-Physically, it has been a long, extremely difficult 30 years. Only God could have gotten me through it. But it has been just as difficult emotionally.
In the beginning, in the ambulance on the way to Edmonton, I could feel the paralysis creeping slowly over my limbs and I was utterly terrified. Even after all these years, I still remember that feeling of terror. When I woke up after the coma that I had slipped into, over a month later, it was only to discover that I could no longer walk or talk. At first, I thought that it was just a bad dream but it wasn't long before I had to accept the reality of my situation and that was pretty traumatic. One more thing. In my testimony, I briefly touched on the year before my salvation. It was full of negative emotions. However, it was such a depressing time in my life that I have no desire to revisit it.
Now that I am a Christian, there are still plenty of negative emotions for me to deal with. One of the most difficult things for me was watching my kids grow up and never to be a real mother to them. I am a mother and I love my kids as much as any other mother so it has been really painful. Now that I have a little grandson, I have to deal with the fact that I can't be a "normal" grandmother to him.
Another emotionally difficult time for me was when my husband asked for a divorce. I agreed to it because my kids were small at the time and I knew they needed a mother. It was a shock, though. He had been with me through it all and suddenly he was gone. The good thing is that by then I had become a Christian so I prayed about it until I was ok with it. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about the decision I made. In fact, from time to time, I think how unfair it would have been to keep him tied to me all these years.
Right now, I am struggling with a couple of issues in my life. The first is the question of where do I belong. Even though I know that I need the care, I really don't feel like I belong in Long Term Care with the seniors. Even though I am getting to be a senior myself! On the other hand, I don't feel like I belong in church either. Not when there are so many activities that I can never be part of.
The second thing I am struggling with is a feeling of being a nuisance to everybody. It is hard not to when I know very well that people could do things a lot more quickly and efficiently without me.
Those are just a few of the negative emotions that have dealt with or are still struggling with. Not that there haven't been times of positive emotions. There have been. Afterall, God gave us both. I merely want the reader to understand , that in addition to my physical struggles,I also have emotional issues to deal with. At times, I am not even sure that I am thinking straight anymore.
Me
At the beloved/hated writing vessel
Friday, 28 March 2014
Friday, 21 March 2014
What Jesus Did For Me
Before I start writing, I just want to mention that, if anybody out there has a question, feel free to e-mail me atlinspil@telus.net
-Actually, the inspiration for this blog came from our church service this past Sunday. They sang a song that said something about all Jesus has done for us and I just knew that was what I was going to write about. So here are a few things that Jesus has done for me.
1. Saved my life-Even though I was not a Christian at the time, I am sure that Jesus was instrumental in my survival. Afterall, He has a plan for my life but how could it be fulfilled if I died? The doctor said that I only had a 50% chance of living. But live I did and, when I was out of danger, the doctor told my husband that one of the reasons that I lived was because my heart and lungs were so strong from all the exercising I was doing at the time of the stroke. I suspect that Jesus put the desire for exercise in my heart because, until a few months before the stroke, I had no interest in getting into shape.
2. Saved me from going to hell-The most important thing that Jesus did for me was to change my final destination from hell to Heaven. Too often I think that this life is hell but I know that, compared to going to the real thing, this life is a picnic!
3. Has healed me-It is a done deal! I am not waiting to get healed. I am just waiting for the healing to get on the outside where it can be seen. I need to remind myself of that from time to time.
4. Gave His Word (Bible)-I love reading the Bible! It is my antidepressant. When I start to feel agitated, frustrated and/or depressed, if I am sitting up and can read the Bible on my computer, it usually calms me down and makes me feel better.
5. Fellowship-My inability to speak makes fellowship with other people, especially several at a time, pretty difficult. Because of it, I do lead a pretty lonely life. However, also because of it, I have learned to fellowship with Jesus all the time in my mind. Believe me, He has heard it all-good, bad and ugly!
6. Gave His Presence-I am aware of the presence of God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit all the time but there are times when I feel the Presence in a special way. Like a liquid heat enveloping my body. Sometimes I feel it at church, especially during the praise and worship. Sometimes I feel it when I am lying in bed, listening to Christian music. But I also feel it quite often when I am upset, crying and feeling desperate. Like He is giving me a spiritual hug or something.
7. Gave me peace-Sometimes people will say how peaceful it is in my room. One thing I know that makes for peace is the Christian music that I have playing most of the time. Another thing that aids in a peaceful atmosphere is the scentsy that I have burning. Much better than some of the smells in this place! But the peaceful atmosphere seems to disappear when I take my focus off Jesus and start feeling sorry for myself.
8. Gave me joy-When I was first saved I felt so much joy that I barely noticed the circumstances of my day-to-day life. But, as the years have gone by, I seem to have lost most of my joy. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit so I know that it is there somewhere.
These are just a few of the many things that Jesus has done for me.
-Actually, the inspiration for this blog came from our church service this past Sunday. They sang a song that said something about all Jesus has done for us and I just knew that was what I was going to write about. So here are a few things that Jesus has done for me.
1. Saved my life-Even though I was not a Christian at the time, I am sure that Jesus was instrumental in my survival. Afterall, He has a plan for my life but how could it be fulfilled if I died? The doctor said that I only had a 50% chance of living. But live I did and, when I was out of danger, the doctor told my husband that one of the reasons that I lived was because my heart and lungs were so strong from all the exercising I was doing at the time of the stroke. I suspect that Jesus put the desire for exercise in my heart because, until a few months before the stroke, I had no interest in getting into shape.
2. Saved me from going to hell-The most important thing that Jesus did for me was to change my final destination from hell to Heaven. Too often I think that this life is hell but I know that, compared to going to the real thing, this life is a picnic!
3. Has healed me-It is a done deal! I am not waiting to get healed. I am just waiting for the healing to get on the outside where it can be seen. I need to remind myself of that from time to time.
4. Gave His Word (Bible)-I love reading the Bible! It is my antidepressant. When I start to feel agitated, frustrated and/or depressed, if I am sitting up and can read the Bible on my computer, it usually calms me down and makes me feel better.
5. Fellowship-My inability to speak makes fellowship with other people, especially several at a time, pretty difficult. Because of it, I do lead a pretty lonely life. However, also because of it, I have learned to fellowship with Jesus all the time in my mind. Believe me, He has heard it all-good, bad and ugly!
6. Gave His Presence-I am aware of the presence of God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit all the time but there are times when I feel the Presence in a special way. Like a liquid heat enveloping my body. Sometimes I feel it at church, especially during the praise and worship. Sometimes I feel it when I am lying in bed, listening to Christian music. But I also feel it quite often when I am upset, crying and feeling desperate. Like He is giving me a spiritual hug or something.
7. Gave me peace-Sometimes people will say how peaceful it is in my room. One thing I know that makes for peace is the Christian music that I have playing most of the time. Another thing that aids in a peaceful atmosphere is the scentsy that I have burning. Much better than some of the smells in this place! But the peaceful atmosphere seems to disappear when I take my focus off Jesus and start feeling sorry for myself.
8. Gave me joy-When I was first saved I felt so much joy that I barely noticed the circumstances of my day-to-day life. But, as the years have gone by, I seem to have lost most of my joy. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit so I know that it is there somewhere.
These are just a few of the many things that Jesus has done for me.
Friday, 14 March 2014
What Keeps Me Going
-Sometimes, when I am resting in bed, I wonder how on earth I have lasted this long and still be relatively sane. The obvious answer is nothing but the grace of God. Sometimes, people will say to me that they couldn't do what I am doing. Of course, they couldn't because they haven't been called to it. But, if they had been,the grace would be there to help them to get through it. God will never ask us to do something and not provide the grace for it.
However, I suspect that there are a couple of other things that are helping me to "keep on keeping on", so to speak. The first one is hope. We all need hope. When I first became a Christian, like most new Christians, I had a lot of zeal without much knowledge and I honestly believed that God would zap me and I would be the same as before. But, as the years have gone by, much of of the zeal has turned to plodding endurance and I am no longer expecting God to zap me at any moment. Though I still believe that it is possible. Anything is possible with God. Over the years my hope may have dimmed a little but it is still there. I am still sure that I will have a better life. Not just in Heaven but in this world as well.
The second thing that helps to keep me going may sound a bit funny but I believe that it is my stubborn personality. Years ago I was repenting to God for my stubborn streak and He surprised me by saying that a stubborn streak is not necessarily a bad thing. It just depends how it is used. I do know that if I wasn't so stubborn, or determined, I would have caved in long ago. Who knows where I would be. Perhaps in a mental hospital or even dead. But, for me, it is very simple. God said it, I believe it and I am too ornery to give up!
However, I suspect that there are a couple of other things that are helping me to "keep on keeping on", so to speak. The first one is hope. We all need hope. When I first became a Christian, like most new Christians, I had a lot of zeal without much knowledge and I honestly believed that God would zap me and I would be the same as before. But, as the years have gone by, much of of the zeal has turned to plodding endurance and I am no longer expecting God to zap me at any moment. Though I still believe that it is possible. Anything is possible with God. Over the years my hope may have dimmed a little but it is still there. I am still sure that I will have a better life. Not just in Heaven but in this world as well.
The second thing that helps to keep me going may sound a bit funny but I believe that it is my stubborn personality. Years ago I was repenting to God for my stubborn streak and He surprised me by saying that a stubborn streak is not necessarily a bad thing. It just depends how it is used. I do know that if I wasn't so stubborn, or determined, I would have caved in long ago. Who knows where I would be. Perhaps in a mental hospital or even dead. But, for me, it is very simple. God said it, I believe it and I am too ornery to give up!
Friday, 7 March 2014
Thankfulness
Despite the constant discomfort and, despite the many frustrations, I truly believe that I have a lot to be thankful for. Just to name a few:
1. Chosen-Not only am I thankful to have been chosen to go through such an incredible experience, I am thankful to have been chosen to be saved. When I think of all the people headed for hell, at least at the moment, all I can do is say, "Thank You, Jesus".
2. Time-Having so many long hours to fill is definitely a challenge but it is also something to be thankful for. In the mornings,when other people are going to work, I can get up, go on my computer and read the Bible all I want. I am also thankful for the times that I have to spend in bed. I can lie there and listen to Christian music and fellowship with God while other people have other things that need to be done.
3. Distractions-I am always thankful that I don't have as many things to pull my attention away from God. Things like a job, family, other activities, etc. My life is tedious, to be sure, but it is also more conducive to keeping my focus on God.
4. Dependency-Because there is almost nothing that I can do on my own, over the years I have learned to depend on God for just about everything. Things other people do automatically, I have to pray about. I am thankful for that.
5. Not being able to talk-As frustrating as not being able to talk is most of the time, there are times that I am grateful for it. Once in awhile, I have a tiff with one of the nurses, which happens when people spend a lot of time together. If I could talk, I know that I would blurt out something rude and sarcastic but,as it takes her a few seconds to pick up the board, it gives me time to cool down enough to say something politer. In fact, at times, the Holy Spirit will tell me not to say something. I wish I could say I always obey but...
6. Canada-I would be remiss if I didn't mention how thankful that God chose to put me this wonderful country of ours. I can't even imagine what life would be like for me in a less prosperous nation.
7. Little things-One thing that I have done for years is, just before I go to sleep, i think of something specific to thank God for that day. Some days it takes a lot of thought but I can usually come up with something. I am always thankful if I receive a visitor. Or it might just be an e-mail, particularly if it is from somebody who doesn't usually e-mail me. Sometimes, one of the nurses will give me a treat of some kind. When you have been eating hospital food as long as I have, you have to be thankful for anything different.
8. Other Things-I am thankful for friends. Especially the ones that put themselves out for me. I am thankful for the nurses. Not just for the good care but also for the friendship. I am thankful for a church that teaches the word of God. I am thankful for eyes that see and a good mind. Oh, and ears that hear. Most of all, I am thankful that God is. Sometimes I think, "What would I do without You, Lord?".
1. Chosen-Not only am I thankful to have been chosen to go through such an incredible experience, I am thankful to have been chosen to be saved. When I think of all the people headed for hell, at least at the moment, all I can do is say, "Thank You, Jesus".
2. Time-Having so many long hours to fill is definitely a challenge but it is also something to be thankful for. In the mornings,when other people are going to work, I can get up, go on my computer and read the Bible all I want. I am also thankful for the times that I have to spend in bed. I can lie there and listen to Christian music and fellowship with God while other people have other things that need to be done.
3. Distractions-I am always thankful that I don't have as many things to pull my attention away from God. Things like a job, family, other activities, etc. My life is tedious, to be sure, but it is also more conducive to keeping my focus on God.
4. Dependency-Because there is almost nothing that I can do on my own, over the years I have learned to depend on God for just about everything. Things other people do automatically, I have to pray about. I am thankful for that.
5. Not being able to talk-As frustrating as not being able to talk is most of the time, there are times that I am grateful for it. Once in awhile, I have a tiff with one of the nurses, which happens when people spend a lot of time together. If I could talk, I know that I would blurt out something rude and sarcastic but,as it takes her a few seconds to pick up the board, it gives me time to cool down enough to say something politer. In fact, at times, the Holy Spirit will tell me not to say something. I wish I could say I always obey but...
6. Canada-I would be remiss if I didn't mention how thankful that God chose to put me this wonderful country of ours. I can't even imagine what life would be like for me in a less prosperous nation.
7. Little things-One thing that I have done for years is, just before I go to sleep, i think of something specific to thank God for that day. Some days it takes a lot of thought but I can usually come up with something. I am always thankful if I receive a visitor. Or it might just be an e-mail, particularly if it is from somebody who doesn't usually e-mail me. Sometimes, one of the nurses will give me a treat of some kind. When you have been eating hospital food as long as I have, you have to be thankful for anything different.
8. Other Things-I am thankful for friends. Especially the ones that put themselves out for me. I am thankful for the nurses. Not just for the good care but also for the friendship. I am thankful for a church that teaches the word of God. I am thankful for eyes that see and a good mind. Oh, and ears that hear. Most of all, I am thankful that God is. Sometimes I think, "What would I do without You, Lord?".
Friday, 28 February 2014
One Sleepless Night
I was thinking about this during one long night when I couldn't sleep. When I was going to university, many years ago, during the summer, I worked in an auxilary hospital in Medicine Hat. One of the patients was a youngish man, probably in his 30s, who due to some kind of accident, was totally paralyzed, though he could still speak. I remember that he was depressed most of the time. At the time, though, I was maybe 20 and at the age that , if it doesn't directly concern yourself, you don't give anything much thought and I truly didn't understand why he was depressed so often. But, now that I am in similar circumstances, I understand all too well. I admit that one of the major struggles for me is with depression but, because I am a Christian, I can usually shrug it off within a day or two. My point is this. None of us really can understand what another person is going through until we go through a similar situation. I suspect that Is why Jesus so big on us not judging each other.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Frustrations
I truly do believe that I am so very blessed. To think that, of all the people in the world, I was chosen for this. It is mind-boggling! God must see something in me that I don't see in myself. But, then, I also believe that God puts in us what we need to go through whatever we have to go through. Having said that, I still have many frustrations to go through in my day-to-day life. I will only mention a few or this would have too many parts!
By far, the biggest frustration in my life is communication. Or lack thereof. I am so thankful that I have the speech board. I don't even want to think about what life would be like for me without it. But it takes so long to say anything letter by letter with my eyes. And then so much depends on the person on the other end. Some people catch on quickly and it is easy to converse with them. But others struggle. Sometimes I have to repeat the same word over and over before they get it. If I really need to say something I will keep trying to make myself understood but, if it is not vital, I usually just say, "Never mind" and drop it. There are also those who, trying to make it easier for me, keep guessing at what I am going to say. If they are right, it does help but,if not, it is really frustrating as it takes even longer. Being misunderstood is something that I definitely have in common with Jesus. It is terribly frustrating for me and must have been for Him too.
Another frustration that I have in regards to communication is being with a group of people and not being able to take part in the conversation. If I do try to say something, it takes so long that, by the time I get it out, the conversation has moved on to something else.
Because of the frustrations associated with my speech board, I often prefer to use my computer to communicate, either by e-mail or to hold a conversation with somebody. But there are frustrations with the computer as well. The main one is a power failure. My computer shuts itself off so, when the power comes back on, I have to yell for a nurse to turn my computer. But the nurses are usually busy so I could be yelling for quite some time. The same is true if I hit the wrong button and mess up. I can't fix the messup without help. At times, I feel frustrated that I can't move my cursor around as quickly as other people. Most of the time, though, I am happy to putter away at my computer at my own speed.
Of course, it is frustrating to have to depend on other people for almost everything. Not just the basic care like being dressed and fed but also the little things like wiping my snotty nose or scratching my itchy head.
Speaking of itches, it is horrible getting an itch that I can't scratch. But all I can do is endure it until it goes away. I am certainly not going to call for the nurses everytime I get an itch! Sometimes, a hair gets on my face. It almost drives me crazy as I can't brush it away. Then there are bugs. Once the bugs come out in spring, I mostly stay inside as I can't shoo them away. At times, they get into the hospital. Then I have to endure flies landing on my face or mosquitoes sucking my blood!
By far, the biggest frustration in my life is communication. Or lack thereof. I am so thankful that I have the speech board. I don't even want to think about what life would be like for me without it. But it takes so long to say anything letter by letter with my eyes. And then so much depends on the person on the other end. Some people catch on quickly and it is easy to converse with them. But others struggle. Sometimes I have to repeat the same word over and over before they get it. If I really need to say something I will keep trying to make myself understood but, if it is not vital, I usually just say, "Never mind" and drop it. There are also those who, trying to make it easier for me, keep guessing at what I am going to say. If they are right, it does help but,if not, it is really frustrating as it takes even longer. Being misunderstood is something that I definitely have in common with Jesus. It is terribly frustrating for me and must have been for Him too.
Another frustration that I have in regards to communication is being with a group of people and not being able to take part in the conversation. If I do try to say something, it takes so long that, by the time I get it out, the conversation has moved on to something else.
Because of the frustrations associated with my speech board, I often prefer to use my computer to communicate, either by e-mail or to hold a conversation with somebody. But there are frustrations with the computer as well. The main one is a power failure. My computer shuts itself off so, when the power comes back on, I have to yell for a nurse to turn my computer. But the nurses are usually busy so I could be yelling for quite some time. The same is true if I hit the wrong button and mess up. I can't fix the messup without help. At times, I feel frustrated that I can't move my cursor around as quickly as other people. Most of the time, though, I am happy to putter away at my computer at my own speed.
Of course, it is frustrating to have to depend on other people for almost everything. Not just the basic care like being dressed and fed but also the little things like wiping my snotty nose or scratching my itchy head.
Speaking of itches, it is horrible getting an itch that I can't scratch. But all I can do is endure it until it goes away. I am certainly not going to call for the nurses everytime I get an itch! Sometimes, a hair gets on my face. It almost drives me crazy as I can't brush it away. Then there are bugs. Once the bugs come out in spring, I mostly stay inside as I can't shoo them away. At times, they get into the hospital. Then I have to endure flies landing on my face or mosquitoes sucking my blood!
Friday, 14 February 2014
My Pre-Stroke Life
-Today, I have decided, or rather the Holy Spirit decided for me, to give a brief synopsis of my life prior to the stroke. I did have rather an unique childhood even for way back then. I was born in Medicine Hat but spent my early years on a farm/small ranch 50 miles south of there. The unique thing was that we had no indoor plumbing or electricity and I rode horseback to a one room, than two room, school. When I was 11, we sold the place and moved into the city of Medicine Hat. I will interject here and say that God had always been part of my life. Kind of as there were always Bibles in our home and I went to Sunday School. Sometimes church as well. But I never heard about being "born again" until after the stroke. However, when I was 13, I stopped going to church and, except for weddings and funerals, never set foot in a church until after the stroke. I finished my high school in Medicine Hat and then attended university in Lethbridge. After I graduated, I came to Cold Lake to teach and I have been here ever since. I met my husband here, got married and had a couple of kids (now grownup and both living in Edmonton). I thought that I was living a pretty good life and never gave God a thought. Like a lot of people, I guess. Sometimes, though, it takes a rude awakening to turn people to God and, man o man, was I in for a rude awakening!
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