Emotions

-Physically, it has been a long, extremely difficult 30 years. Only God could have gotten me through it. But it has been just as difficult emotionally.

In the beginning, in the ambulance on the way to Edmonton, I could feel the paralysis creeping slowly over my limbs and I was utterly terrified. Even after all these years, I still remember that feeling of terror. When I woke up after the coma that I had slipped into, over a month later, it was only to discover that I could no longer walk or talk. At first, I thought that it was just a bad dream but it wasn't long before I had to accept the reality of my situation and that was pretty traumatic. One more thing. In my testimony, I briefly touched on the year before my salvation. It was full of negative emotions. However, it was such a depressing  time in my life that I have no desire to revisit it.

Now that I am a Christian, there are still plenty of negative emotions for me to deal with. One of the most difficult things for me was watching my kids grow up and never to be a real mother to them. I am a mother and I love my kids as much as any other mother so it has been really painful. Now that I have a little grandson, I have to deal with the fact that I can't be a "normal" grandmother to him.

Another emotionally difficult time for me was when my husband asked for a divorce. I agreed to it because my kids were small at the time and I knew they needed a mother. It was a shock, though. He had been with me through it all and suddenly he was gone. The good thing is that by then I had become a Christian so I prayed about it until I was ok with it. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about the decision I made. In fact, from time to time, I think how unfair it would have been to keep him tied to me all these years.

Right now, I am struggling with a couple of issues in my life. The first is the question of where do I belong. Even though I know that I need the care, I really don't feel like I belong in Long Term Care with the seniors. Even though I am getting to be a senior myself! On the other hand, I don't feel like I belong in church either. Not when there are so many activities that I can never be part of.

The second thing I am struggling with is a feeling of being a nuisance to everybody. It is hard not to when I know very well that people could do things a lot more quickly and efficiently without me.

Those are just a few of the negative emotions that have dealt with or are still struggling with. Not that there haven't been times of positive emotions. There have been. Afterall, God gave us both. I merely want the reader to understand , that in addition to my physical struggles,I also have emotional issues to deal with. At times, I am not even sure that I am thinking straight anymore.