Cocoon

Cocoon-I sometimes get the thought that God has me in a cocoon right now. I
kind of compare it to the cocoon of a butterfly. Although not scientifically
accurate, these are some of the ways that my life seems to be a bit like
that of a butterfly in a cocoon.

First, it is a time of transformation. In goes a caterpillar, out comes a
pretty butterfly. I am not sure how much my physical attributes will have
changed when I emerge from my cocoon. I can't imagine much, although just
being able to walk and talk again should provide some changes in my
appearance. However, I suspect that some of my biggest transformations
taking place while I am still in the area of values, priorities and
attitudes.

Secondly, the cocoon is a place of maturation. A caterpillar., when it
enters the cocoon, is certainly not the mature butterfly it is when it exits.
Likewise, I entered the cocoon of my present existence as a new Christian. I
had a lot of zeal but I also had a lot of self-centeredness and all the
not-so-nice qualities that go with a self-centered person. Plus, though I
knew I was saved, that is about all I knew. So God has been using my l-o-n-g
cocoon time to instill knowledge, especially of the Bible, in me and also to
remove selfishness from me. When I finally emerge from this cocoon, I will
be a much more mature Christian.

Thirdly, a cocoon is a place of protection. At least I think it is. I don't
imagine a caterpillar/butterfly has a lot of enemies while in the cocoon.
But, for all I know, I could be wrong. I do, however, know that the cocoon that I
seem to be in is God's way of protecting me from a lot of things that people
"out there" have to deal with. Things like unemployment, bills, marriage
problems, etc.

Fourthly, a cocoon is a place of isolation. One cocoon for one caterpillar/butterfly. Not always but a lot of the time, Long-term Care, my cocoon, is a place of isolation. Just as a caterpillar/butterfly has to be alone in its cocoon, there are times that I have to be alone in my cocoon. There are times that other people simply can't be with me, there are things that I have to go through that I must go through alone and, most importantly, I need lots of time alone with God to become the person that God wants me to become.

Fifthly, nobody notices a cocoon or what is in it. I don't remember ever seeing a cocoon. I often feel totally unnoticed in my cocoon. Kind of like out of sight, out of mind. But, just like a pretty butterfly gets noticed, I am sure that, once I emerge from my cocoon, I will get noticed. Probably more than I want!

Finally, and this is mere speculation, a cocoon doesn't appear to be very comfortable. I could be wrong. Perhaps a butterfly is comfortable while still in the cocoon. All I know that it is not comfortable in my cocoon and seems to be getting even less comfortable all the time. However, once I come out of my cocoon, I am sure that I will finally be comfortable again. I wonder what that will feel like?

Even though not scientifically accurate, the analogy to a butterfly in a cocoon seems describe the situation I am in right now. 

Happy Thoughts

Happy Thoughts-This blog is the product of another night in which I was
having trouble sleeping. Rather than dwelling on the frustration of not
being able to sleep, I started thinking about my next blog and hoping I
might get an idea to write about. In my blogs, I usually attempt to paint a
picture of what my life is at present. Unfortunately, that doesn't always
make for the most cheerful reading. There is not a whole lot of happy going
on in my life right now. However, I do have lots of time to think and not
all my thoughts are negative. I started thinking about all my "happy"
thoughts and I was surprised that I came up with as many as I did.

Happy thought #1-"I am not going to hell, I am going to Heaven" Lots of
times, I think that I am going through hell but I know very well that the
real hell would be a LOT worse. In fact, that is one of the things that
keeps me going. I often think that I am not going to hell for anybody or
anything and that might happen if I give up. But, the thought of Heaven. Now
that is a happy thought! I don't really have any idea what Heaven will be
like and my finite mind can't wrap itself around the idea of living forever
but I know that it will be awesomely, mind-bogglingly good!

Happy thought #2-"I am healed and I don't have to wait for Heaven" I may not
look or feel healed but my healing is there on the inside. One of these
days, it will move from the inside to where it can be seen. I have lived so
long not being able to move or speak that I have trouble imagining being
able to move and speak freely. But I know that it will happen so I guess
that I will find out.

Happy thought #3 "Jesus is my best friend" I have shared before what a
lonely life I lead. Peoplewise, anyway. However, it is a happy thought to
know that Jesus is always with me even when people can't be. And, like any
true friend, He is always honest with me. He comforts me when I really do
need it but He will also rebuke me when He thinks I need it.

There are plenty of other happy thoughts that I have about Jesus but, now, I
want to mention some other happy thoughts.

Happy Thought #4 "My grandkids are so precious" My real grandson doesn't
live here so I mostly just see him via skype. But is a happy thought when I
can have a skype visit with him, watch his antics and listen to his
5-year-old chatter. However, I do get to see my "adopted" grandkids
frequently. And, I may add, love every minute of it! Even when I am having
one of these days when I think that I will never smile again, they never
fail to bring a smile to my face. They are so sweet and innocent. Aside from
Jesus, grandkids just may be the best thing in my life right now!

Happy thought #5 "I love my computer-most of the time" Most importantly, my computer is my Bible. With the internet, I am able to read lots of different translations. I also have a separate Bible program that has several older translations, commentaries, an older dictionary and a small selection of books. Right now, I am using it to read through the sermons by Charles Spurgeon which I really enjoy. So, as long as my computer is working, I have no excuse for not reading and studying the Bible. My computer is also the way I do most of my communicating. I use the e-mail to stay in touch with friends and relatives. Also, when I need to talk to somebody about something, I can just send them an e-mail rather than having go through the nurses. Finally, that computer is my source of entertainment. I use it both watch tv and to read at leisure. Once in awhile, though, my computer won't do what I want it to do. Then I don't love it quite so much!

Happy thoughts #6 "I get to go out" It is always a happy thought when I know I have the opportunity to get out of Long-term Care. Of course, going to church is always a special time but I also have happy thoughts when I know that I will be going somewhere else. Be it shopping, out to eat or some other destination.

Happy thought #7 "I am getting a visitor" Because of the communication difficulty, I pretty much have to interact on a one-to-one basis and it is easier here where there are less distractions. So, it is a really happy thought that I will actually be able to converse with somebody. On the other hand, there are people who come especially to read to me. The thought of them coming is every bit as happy for me.

If I wanted to, I could think of more happy thoughts but the gist of the matter is this. I have a lot of time to think and, for sure, not all my thoughts could be classified as happy. But it is also true that some of my thoughts are definitely "happy". 

I Surrender All

I Surrender All-One afternoon when I listening to music, the song "I
Surrender All" started playing. It is so easy to sing the words to that song
but, the truth is, have we surrendered all? But never mind other other
people, the question that I need to ask myself is, "Have I truly surrendered
all or is the song just so many nice words?". If the word "surrender" means
voluntarily giving up control to another and the word "all" means everything,
absolutely everything, then I would have to admit that I can't honestly
confess that I surrender all!

The first problematic word for me is "voluntarily". I have surrendered some
things but I am not sure how voluntarily. The most obvious one is my health.
God has put me in a situation where no doctor can help me. I either let God
have control of my health or remain in the state I am at present. But, as I
was writing this, the thought came to me that it was voluntary in the sense
that I had the choice of of believing in God's healing promises rather than
the negative circumstances that just seem go on and on and on...

I guess, if I think about it that way, I suppose everything that I have
given to God has been voluntary because I have chosen to believe what God
says rather than what I see, On example of this is the salvation of my kids.
Right now, it doesn't look promising. But, I just keep on praying and leave
the rest up to God. Years ago, the Lord gave me a word about my son. He told
me that He had something special for Donovan. Every so often, I remind God
of that promise and how Donovan needs to be saved so it can come to pass.
This might help somebody. When my kids were still quite little, I was really
worrying and fretting about them. Until the Lord spoke these words to me.
"Those are not your kids. They are Mine. I just lent them to you for awhile.
I can take better care of them than you can. "

Another thing that I have surrendered to God is my time. I have way too much
of it. Because of this, it would be so easy to use the internet or tv for
"ungodly" purposes. But I chosen not to. I use the internet primarily to
read the Bible. Other times, I like to read other things. Largely classic
English literature although, from time to time, I like to read different
Christian material or listen to different Christian speakers online, I know
I watch too much tv but there is not much else for me to do. I admit that,
especially in the evening, I simply don't have the energy to do much but
watch tv. I don't watch a lot of Christian tv as there isn't much on but I
do try to be careful what I watch. God watches everything I do and I don't
want Him to catch me watching something I know I shouldn't be watching.

A question I need to ask myself is if I have surrendered all in the area of
finances. I never had a problem with finances so, to be honest, I never gave
it much thought. Just recently, though, I have had, let's say, a financial
"upheaval". I admit that, when I first saw how small my income was going to be, I was pretty upset and not knowing what to do. But church settled my down and, since then, I haven't given much thought to my finances. Still, I am not sure that it isn't that I know that I have enough savings to tide me over for awhile if need be than it is that I have surrendered my finances to God.

One area that is a constant battle for me is surrendering my thoughts to God. That is one disadvantage of so much time. Too much time to think. I am getting better at surrendering my thoughts to God but there are still too many times when my thoughts "escape" and I have to pull them back in line.

There are probably others but I can think of two,specific areas that I have not surrendered to God. The first is frustration. I am FRUSTRATED and that frustration leads to other negative behaviors. But, if I surrender all to God, doesn't "all" include frustration? Gotta admit that I don't have a handle on that one yet.

The other area that I know that I haven't surrendered totally to God is worry and anxiety. Even though I don't have the major worries that "normal" people have, quite often I catch myself worrying and fretting over some insignificant thing. Which tells me that I haven't completely surrendered to God in the area of worry.

I really think that, for me anyway, the title of that song should be "I Surrender All-All Of The Time ". It is easy to surrender all when I am in a "surrendering" place, like church, but not so easy when I am by myself with my emotions running wild. 

People Who Have Influenced Me

People Who Have Influenced My Life-If I thought about it, I am sure that I
could think of people who influenced my life before the stroke. However, for
this blog, I will focus solely on some people who, during or after I became a born-again
Christian, have impacted my life. And some who presently are.

First, and foremost, is the fellow that God used to bring salvation to me.
Even if he had not been obedient, I know God would have used somebody else
to tell me about Jesus and bring salvation to a very desperate situation.
Still, I am very grateful as he certainly did change the course of my life.
He also influenced me in another way. He didn't just see me become a
Christian and then just leave me alone to sink or swim on my own. In those
early days of me being a Christian, we spent a lot of time together and,
once I started attending church, at first he was driving me to church.

The next people who influenced my life was the couple who got me started
attending church. For the first year or so, I didn't go to church as I
didn't think it was possible. Then, I got a visit from some friends who, at
the time, lived in Medicine Hat. They are born-again Christians so, come
Sunday, they wanted to go to church. The only church I knew was the where
the person instrumental in my becoming a Christian went. They attended in
the morning and enjoyed it so much that they took me to the evening service.
I don't remember how but they got me there somehow. Since then I have been a
regular attender at my present church. While I do believe that, if God had
wanted me to be in this particular church, He would have brought it to pass
somehow, the part my friends played in getting me to church has had a
tremendous influence on my life.

Starting to go to church was very exciting for me but, like most newer
Christians, I still had a lot to learn. One person who had a major influence
on my life was the man who would, in those early days, came to the hospital and
teach me out of the Bible. To be honest, I think my love for the Bible, or
at least part of it, arose from his enthusiastic teaching of the Bible to
me.

Over the years, I have had different people who drove me to church. They
have had a big influence on my life by making sure I have been at church as
often as possible so I could learn more and more about God and the Bible
from the speaker. I suspect that there have been times , especially  when it
was bitterly cold, that it would have been easier not to bother with me but,
bless them, they have always made an effort, despite difficult
circumstances, to get me to church.

I have already seen two pastors leave and my present one is the third since
I started attending the church that I am presently attending. They all have
had a great influence on me. At first, the pastor helped me get to know God
and the Bible, then he helped me to grow in that knowledge and, now that I
have been a Christian for quite awhile, gives me fresh insights that I don't
get from my personal study. Also, a rebuke when I need it. A habit that I
have developed over the years is that, when I go to church, I see the pastor
as just a mouthpiece who God is using to speak to us/me. So I listen to hear
what God is specifically speaking to me.

Then I have or have had what I call special friends. Over the years, there have always been a few people who have really "gone the extra mile" for me. They are the ones who spend time with me at Long-term Care. Maybe it is to visit or some come and just read to me. I can't read books myself so that is something that l really enjoy. Most of my special friends use my speech board well enough that we can have an actual conversation. I enjoy that as, because of the difficulty in communication, it is not something that I get to do very often. Some of my special friends also take me out, maybe to eat or maybe to shop or a function of some kind. Much as I love going to church, it means a lot to me to go other places as well.

Finally, I must mention the nurses. Let's face it. I have spent more time in Long-term Care than anywhere else. Most of them are not Christian but I have always felt that they respect my beliefs. Probably the biggest influence that they have had on my life is their caring. I see how they care for people who don't always have a lot of people to care about them. I have days where my emotions are running wild and I feel like nobody cares about me. Then, it is comforting to know that they, at least, care-even if I am not being very likeable.

I admit that, at times, I feel like I am going through this all alone. (Except for God) So it is good for me to remember all the people who have influenced my life in the past as well as those that are still being a major influence. 

Sleep

Sleep-One of my favorite things to do is sleep. It allows me a few hours of
oblivion from the circumstances that stare me in the face every single day.
Unfortunately, though, I seldom get a lot of sleep. Part of that is simply
due to the routine I am on. I am usually the last one they put to bed. Which
means I am sometimes not in bed until close to 10:30. Unless I fall asleep
right away, I may not go to sleep until after 11. About 2:30 am, the nurses
come in to reposition me. If I can go right back to sleep, it is no problem
but, too often, I either can't or it takes a very long time. It makes for a
long day when I get no or little, sleep after 2:30 . Around 6 am, the nurses
come back to get me dressed for the day, though they don't get me up. But
that was my request so I better not complain! Most mornings, I am awake
before then anyway.

However, there are other reasons why I don't get much sleep. Probably the
main one is that I can't slow down my thoughts down enough to fall asleep.
They go every which way and refuse to slow down. I have trouble enough
controlling my thoughts during the day but it is even harder at night.
Sometimes, I wish that there was a button on my body that the nurses could
push to turn off my mind. Only, then, we would probably forget to turn it
back on! Before the stroke, if I had a night like that, I would get up, make
a cup of tea and read until I felt like sleeping. But now, of course, I
can't do that. All I can do is lie and think through the long, endless
hours.

Another thing that, at times, keeps me awake is pain and discomfort. I am
never really comfortable. But, there are times that I am less uncomfortable
than others. My neck is really bad. There are times that I can't sleep
because my neck hurts so much. Usually, a change of position will help but I
have to wait until somebody comes in to do it for me. Another thing that
sometimes keeps me awake is a sore heel. Changing position usually helps
that as well. I wear splints on my hands at night and, on occasion, they
make my hands too sore to allow me to sleep. The easiest thing is just to
take them off but, again, I have to wait for somebody to do it for me.

At this point, I will interject that I feel most helpless at night. If I
need help, I have no way of letting anybody know. I can't ring the call bell
and, unless it is urgent, I don't like to yell and wake other people up.
Besides, the nurses probably wouldn't hear as my door is closed all the time
and, very likely, the nurses would be in a different part of Long-term Care.
So I usually just endure until the nurses come to reposition me. One good
thing, though, is that this sense of helplessness is another way that I am
learning to depend on God. Sometimes to ease the pain and other times to
just be a companion during the long, tedious hours.

These are probably the two main reasons that I don't, at times, get a lot of
sleep. Another one is light. I am sure that it is all in my head but I can
not sleep with a light on. There is a little light by the door of my room
so, when the nurses come in at night, they can turn it on instead of the big
light. Only, once in awhile, it is left on and I can't go back to sleep. Or,
sometimes, it gets left on when I first go to bed and I can't even go to
sleep.

Another reason is temperature. If, when I go to bed, I feel chilly, I can't go to sleep. All I can do is wait until somebody comes and ask for another blanket. On the other hand, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because I am too hot. If I could throw a blanket off myself, it would be no problem. But, as it is, I have wait until somebody comes to do it for me.

Occasionally, a noise in the hall keeps me awake. This doesn't happen very often, though. By the time I go to bed, other people are already in bed so it is usually pretty quiet. Plus, my room is in a hall with not a lot of other people so, even if there is a commotion, I probably won't hear it.

A final reason I can think of for not sleeping well is lack of exercise and fresh air. The lack of exercise is something I can't do anything about but I could get more fresh air. This place has a lovely courtyard where I could sit in summer. Only then I wouldn't be able to use my computer. I have never been able to sit and do nothing.

I really don't know why I am writing about this. Unless it is so people understand that, just because the day ends, doesn't mean my tedium and frustration always do. But God is always there to help me through it. He helps me as much during the long nights as during the long days. 

What I have Lost and What I have Gained

What I Have Lost And What I Have Gained-The idea for this blog came one
Sunday morning when I was sitting in a church service. I have no idea where
it came from as it has absolutely nothing to do with what the pastor was
preaching about. The thought came to me that I could write all the things
that I have lost and, also, the things that I have gained to replace the
lost things. I didn't dwell on it though. Instead, I resumed listening to
the pastor and, in my mind, resolved to think about it later.

The most obvious thing that I have lost is my health. Predominantly movement
and speech, though there are other issues as well. Not being able
to do anything, or at least most things, without help or communicate
effectively does make for a difficult, extremely frustrating life. On the
other hand, I often think that God has me right where He wants me. If He
wants to talk to me, I have no choice but to stay put and listen to Him.
Plus, I can't do all the talking. Another thing that I have gained from
losing my ability to move is that I depend on God to help me with a lot of
things that other people automatically do you themselves.

Through it all, I am thankful that God has enabled me to keep my sanity.
More or less. There are times, though, that I am sure that I am losing my
mind. At times like that, I console myself with the fact that, even if I
lose mind, God is able to find it again for me!

Another thing that I have lost is my family. At least my husband. When he
came to ask me for a divorce, I wasn't shattered but I was shocked. He had
always been there for me through all the things that I had already gone
through. But, now, I realize that I just traded in my natural husband for a
better Heavenly One. Jesus will always be there for me, come what may. I
never entirely lost my kids. They stay in touch and, occasionally, come to
Cold Lake for a visit. But what I do feel I have lost is a lot of years with
my kids while they were growing up. I am not sure how God can replace all
those lost years but, once I am healed, will it really matter? As for
siblings, I only had contact with one sister before the stroke. I still
correspond with her so I really didn't lose anything. But I have gained a
lot more siblings. When I became a born-again Christian, I became part of
God's family and He has lots of kids. So I have millions of siblings all
over the world.

I also lost almost all the friends I had before the stroke. The only three
that I am still in touch with are two ladies that I knew at university and
one lady that I taught with way back when. But, since I became a Christian,
I have made new friends. But, best of all, I now have the greatest Friend of
all in Jesus. Human friends will, from time to time, let me down but He
never will.

Another loss has been my home. Since the stroke, I have been in hospital in Edmonton, then hospital here in Cold Lake, back to hospital in Edmonton, back to hospital in Cold Lake and, finally, to Long-term Care where I have been for years. I refuse to call this place home, though. Eventually, I will have my own home again but what I am really looking forward to is the one I gained when I became a born-again Christian. My eternal home in Heaven.

Finally, I lost my career. I started teaching when I was 22 and continued until the stroke forced me to "retire" at the ripe old age of 33. At first, I missed it a lot but, now that I am at normal retirement age, that part of my life has pretty much faded into the background. I don't know what I have gained to replace my career but I do know that, as a born-again Christian, God has plans for me and will reveal them when the time is right.

In conclusion, yes, I have lost a lot. At least by the world's standard. But, by God's standard, when I became a born-again Christian, I gained so much more spiritually. 

Church

Church-Over the past 30+ years, there is one thing that has been constant in
my life. That is attending church. The first year or so after l became a
born-again Christian, I didn't attend church because I didn't think it was
possible. However, once I got started attending church, I have rarely missed
a service. There have been a few times that I have missed services but only
when I have no choice. There are several reasons why attending church is so
important to me.

The primary reason that I attend church is to hear from God. I assume that
the pastor, or whoever is speaking, has taken time to seek God first and so
is speaking about what God wants him to speak about. In fact, I believe that
it is God, not the pastor, speaking to me. Something that I have done for
years is to memorize several interesting points that the pastor makes to
write down once I get an opportunity to use my computer. Admittedly, I don't
always remember them all but , what it does, is help me remember the sermon.

Secondly, I go to church to hear the word of God. The Bible is the word of
God. So, if the speaker is not referring to the Bible frequently, I can't
help feeling that something is not right. I am at church to hear God's
thoughts. Which are in the Bible. I am not at church to listen to the
speaker's personal opinions-no matter how good.

Thirdly, I attend church to learn. While I do spend a lot of time reading
and studying the Bible and I seem to always be learning something new, it is
also important to me to attend church because, chances are, the speaker will
have a fresh insight, or several, that I never thought of before.

The atmosphere in church is totally different from that in Long-term Care.
In this place, the atmosphere is rather gloomy with the focus on different
people with their aches and pains. But, at church, the atmosphere is much
more joyful with the focus on God, at least it should be, and not on people
and their problems. That is another reason that I like to go to church. I
sometimes think of it as an oasis in my desert!

This thought came to me just recently. Church helps me to see the bigger
picture. Life in Long-term Care gives one a pretty limited picture of what the world is all about. So it is good to be with people who live lives outside Long-term Care and to listen to conversations other than the usual topics of conversation in this place. More than that, though. Church gives the bigger picture of God's plan for the entire world, not just my individual life.

One of the most important aspects of church for me is that it is a source of encouragement for me.  I don't lead an easy life and I value anything that encourages me. After a church service, I always feel better able to face what I have to face. That is why I am in church as often as possible.

Another thing I like about going to church is that it gives me a chance to see other people than nurses and seniors. Because of my communication difficulties, I don't interact a lot with other people but still nice just to be around and to watch other people. I especially enjoy watching the little kids.

Certainly not the primary reason I attend church but church does give an me opportunity to get out and away from the tedium of Long-term Care for a little while. Anytime I can do that is a definite bonus!

Upon reflection, I have concluded that I could survive without attending church. As long as I have a means of reading the Bible and the Holy Spirit is with me. But I am sure glad that I don't have to!