What I Have Learned About God And Man

-In September, I will have been a
Christian for 30 years. In that span of time, and under extremely difficult
circumstances, I have learned, experientially, about God.

One thing which means a lot to me is knowing that God loves me just as much
when I am feeling really frustrated and having a meltdown or am totally
depressed as when I am acting the way that I perceive a Christian should
act. Matter of fact, it is often in my down times that I feel the presence
of God the most. It didn't happen overnight but it was so liberating when it
finally got through to me that I don't have to perform in a certain way to
have God's approval.

Another thing that I have learned is the reality of "I will never leave you or
forsake you". Sometimes, not often, when I am really, really out of sorts I
wish that I could get rid of God but I have learned that is not going to
happen-unless I turn my back on Him for good. Most of the time, though, I
love His presence. At times, I do get lonely for people around who I can
talk to. It is so nice to know that God is always there to talk to. And He
doesn't need the speech board, either!

I know, by experience, that God does answer prayer. I have had so many
prayers answered over the years. Not many that would be considered major
but, because I can't do anything by myself, I pray about things that mobile
people wouldn't simply because they can do them for themselves. I can't
count the number of times that I have prayed about something and the answer
comes. Be it sending a nurse when I need one, a visitor after I have prayed
for one or some other thing that I have prayed about. Not that every single
prayer gets answered but often enough that I know prayer works.

Because of all the times that God has answered prayers in my day-to-day
life, I have learned that God is concerned about every aspect of our lives.
He not just concerned about major things like my healing or the salvation of
my kids and my sisters, but also my mundane, everyday life. I do have a part
to play, though. And that is too make sure to keep God front and center in
all areas of my life.

I can also attest to the sustaining power of God. Quite often, I wonder how
on earth I have been able to endure so much for so many years and am still
sane, more or less. The answer, of course, is the grace of God. God gives us
the grace we need to cope with whatever situation and the grace He gives me
is not going to be the same as He gives to somebody else.

But I have also learned a couple of things about people that I didn't
understand before. One is that people usually avoid what they are not
comfortable with.  Way back when I first had the stroke and my husband was
still taking me home on weekends, friends of ours would come to visit while
I was at home. But they never came to the hospital to visit. It was more
comfortable for them to come to see me while I was at home and my husband
was there as well. I totally understand as, in the past, I have done the
same thing.

Another thing that I have learned about people is that, if we really, really
want to do something, they will find a way. On the other hand, if we are
only thinking of doing it because we feel we should or for some other reason
but have no real desire to do it, we can usually come up with an excuse for
not doing it.

I won't lie . It has been a long, extremely difficult 30 years. But I am
trusting that some of the things that I have learned, both about God and
man, will stay with me. 

Waiting

Waiting-I often think that waiting is the story of my life. It seems like
I
have been waiting FOREVER for the fulfillment of the promise that God made
to me so many years ago. Sometimes, I wonder how on earth I have been able
to hang on for so long. But I know it is the grace of God. And nothing but
the grace of God.

My day-to-day life is fraught with waiting as well. The waiting usually
starts even before the nurses get me dressed around 6 or a little before.
Most mornings, I wake up before then and I have to wait until the nurses
come. The waiting is especially difficult when my heel(s) is sore or when I
have some other pain that changing position would relieve.

Once I am dressed, I still stay in bed until around 7:30 when the day nurses
get me up and I can start using my computer until breakfast. That is not
until between 9 and 9:30 so there is another period of waiting. Except that
is when I do my Bible reading so I don't really consider it waiting as it
goes by pretty quickly.

After breakfast, it is back to my computer for the rest of the morning which
goes by quite quickly. They come to get me for lunch and, afterwards, I just
sit and listen to music, waiting until the nurses come to put to bed for a
rest. How long I wait, depends on how busy they are with other people.
Unless the nurses decide to put me to bed first. I know that with 30 people
to look after, somebody has to wait. Once the waiting is over, I am always
glad to get into bed because I  am tired and my neck feels better when I lie
down with a pillow under it. I am happy just to lie and listen to
Christian music.

However , after a couple of hours, I am waiting again. This time, I am
waiting to get up and back on my computer until supper. After supper, I
usually just watch tv as I don't have the energy for much else. I am good
until about 9 or 9:30 when I am getting tired and start waiting for bed.
Unless, of course, there is something riveting on tv. Then bedtime comes too
soon.

Once in bed, there is another wait, To fall asleep. Sometimes, it is not a
long wait but, other times, it seems like forever. And all I can do is lie
there and wait. I can't get up and read or watch tv until I feel like
sleeping.

There are other times of waiting in my life. When I am going out, I have to
wait until somebody comes to get me. I used to just sit and wait which was
really tedious. But, now, I use my computer until they come so the wait
isn't so bad.

Another wait I have is when people say that they are going to visit me at a
certain time. I look forward to visitors so I wait with anticipation. I am
ok with it until the designated time or even a few minutes after. But what
does upset me is waiting and waiting for people who never do show up. That
has happened to me a few times.

I do understand that, because I have to depend on other people for
everything, the times of waiting are inevitable. But I also believe that God
is using these times of waiting and, in the long run, I will be a better
person for it. At least, it is teaching me patience, that word we all love
so much!      

I wish

  I Wish... -It dawned on me the other day how often the phrase "I wish"
is in my thoughts. I suppose that is an indication that I am not very
satisfied with my present situation. The truth is that I am not at all
satisfied with things as they are. However, I am trying, not always
successfully, to be content with letting God do things in His way and His
time. This time I will share some of the "I wishes"in my life.

On thing that "I wish" a lot of the time is that there was somebody that
really understood what I am going through. Of course, those people who spend
more time with me have a better understanding of what my life is like. But
even they can't fully understand. Only Jesus can do that. One thing that I
have done in the past, and probably shouldn't have, is to wish every person
in the church had to spend one day in Long-term Care, as helpless as I am.
Even that wouldn't fully reveal what life is like for me but, I suspect that
it would open some eyes.

Every single time that I am using my speech board with somebody and they
either can't spell or understand what I am trying to say or both, "I wish"
that I could speak in the usual way.

When I am using my computer and the power goes out, my computer turns itself
off. The problem is that, when the power comes back on, my computer doesn't
so I have to wait until somebody can turn it on for me. At times like this,
"I wish" I could just stretch out my arm, push the button and turn the
computer back on.

I admit that I do lead a lonely life. Especially in the afternoons when I
rest in bed and can't use my computer. Then, sometimes, "I wish" that there
was somebody who could spend time with me in the afternoon. On the other
hand, I do understand that, with most people working, it is pretty hard.

Often, at mealtimes, "I wish" that I could feed myself. Then I could eat at
my own speed. Or I wouldn't have to wait to get started like I sometimes do
when the nurses are busy.

At church, there are lots of times "I wish" that I could raise my hands to
God. This is especially true when we are singing a slow, worship song. There
are other things "I wish" at church as well. "I wish" that I could sing to
the Lord properly. "I wish" that I could clap and dance like other people.
"I wish", when the time comes, I could move around and greet people instead
of waiting for them to come to me. Etc.

I will be honest. I have days where it is simply too much for me and
everything seems so bleak and endless. Days like that, often "I wish" that I
had never been born. Out of control emotions, of course.

Not too often , but once in awhile, "I wish" that I had never had the
stroke. Then I can't help wondering what my life would have been like. But I
don't indulge in thoughts like that very often. My life is what it is.

After I decided to write about this, I paid more attention to what I was
thinking. It surprised me how many times in a day I think "I wish". This is
just a small sample. But I know all too well that "I wish" won't change
anything. Only God is going to do that. 

Giving and Receiving

  Giving And Receiving-Here it is. Christmas again. A time for giving and
receiving. Of course, the greatest gift of all was God sending Jesus into
the world at Christmas. But that started me thinking, "Just what do I have
to give-right now! My present, day-to-day life seems to be pretty trivial. "

The most obvious way I  have of giving is money. Because, thankfully, my
finances are in a "stable" condition, I always have something to give
whenever the church is collecting money for something. And there are often
other opportunities to donate money.

However, life is more than money, though I am sure that  there are people in
this world who would disagree. We often hear about giving time. I do have
plenty of time to give to God but giving time to other people is more of a
challenge for me. I can't go anywhere without help and, once I am there, I
can't do anything for anybody. I can't even speak words of encouragement. As
I was writing this, the thought came to me that one way I give time to
people is when I write e-mails. They take so long for me to write that it is
definitely giving up time I could be using for other things. On the other
hand, I really enjoy writing e-mails as it is a way to communicate

These blogs are a way of giving to other people. Both in time because they
take a long time for me to write but also in content. Hopefully, I am saying
something that will encourage others and, by letting people see so much into
my life, I a giving to others.

Finally, I know I can give to others by smiling when I don't feel like it. I
can be happy when I don't feel happy. I can praise God when I don't feel
like praising God. In other words, I give to others everytime I don't let my
negative emotions control my actions. I haven't mastered this yet but God
and I are working on it.

But giving is only one side of the equation. There is also the receiving
part. Even though God gave the world the greatest gift of all in sending
Jesus, it is a useless gift if it is not received. That is the people part
of the deal.

I suspect that I am a better giver than receiver. For two reasons. First, I
don't need anything. At least, not that people can give. The second is a
character flaw that God and I need to work on. I think I feel more in
control of the situation when I give than when I receive. But He has dealt
with
me in the area of receiving and I am starting to understand that we bless
people just as much when we graciously receive what people want to give us
as when we give to others.

One area of receiving that I have never had much choice in is that of
receiving help. When you have to depend on other people for absolutely
everything, it is quite a blow to the independent pride. I am used to it by
now but, at first, it was a pretty humbling experience.

When we hear the word "receiving", we usually think of gifts or money. But
there are other things to receive as well. Things like help, time and
compliments. Quite a few years ago, the Lord showed me just to accept what
they are giving, say "thank you" and not to argue about it.

So, at Christmas, let’s be good givers. But let’s also be good receivers.
Provided, of course, the receiving doesn’t turn into greed. 

The Best Things

-The ultimate, number one thing in my life right now is being
a born-again Christian with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is
so nice to know that, even when my emotions are out of control and  I can't
stand myself and probably nobody else can stand me either, He still likes
me. When I am feeling lonely, it is comforting to know that He is always
there and I can talk to Him in my mind anytime I want. And it is exciting to
think about the future that He has for me. I don't understand it but I know
that it will be good.

Another "best" in my life are my grandchildren. Both my real little grandson
and my two "adopted" ones. My real grandson doesn't live here so I don't get
to see him in person much. But we do visit often enough by skype that I can
see how he is growing and changing. But I do get to see my "adopted"
grandkids a lot and I thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. I enjoy watching
them growing and changing and just doing what kids that age do. I think
watching small children, even those of other people, is one of my favorite
things to do. Small children are so genuine, loving and, at times, downright
hilarious.

A third "best" is friends. Especially the ones who visit me or take me
places. I am always looking for ways to pass time. So a "best" for me are
friends who help with that. Included are friends who send me e-mails as
answering them helps me to pass time.

Another "best" for me is church. It is a totally different atmosphere from
this place. When I first started going to church, I used to be almost beside
myself with excitement when Sunday rolled around and I could go to church.
After so many years, the excitement has worn off but I still enjoy it very
much. It is good to sing and pray with other people and I always look
forward to the sermon as I know God speaks to us through the pastor.

There are a couple of material "bests" in my life. First, is my computer.
When I am not out or in bed, I spend all the time using it. It is my Bible.
One way that it is better than actual Bible is that I have a lot of
different versions available to me. I change versions once a year to keep
myself from getting so familiar with any one version that I read without
really paying attention to what I am reading. My computer is also my
library. I like to read classic English literature and there are plenty of
books for me to read on the computer. Other reading material, if I so
desire, as well. I communicate with people on the computer, mostly by
e-mail. That computer is even my tv. I have tv on my computer which enables
me to change channels myself.

I never, ever thought I would admit such a thing but one of the "best"
things in my life is that speech board of mine. True, it slow and extremely
frustrating but it is also true that I am lost without it. That is why it is
so upsetting to me when people wander off with my speech board in their
hand. Without it, I can't talk to anybody. Using the computer to talk to
people is easier for everybody but the computer is not always available. But
the speech board is which makes it so invaluable.

A final disclaimer. Aside from Jesus being the best of the "best",
everything else is in random order. I wrote them down as idea came to me. 

Christmas

Christmas-When I was deliberating what to write for my next blog, the
thought crossed my mind to write something totally different. So I am
writing about some or the Christmases that I have had. At least, what I can
remember.

When I was a child, a long time ago, living in the country, one of the
highlights of Christmas was the concert at our one-room school. Everybody,
young and old,  went so it was a major community event. Another memory of
mine was of our Christmas tree. On Christmas Eve, Dad would cut a tree down
and us kids got to decorate it. I don't suppose that it looked very
"professional" but it was sure was an exciting time for us kids. A tradition
we had was that, on Christmas Eve, we got to open gifts from other people,
like cousins, etc., but the gifts from "Santa" we had to Christmas morning.
Like any kids, we must have driven our parents crazy, wanting to get up
waaay too early. I can't, though, recall what we did for Christmas dinner.

Once we moved to Medicine Hat, we still always had a real tree. Though, of
course, it was bought , not cut down! And, because we had power, we could
even put lights on the tree. Other than that, our Christmases were pretty
much the same as before. I don't really remember what we did for Christmas
dinner but a good guess is that we spent at least some of them with cousins
who lived in Redcliff, a mere two miles from Medicine Hat.

While I was going to university, and even the first couple of years in Cold
Lake, there is nothing to tell about Christmas because I always spent
holidays at home.

After I got married, though, we always spent Christmas in Cold Lake. I guess
neither one of us wanted to travel that far in winter. His family lives in
Ontario and even Medicine Hat is no short jaunt. The first year, we kept up
the tradition of a real tree. However, when I was vacuuming needles out of
the carpet in July, we decided that it was time to convert to artificial. It
is funny what one remembers. I remember the tree but not much else. Once we
had kids, we liked to stay home so they could play with the toys.

Since the stroke, my Christmases have been different, to say the least. The
first Christmas after the stroke, my husband would have taken me home. He
used  to take me home every weekend and looked after me like any nurse
would. I was lighter back then so he could easily lift and carry me. Though
I couldn't do anything, I did enjoy watching the kids. But my trips home
stopped once I ended up in the condition I am at present. For a number of
Christmases , my kids came in the afternoon to open gifts and in the
evening, I would go to friends' place for supper. But my kids grew up and
left home and my friends left the church. Now most of my Christmases are
pretty much like any other day. But, except for one year, there has always
been someone, maybe a nurse who would be alone too, to spend time with me,
usually in the evening, opening gifts. And I always look forward to getting
Christmas greetings by e-mail, either from my kids or other people. That one
Christmas when I was alone really hit home to me just how lonely Christmas
can be for some people. The nurses here do something that I think is so
nice. Every Christmas they pick names and each one buys a gift for one of
the people in this place. The sad thing is that, if they didn't, every year
there seems to be at least one person who wouldn't even get a gift at
Christmas.

Remembering my different Christmases, I realize that there was no mention
church. When I was a child, I know we lived too far from a church but I
don't know why, once we moved to Medicine Hat, we didn't go to church at
Christmas. We went other times. Of course, by the time I went to university
and first came to Cold Lake, I wanted nothing to do with church. My husband
and I never thought of church at Christmas or any other time. It was only
after the stroke, when I became a born-again Christian, that I understood
the importance of church at Christmas and what it is really all about. 

Someday

-I know that we are told that the past is past and we may not have a
tomorrow so to concentrate on the now but, for me, if I keep focus on my
present circumstances, I will go stark, raving mad. Thinking about "someday"
helps me to keep going.

Someday, I will be able to move freely like other people. I will be able to
clap and dance at church all I want. I will be able to read real books,
including the Bible, instead of always reading on the computer. And,
speaking of the computer, I will be able to use it the same as everybody
else does . Which means a whole lot faster. If I want to, I can even learn
how to use all these other electronic gadgets. That, though, is a big "if"!
I will be able to feed myself and eat whatever I want. The list could go on
and on. Right now, all I do is dream about those things but, someday, it
won't be a dream.

Someday, I will be able to speak just like everybody else. No more speech
board. While I am grateful to have some means of communication, it is SOOO
frustrating-both for me and everybody else. No more constantly being
misunderstood. I wonder if Jesus found it as frustrating as I do to always
be misunderstood? No more saying sarcastic things and then having to spell
out that
I was being sarcastic. The speech board has cut down on my sarcasm. A good
thing, no doubt. Best of all,I  will be having real, lengthy conversations.
A
dream right now but it won't always be.

Someday, I won't have to depend on other people for absolutely everything.
Right now, I have to depend on the nurses for all my personal care plus all
sorts of other things. I even have to depend on the nurses to scratch my
head when it gets itchy! I have to depend on other people from the church to
get me there. My computer does allow me a certain amount of independence as
I can contact people without depending on someone else to contact them for
me. However, if my computer is down and  I can't e-mail, I have to depend on
someone else to contact my computer tech.  But, someday, all the depending
on other people will over.

Someday, I  will leave Long-term Care and never come back. I admit that,
each time I go out, I dread coming back. Not that it is a bad place with
ogres for nurses or anything like that but it just has been so long. I used
to hate being in hospital for a few days. Imagine 30+ years! Though
Long-term Care is not like a regular hospital. But it is not like being at
home, either. The good thing about being in Long-term is that it has given
me an understanding of and compassion for seniors. I have also gained a real
appreciation for people who work in places like this. But enough is enough!

Of course, the ultimate "someday" for all Christians, including me, is
Heaven. Until then, though, we all have to cope with our earthly lot in
life, no matter what is. For me, it is easier to cope if I focus on
"someday" rather than the negative circumstances I live with.