Sleep

Sleep-One of my favorite things to do is sleep. It allows me a few hours of
oblivion from the circumstances that stare me in the face every single day.
Unfortunately, though, I seldom get a lot of sleep. Part of that is simply
due to the routine I am on. I am usually the last one they put to bed. Which
means I am sometimes not in bed until close to 10:30. Unless I fall asleep
right away, I may not go to sleep until after 11. About 2:30 am, the nurses
come in to reposition me. If I can go right back to sleep, it is no problem
but, too often, I either can't or it takes a very long time. It makes for a
long day when I get no or little, sleep after 2:30 . Around 6 am, the nurses
come back to get me dressed for the day, though they don't get me up. But
that was my request so I better not complain! Most mornings, I am awake
before then anyway.

However, there are other reasons why I don't get much sleep. Probably the
main one is that I can't slow down my thoughts down enough to fall asleep.
They go every which way and refuse to slow down. I have trouble enough
controlling my thoughts during the day but it is even harder at night.
Sometimes, I wish that there was a button on my body that the nurses could
push to turn off my mind. Only, then, we would probably forget to turn it
back on! Before the stroke, if I had a night like that, I would get up, make
a cup of tea and read until I felt like sleeping. But now, of course, I
can't do that. All I can do is lie and think through the long, endless
hours.

Another thing that, at times, keeps me awake is pain and discomfort. I am
never really comfortable. But, there are times that I am less uncomfortable
than others. My neck is really bad. There are times that I can't sleep
because my neck hurts so much. Usually, a change of position will help but I
have to wait until somebody comes in to do it for me. Another thing that
sometimes keeps me awake is a sore heel. Changing position usually helps
that as well. I wear splints on my hands at night and, on occasion, they
make my hands too sore to allow me to sleep. The easiest thing is just to
take them off but, again, I have to wait for somebody to do it for me.

At this point, I will interject that I feel most helpless at night. If I
need help, I have no way of letting anybody know. I can't ring the call bell
and, unless it is urgent, I don't like to yell and wake other people up.
Besides, the nurses probably wouldn't hear as my door is closed all the time
and, very likely, the nurses would be in a different part of Long-term Care.
So I usually just endure until the nurses come to reposition me. One good
thing, though, is that this sense of helplessness is another way that I am
learning to depend on God. Sometimes to ease the pain and other times to
just be a companion during the long, tedious hours.

These are probably the two main reasons that I don't, at times, get a lot of
sleep. Another one is light. I am sure that it is all in my head but I can
not sleep with a light on. There is a little light by the door of my room
so, when the nurses come in at night, they can turn it on instead of the big
light. Only, once in awhile, it is left on and I can't go back to sleep. Or,
sometimes, it gets left on when I first go to bed and I can't even go to
sleep.

Another reason is temperature. If, when I go to bed, I feel chilly, I can't go to sleep. All I can do is wait until somebody comes and ask for another blanket. On the other hand, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because I am too hot. If I could throw a blanket off myself, it would be no problem. But, as it is, I have wait until somebody comes to do it for me.

Occasionally, a noise in the hall keeps me awake. This doesn't happen very often, though. By the time I go to bed, other people are already in bed so it is usually pretty quiet. Plus, my room is in a hall with not a lot of other people so, even if there is a commotion, I probably won't hear it.

A final reason I can think of for not sleeping well is lack of exercise and fresh air. The lack of exercise is something I can't do anything about but I could get more fresh air. This place has a lovely courtyard where I could sit in summer. Only then I wouldn't be able to use my computer. I have never been able to sit and do nothing.

I really don't know why I am writing about this. Unless it is so people understand that, just because the day ends, doesn't mean my tedium and frustration always do. But God is always there to help me through it. He helps me as much during the long nights as during the long days.