Missing Out on Life

Missing Out On Life-I can't honestly say I am happy but I have learned to be
reasonably content in spite of my difficult circumstances. Certainly not all
the time but enough. However there are times, especially when I am with a
group of people, that I start to think of how much of life I am missing.
Then depression tries to get its grip on me.

Probably the area I feel that I have missed out most is with my kids. They
were so little when I had the stroke, not quite 5 and not quite 3, that I
never was able to be a mother to them. I had to watch them growing up and
let somebody else be a mother to Donovan and Heidi. I missed their school
years and all the ups and downs that come with them. I missed those
turbulent teenage years. Now that they are grownup and on their own, I still
have contact with them but I don't really know them and they don't know me.

I also feel like I am missing out on life when I listen to people, both at
church and the staff, talking about places they are going and things they
are doing. Sometimes, it is "fun" things in life that I can't do. But other
times, it is just the mundane things that make up a good part of life for most
people. Things like cooking meals, doing laundry, shopping, etc.

Summer is an especially hard time for me. Listening to people plan vacations
when I haven't been able to go anywhere for so long. Or listening to people
talk about camping or barbecues or other summer activities. Things that I
would so much like to do but, obviously, can't. I think that in an earlier
blog I mentioned how hard holidays of any kind are on me. During holidays I
always feel more like I am missing out on life.

I love going to church and always go if at all possible. However, church is also a place that I feel most left out of life. Especially before and after the service when everyone is talking about things that I can't take part in. But I also feel left out during the service. While the praise and worship is going on, everyone else is clapping, dancing and/or raising their hands to the Lord but all I can do is sit there like a lump. When people move around greeting each other, I have to wait for me for them to come to me. Even during the sermon I feel left out, mostly because I can't take notes like everyone else. I do always try to remember a few points that really speak to me so I can write them down when I gets on my computer but it is not like taking notes on the entire sermon. Plus, I don't always remember all of the points  that I wanted to write down.

Finally, I feel left out of life in the area of food. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to be able to eat at all. It is just that it would be nice to eat hard things like an apple, raw vegetables, nuts, etc. I would dearly love a big juicy steak right now.! But I have to limit myself to soft foods or I will choke. Still, I can eat the essentials. Like chocolate!

Like I mentioned before, I mostly feel left out of life in a group of people. When I am alone in my room in Long-term Care, with just God and my computer, it is not too often that I think about the things that I am missing out on Besides, I figure that, in the long run, none of those things are going to matter.