really enjoy having skype on my computer. I use it to visit with my daughter and grandson.
So how did somebody who doesn't like technology end up writing a blog? After being nagged about it by friends, I decided I should pray about it. So I did and I really felt that God wanted me to do it. I admit that it has been a stretch for me, probably exactly what God intended, as it means opening myself up to others.
Another change that has come to my attention is how expensive everything is. Once in awhile I go to a grocery store to pick up something. I am always amazed at the prices. How can people afford to feed their families? Then there is the cost of housing. Just before the stroke, our house was appraised at, I think, $80, 000. Even that seemed like a lot of money back then but it is nothing compared to the staggering prices these days.
I also find it quite amazing to think about the amounts of money people are making compared to back when I was teaching. But, considering the cost of everything, I can understand why.
Lastly, there has been a change in Cold Lake itself. Before the stroke, there were two towns of Cold Lake and Grand Center but now there is one city of Cold Lake North and South. However, the change I like least is that so many trees have been or are being cut down for more and more construction.
I am so out of touch with everything except God. And that is not a bad thing!
The first one has to be all the technology. When I had the stroke, there were no such things as cell phones and we were just starting to hear about computers. Now there are gadgets for this and devices for that. Because I can't use them anyway, I have no interest in them. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am far from crazy about all this technology. This computer is all the technology I want or need. I must admit, though, that I do really enjoy having skype on my computer. I use it to visit with my daughter and grandson.
So how did somebody who doesn't like technology end up writing a blog? After being nagged about it by friends, I decided I should pray about it. So I did and I really felt that God wanted me to do it. I admit that it has been a stretch for me, probably exactly what God intended, as it means opening myself up to others.
Another change that has come to my attention is how expensive everything is. Once in awhile I go to a grocery store to pick up something. I am always amazed at the prices. How can people afford to feed their families? Then there is the cost of housing. Just before the stroke, our house was appraised at, I think, $80, 000. Even that seemed like a lot of money back then but it is nothing compared to the staggering prices these days.
I also find it quite amazing to think about the amounts of money people are making compared to back when I was teaching. But, considering the cost of everything, I can understand why.
Lastly, there has been a change in Cold Lake itself. Before the stroke, there were two towns of Cold Lake and Grand Center but now there is one city of Cold Lake North and South. However, the change I like least is that so many trees have been or are being cut down for more and more construction.
I am so out of touch with everything except God. And that is not a bad thing!
Friday, 28 March 2014
Emotions
-Physically, it has been a long, extremely difficult 30 years. Only God could have gotten me through it. But it has been just as difficult emotionally.
In the beginning, in the ambulance on the way to Edmonton, I could feel the paralysis creeping slowly over my limbs and I was utterly terrified. Even after all these years, I still remember that feeling of terror. When I woke up after the coma that I had slipped into, over a month later, it was only to discover that I could no longer walk or talk. At first, I thought that it was just a bad dream but it wasn't long before I had to accept the reality of my situation and that was pretty traumatic. One more thing. In my testimony, I briefly touched on the year before my salvation. It was full of negative emotions. However, it was such a depressing time in my life that I have no desire to revisit it.
Now that I am a Christian, there are still plenty of negative emotions for me to deal with. One of the most difficult things for me was watching my kids grow up and never to be a real mother to them. I am a mother and I love my kids as much as any other mother so it has been really painful. Now that I have a little grandson, I have to deal with the fact that I can't be a "normal" grandmother to him.
Another emotionally difficult time for me was when my husband asked for a divorce. I agreed to it because my kids were small at the time and I knew they needed a mother. It was a shock, though. He had been with me through it all and suddenly he was gone. The good thing is that by then I had become a Christian so I prayed about it until I was ok with it. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about the decision I made. In fact, from time to time, I think how unfair it would have been to keep him tied to me all these years.
Right now, I am struggling with a couple of issues in my life. The first is the question of where do I belong. Even though I know that I need the care, I really don't feel like I belong in Long Term Care with the seniors. Even though I am getting to be a senior myself! On the other hand, I don't feel like I belong in church either. Not when there are so many activities that I can never be part of.
The second thing I am struggling with is a feeling of being a nuisance to everybody. It is hard not to when I know very well that people could do things a lot more quickly and efficiently without me.
Those are just a few of the negative emotions that have dealt with or are still struggling with. Not that there haven't been times of positive emotions. There have been. Afterall, God gave us both. I merely want the reader to understand , that in addition to my physical struggles,I also have emotional issues to deal with. At times, I am not even sure that I am thinking straight anymore.
In the beginning, in the ambulance on the way to Edmonton, I could feel the paralysis creeping slowly over my limbs and I was utterly terrified. Even after all these years, I still remember that feeling of terror. When I woke up after the coma that I had slipped into, over a month later, it was only to discover that I could no longer walk or talk. At first, I thought that it was just a bad dream but it wasn't long before I had to accept the reality of my situation and that was pretty traumatic. One more thing. In my testimony, I briefly touched on the year before my salvation. It was full of negative emotions. However, it was such a depressing time in my life that I have no desire to revisit it.
Now that I am a Christian, there are still plenty of negative emotions for me to deal with. One of the most difficult things for me was watching my kids grow up and never to be a real mother to them. I am a mother and I love my kids as much as any other mother so it has been really painful. Now that I have a little grandson, I have to deal with the fact that I can't be a "normal" grandmother to him.
Another emotionally difficult time for me was when my husband asked for a divorce. I agreed to it because my kids were small at the time and I knew they needed a mother. It was a shock, though. He had been with me through it all and suddenly he was gone. The good thing is that by then I had become a Christian so I prayed about it until I was ok with it. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about the decision I made. In fact, from time to time, I think how unfair it would have been to keep him tied to me all these years.
Right now, I am struggling with a couple of issues in my life. The first is the question of where do I belong. Even though I know that I need the care, I really don't feel like I belong in Long Term Care with the seniors. Even though I am getting to be a senior myself! On the other hand, I don't feel like I belong in church either. Not when there are so many activities that I can never be part of.
The second thing I am struggling with is a feeling of being a nuisance to everybody. It is hard not to when I know very well that people could do things a lot more quickly and efficiently without me.
Those are just a few of the negative emotions that have dealt with or are still struggling with. Not that there haven't been times of positive emotions. There have been. Afterall, God gave us both. I merely want the reader to understand , that in addition to my physical struggles,I also have emotional issues to deal with. At times, I am not even sure that I am thinking straight anymore.
Friday, 21 March 2014
What Jesus Did For Me
Before I start writing, I just want to mention that, if anybody out there has a question, feel free to e-mail me atlinspil@telus.net
-Actually, the inspiration for this blog came from our church service this past Sunday. They sang a song that said something about all Jesus has done for us and I just knew that was what I was going to write about. So here are a few things that Jesus has done for me.
1. Saved my life-Even though I was not a Christian at the time, I am sure that Jesus was instrumental in my survival. Afterall, He has a plan for my life but how could it be fulfilled if I died? The doctor said that I only had a 50% chance of living. But live I did and, when I was out of danger, the doctor told my husband that one of the reasons that I lived was because my heart and lungs were so strong from all the exercising I was doing at the time of the stroke. I suspect that Jesus put the desire for exercise in my heart because, until a few months before the stroke, I had no interest in getting into shape.
2. Saved me from going to hell-The most important thing that Jesus did for me was to change my final destination from hell to Heaven. Too often I think that this life is hell but I know that, compared to going to the real thing, this life is a picnic!
3. Has healed me-It is a done deal! I am not waiting to get healed. I am just waiting for the healing to get on the outside where it can be seen. I need to remind myself of that from time to time.
4. Gave His Word (Bible)-I love reading the Bible! It is my antidepressant. When I start to feel agitated, frustrated and/or depressed, if I am sitting up and can read the Bible on my computer, it usually calms me down and makes me feel better.
5. Fellowship-My inability to speak makes fellowship with other people, especially several at a time, pretty difficult. Because of it, I do lead a pretty lonely life. However, also because of it, I have learned to fellowship with Jesus all the time in my mind. Believe me, He has heard it all-good, bad and ugly!
6. Gave His Presence-I am aware of the presence of God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit all the time but there are times when I feel the Presence in a special way. Like a liquid heat enveloping my body. Sometimes I feel it at church, especially during the praise and worship. Sometimes I feel it when I am lying in bed, listening to Christian music. But I also feel it quite often when I am upset, crying and feeling desperate. Like He is giving me a spiritual hug or something.
7. Gave me peace-Sometimes people will say how peaceful it is in my room. One thing I know that makes for peace is the Christian music that I have playing most of the time. Another thing that aids in a peaceful atmosphere is the scentsy that I have burning. Much better than some of the smells in this place! But the peaceful atmosphere seems to disappear when I take my focus off Jesus and start feeling sorry for myself.
8. Gave me joy-When I was first saved I felt so much joy that I barely noticed the circumstances of my day-to-day life. But, as the years have gone by, I seem to have lost most of my joy. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit so I know that it is there somewhere.
These are just a few of the many things that Jesus has done for me.
-Actually, the inspiration for this blog came from our church service this past Sunday. They sang a song that said something about all Jesus has done for us and I just knew that was what I was going to write about. So here are a few things that Jesus has done for me.
1. Saved my life-Even though I was not a Christian at the time, I am sure that Jesus was instrumental in my survival. Afterall, He has a plan for my life but how could it be fulfilled if I died? The doctor said that I only had a 50% chance of living. But live I did and, when I was out of danger, the doctor told my husband that one of the reasons that I lived was because my heart and lungs were so strong from all the exercising I was doing at the time of the stroke. I suspect that Jesus put the desire for exercise in my heart because, until a few months before the stroke, I had no interest in getting into shape.
2. Saved me from going to hell-The most important thing that Jesus did for me was to change my final destination from hell to Heaven. Too often I think that this life is hell but I know that, compared to going to the real thing, this life is a picnic!
3. Has healed me-It is a done deal! I am not waiting to get healed. I am just waiting for the healing to get on the outside where it can be seen. I need to remind myself of that from time to time.
4. Gave His Word (Bible)-I love reading the Bible! It is my antidepressant. When I start to feel agitated, frustrated and/or depressed, if I am sitting up and can read the Bible on my computer, it usually calms me down and makes me feel better.
5. Fellowship-My inability to speak makes fellowship with other people, especially several at a time, pretty difficult. Because of it, I do lead a pretty lonely life. However, also because of it, I have learned to fellowship with Jesus all the time in my mind. Believe me, He has heard it all-good, bad and ugly!
6. Gave His Presence-I am aware of the presence of God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit all the time but there are times when I feel the Presence in a special way. Like a liquid heat enveloping my body. Sometimes I feel it at church, especially during the praise and worship. Sometimes I feel it when I am lying in bed, listening to Christian music. But I also feel it quite often when I am upset, crying and feeling desperate. Like He is giving me a spiritual hug or something.
7. Gave me peace-Sometimes people will say how peaceful it is in my room. One thing I know that makes for peace is the Christian music that I have playing most of the time. Another thing that aids in a peaceful atmosphere is the scentsy that I have burning. Much better than some of the smells in this place! But the peaceful atmosphere seems to disappear when I take my focus off Jesus and start feeling sorry for myself.
8. Gave me joy-When I was first saved I felt so much joy that I barely noticed the circumstances of my day-to-day life. But, as the years have gone by, I seem to have lost most of my joy. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit so I know that it is there somewhere.
These are just a few of the many things that Jesus has done for me.
Friday, 14 March 2014
What Keeps Me Going
-Sometimes, when I am resting in bed, I wonder how on earth I have lasted this long and still be relatively sane. The obvious answer is nothing but the grace of God. Sometimes, people will say to me that they couldn't do what I am doing. Of course, they couldn't because they haven't been called to it. But, if they had been,the grace would be there to help them to get through it. God will never ask us to do something and not provide the grace for it.
However, I suspect that there are a couple of other things that are helping me to "keep on keeping on", so to speak. The first one is hope. We all need hope. When I first became a Christian, like most new Christians, I had a lot of zeal without much knowledge and I honestly believed that God would zap me and I would be the same as before. But, as the years have gone by, much of of the zeal has turned to plodding endurance and I am no longer expecting God to zap me at any moment. Though I still believe that it is possible. Anything is possible with God. Over the years my hope may have dimmed a little but it is still there. I am still sure that I will have a better life. Not just in Heaven but in this world as well.
The second thing that helps to keep me going may sound a bit funny but I believe that it is my stubborn personality. Years ago I was repenting to God for my stubborn streak and He surprised me by saying that a stubborn streak is not necessarily a bad thing. It just depends how it is used. I do know that if I wasn't so stubborn, or determined, I would have caved in long ago. Who knows where I would be. Perhaps in a mental hospital or even dead. But, for me, it is very simple. God said it, I believe it and I am too ornery to give up!
However, I suspect that there are a couple of other things that are helping me to "keep on keeping on", so to speak. The first one is hope. We all need hope. When I first became a Christian, like most new Christians, I had a lot of zeal without much knowledge and I honestly believed that God would zap me and I would be the same as before. But, as the years have gone by, much of of the zeal has turned to plodding endurance and I am no longer expecting God to zap me at any moment. Though I still believe that it is possible. Anything is possible with God. Over the years my hope may have dimmed a little but it is still there. I am still sure that I will have a better life. Not just in Heaven but in this world as well.
The second thing that helps to keep me going may sound a bit funny but I believe that it is my stubborn personality. Years ago I was repenting to God for my stubborn streak and He surprised me by saying that a stubborn streak is not necessarily a bad thing. It just depends how it is used. I do know that if I wasn't so stubborn, or determined, I would have caved in long ago. Who knows where I would be. Perhaps in a mental hospital or even dead. But, for me, it is very simple. God said it, I believe it and I am too ornery to give up!
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