Focus on God

Focus On God-Because of all the time at my disposal,one of the biggest
challenges in my day-to-day life is keeping my focus on God. Yet, if I don't, I
am sure to end up depressed and feeling sorry for myself. These are things I
do to keep my attention where it should be.

The most obvious one is that I read the Bible. LOTS. From the time I get up
(around 7:30) until breakfast(between 9 and 9:30), I spend most of my time
doing my daily Bible reading plus other Bible reading. After breakfast, once
I have finished whatever writing I want to, I will frequently go on the
internet and look up and read scriptures pertaining to different topics.
Like encouragement, hope, peace, courage, etc. I do the same in the evening
while I am watching tv. During the intermission of whatever game I am
watching, I like to look up and read scriptures on a certain topic. One day
a week, Wednesday, I have what I call my "healing day". After breakfast,
instead of writing, I spend the morning looking up and reading scriptures on
healing, both in general and for the cancer. Oh, and then there are times
when, while doing something else on my computer, I just start to feel
restless and agitated. Then I read the Bible to calm myself down. So, as you
can see, a significant part of my day-to-day existence is spent reading the
Bible.

I also spend a lot of time praying. While I set aside a specific time, just
before I go to sleep, to primarily pray for others, I simply talk, in my
mind, to God all day. When I can't sleep, during the night as well. It may
not be formal but it is still talking to God so it is still prayer. Much of
the time, there is no human around for me to talk to so it is comforting to
know that I always have God around to talk to.

My music also helps to keep my focus on God. Especially in the afternoons when I have to rest in bed and can't use my computer. After a morning on my computer, I am tired so I often just lie in bed with my  eyes closed and listen to the lyrics. Because almost all of my music is Christian, it definitely keeps my focus on God. Sometimes, when an instrumental song is playing, in my mind, I make up my own lyrics to go with the tune. Occasionally, when my energy level is higher, I try to sing along to the songs.

Of course, making myself to start praising God when I don't feel like it is a good way to keep my focus on God. This is especially true when I feel myself starting to get agitated and discouraged. It also helps keep my focus on God if I make a point of praising Him during the mundane times. Like when I am having a bath or eating a meal.

Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often but,when I do have the opportunity to converse about God with a friend, it is an excellent way to keep my focus on God.

Then there are the mind games that I play with myself. In a previous blog, I mentioned my God ABCs. Other mind games I play are trying to think of scriptures from different books of the Bible, especially the Psalms. This is something I often do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. It helps to keep my focus on God, helps to pass time and keeps me calm when I can't sleep. Unfortunately, though, I don't do it all the time. During the afternoons. I sometimes try to think scriptures that match the song that I am listening to.

One final way I have to keep my focus on God is by writing these blogs. Because they are primarily about God and my relationship with Him and they take a fair bit of time to write , that is a good chunk of time on Saturday and Tuesday that it is easy to keep my focus on God.

That is what I do to keep my focus on God. I was thinking, though, that it is probably as big a challenge for Christians who are "out there" as well. Only their problem is the opposite of mine. Not enough time as opposed to too much time. 

God ABC's

God ABCs-One afternoon, both to pass time and to keep my focus on God, I
went through the alphabet, thinking of words to describe God. I thought it
might be fun to write them in this blog.

My "a" word is awesome. I know people throw the word around loosely. This is
awesome or that is awesome. The truth is, though, that the only truly
awesome person or thing is God. I have been a Christian for many years but I
am still in awe that there is  a God.

My "b" word is big. Nothing and nobody is as big as my God. So much bigger
than anything I or any other Christian may have to go through. We don't
see the big picture but He does.

My "c" word is cherish. I cherish God. To me, if you cherish something, you
really value it and are not willing to part with it. I am not willing to
part with my relationship with God for anybody or anything, not even life itself.

My "d" word is divine. When I see the word divine, I always think of
pertaining to God. Like divine healing is healing from God. (I have healing
on the brain ). I can't help thinking that there is nothing more divine than
God Himself!

My "e" word is excellent. Everything that God does is excellent. The very
best. I don't know how God intends to get me out of the predicament that I am
at present but I do know that it will be most excellent. And, no doubt,
bring glory to Himself.

My "f" word is friend. God is my best friend. Due to circumstances and my
communication difficulty, I don't have a huge amount of human friends
(though I do have a few really good ones). However, I do have a friend who
will always stick with me. Even during times I would rather not stick with
myself! And I can communicate with Him without the speech board!

My "g" word is good. You know, God with an extra "o". Whenever I think of
God, I always think of good. Just plain good. My circumstances may not be
the best right now but that doesn't change how good God is. I know that He
is working things out for my good even though right now I sure don't see
it.

My "h" word is holy. Yes, he is best friend but He is also a holy God.
Worthy of all honor and reverence. I am always amazed that such a holy,
perfect God, through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, would want to have
fellowship with a flawed, less-than-perfect people. But He does.

My "I" word is immortal. People here on earth pass away sooner or later,
but not so with God. He is the same God forever and ever. That is
mind-boggling!

My "j" word is joy. Joy, not happiness. Happiness depends on what is going
on but joy is a gift from God. It is there whether or not we feel happy.
Even in times of tears, the joy is still there because we know we are in the
Lord and He is in us.

My "k" word is king. A king is a supreme ruler. What he says, goes. In the
same way, God is my King of my life. Chances are, He is not going to explain
why He wants me to do, or not do, something. My job is simply to obey
without question.

My "l" word is lord. Not only is He my King, He is my Lord. A lord is a
master. God is my Master. Having once been a teacher, I kind of relate it to
the relationship that a teacher has with her or his students. The teacher tells the students
what to do because she/he knows what is best for them. In the same way, God
tells us what to do because he knows what is best for us.

My "m" word is mighty. No one or nothing is mightier than God. The Bible says
that He can do anything. So He must have the might required for any task. It
is comforting to me to know that, no matter, what befalls me, His might far
surpasses my difficulty.

My "n" word nature. Everything in nature makes me think of God. To be
honest, being out in nature usually makes me think that this really must
have been a beautiful world before God made people to mess it up! Still,
everything about nature is amazing and could only have been made by an
amazing God. All the beauty, the variety of animals with their marvellous
instincts, etc.

My "o" word is omniscient. The all-knowing God. I always think that there is no point trying to hide anything, especially my thoughts, from God. He knows them anyway. At times, that can be rather disconcerting.

My "p" word is peace. The God kind of peace is not like the peace of the world. It is a deep down knowing that all is well because God is in control of my life. There are times, when my emotions are running haywire, that I lose my peace, but it always comes back.

My "r" word is righteous. God is righteous. Everything He does is right. And He has made me righteous. Put me in right standing with Himself. I like that.

My "s" word is supreme. My God is supreme, higher than everyone and everything. Just thinking about that makes me start to worship God.

My "t" word is trust. God can be trusted to do what He says. We find out what He says by reading the Bible. God is not like many people who say they will do something but than change their mind.  God's word is final. Since being diagnosed with cancer, just about every day I pray that God will help me to trust Him the way I need to trust Him right now.

My "u" word is unique. God is unique. There is nobody like Him. That makes me happy. I mean, how much trust would you have in somebody who claims to be a god but who is like other people?

My "v" word is victory. Because of all God has done for us, in the end we win. Read the last book of the Bible. Sure, right now we may have problems, some of them severe, but IF we don't give up, one day we will be in Heaven with God where there are no problems.

My "w" word is worship. God is worthy of all praise and worship. Think of it. All He has done, and is still doing for us, and all He wants is our praise and worship. Can't we do that much for Him?

My "y" word is Yahweh. That is Hebrew for God. To me, the word Yahweh just sounds impressive and majestic. Like my God is.

My "z" word is zenith. The zenith of something is the peak or very top. God is the zenith of perfection. There is nobody, absolutely nobody, above my God. And He is the zenith of my life. Nothing in my life, good or bad can top Him.

Notice there are no words for "q" or "x". I couldn't think of any. For most letters, there are several words I could have used. However, the intent of this blog is to share an example of the mind games I play to keep myself focused on God.

More Random Thoughts

More Random Thoughts-One day, awhile back, I was considering not writing
anymore blogs as I really felt that I had nothing else to about. But then
the thought came to me that I may, eventually, want to write a book and
these blogs would probably come in handy. Writing a book has never been on
my "to do" list but, I guess, anything is possible. Besides, I can't help
thinking that it is probably better to try, in writing, to describe what I
am feeling right now when I am going through it than to try and remember
those feelings afterward.

I do have feelings, both good and bad. God made us that way. When my
emotions are not in a good place, I sometimes wish that I was a robot so I
didn't have the discomfort and frustration of my daily life. And I would
always obey God without question. On the other hand, there are times that I
am extremely thankful to have emotions. Times when I feel the presence of
God so strongly that, if I could, I would dance, sing or praise God. I have
learned, though, not to go by my feelings, either good or bad. If I let my
negative emotions run wild for too long, I will end up depressed all the
time. Positive emotions are great while they last. Maybe they last for some
people but they don't for me. I face too many negative circumstances daily.
So I have chosen to focus on what the Bible has to say not what my emotions are
saying at that moment. The Bible never changes, no matter if I am in a
"snit" or "flying high"!

One thing that I still struggle with, though not as much as when I was first
diagnosed with cancer, is the thought that it is not fair. Since the stroke,
I have gone through a lot and, I thought, adding cancer on top of everything
was a bit much. The one thing that has always stopped me from "it is not
fair" is the thought of what Jesus went through for a world full of
ungrateful people. Instead, most of the time anyway, I am choosing to view
this cancer as sign of approval from God. He must know that I can handle it,
even if I am not so sure.

Right now.I feel like I am in limbo. I am not 100% sure what will happen to
me. However, I am pretty sure of one thing. Whatever happens, God is going
to get glory out of it.

One Sunday at church, the Holy Spirit pointed out that the cancer has become a distraction from my need for overall healing. He was right, as always. After I was diagnosed with cancer, I spent most of the time reading scriptures and making confessions about the cancer. Since that was pointed out to me, I been trying to keep more of a balance between fighting against the cancer and fighting against everything else that is wrong with me. I still focus on the cancer but not as much. Afterall, how great would it be if the cancer went away but I was left in the same condition that I have been in for years?
My life is extremely difficult, more difficult than I put into words. But, unless my negative emotions are in control, I also consider myself to be extremely blessed. Blessed to have been chosen to go through this. Through, at times, I wish He had chosen somebody else! Even being diagnosed with cancer has been a blessing as it has made me even more reliant on God.

That is enough babbling. I was wondering if anybody has anything specific that they would like me to write about. No guarantees but I could use some ideas. Please continue to pray for me. 

I will Bless Praise The Lord At All Times

I Will Praise The Lord At ALL Times-I am now in a situation where, aside
from stuffing myself full of scriptures and praying, I figure all I can do
is praise God and trust Him to get me out of this predicament in His way and
time. The Bible says that we are to praise God at all times. I started
thinking of all the times and places that I could, and should be praising
God.

The most obvious time to praise God is when I am at church. It is pretty
easy then with the music team playing and others praising. Quite a few years
ago, while at church, I was thinking to God that He must really like Sundays
with so many people praising Him. But His reply was that it means more to
Him when people praise Him during the week.

I don't sleep well. A perfect time for me to praise Him would be in the
middle of the night when I can't sleep anyway and there is nothing to
distract from God. At times, I do start to praise God but, too often, my
thoughts wander into frustration that I either can't get to sleep or wake up
way to early.

The nurses dress me about 6 am but I don't get up until between 7 and 7:30.
I call the intervening period my "quiet" time. I use it to meditate on Bible
verses, pray or praise God. At times.my mind does wander but, most of the
time, I am to drag it back where it should be.

Once I am up and able to use my computer, it is much easier to keep my focus
on God. Easier to praise once my Christian music starts playing. I start
each day, except Sunday, with five Psalms. There is lots of praise in the
Psalms. I spend most of the time until breakfast reading the Bible so my
focus is on God and His praise.

Our breakfasts are late. Between 9 and 9:30. I admit that it, along with
other meals, is not a time that I praise God. In fact, half the time I even
forget to say grace. I am too busy watching other people, listening to what
the nurses are talking about or, sometimes, chatting with whoever is feeding
me. Anyway, if we are supposed to praise God all times, I get an F at
mealtimes!

After breakfast, it is back my computer until lunch. This time, though, it is usually to write. Either e-mails, blogs or, once in awhile, a letter. Once I have finished my writing for the day.if there is still time before lunch, I like to do something that I have been doing since I was diagnosed with cancer. I read scriptures on different topics. Like scriptures on hope, peace, courage, etc. Including scriptures on praise. I always find them uplifting, no matter how I feel.

After lunch, I rest in bed. Which means I am not able to use my computer. But my music is still playing so I spend most afternoons listening to music and, hopefully, praising God. There are times, though, that my mind wanders unto negative things and it needs to be jerked back to God and His praise.

In evening, I mostly watch tv. Sports most of the time. However, ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, I try, each evening to read some scriptures on different topics. Like in the morning. I really enjoy watching sports but I know that is not where I will find the miracle that I need.

Before I go to sleep, I like to pray for certain people. But, before I start, I like to praise and give thanks. Since the cancer diagnosis , one thing that I always thank Him for, along with other things, is for another day that I feel pretty good. I know, though, that I don't spend enough time just praising God.

One other time that I realized I don't praise God enough is when I am having a bath. I got to thinking that there is no reason not to praise God when I can't be using my speech board to chat anyway.

If we, as Christians, including myself, are commanded to praise God at ALL times, I suspect we are doing a poor job. At least, I am. The point of this blog, I think, to make me aware of times that I am not praising God when I could and should be. 

An Off Day

An Off Day-It is Saturday. The day I usually start my blog. Today, though, I
have nothing specific to write about. So I am just going to start writing
and, whatever comes out, comes out.

I woke up this morning feeling like I couldn't face another day like this. I
started crying while the nurses were getting me dressed. And I cried off and
on when I first started using my computer. I had to literally force myself
to start doing my daily Bible reading. However, after some Bible reading,
and a nice cup of coffee, I do feel better able to face the day.

Let's see if I can explain what has bothered me lately. When I was first
saved, I knew that I would be restored to total health. But then year after
endless year went by with no apparent change in my circumstances. However,
in March of this year when I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought things
were finally starting to change. But, once the doctors determined that there
is nothing they can do for me, I seem to have gone back to the same going
round and round with nothing ever changing. I can honestly say, though,
that, throughout the long years, even after being diagnosed with
"untreatable" cancer, I have never have given up hope.

Only now I have symptoms of cancer to deal with on top of everything else
that is wrong with me.  A couple of weeks ago, I stopped
taking some medication that they were giving me to slow down the spread of
the cancer. It was a form of chemo but all it was going to do was prolong
things. I really don't want things prolonged. I will take my chances with
God alone. It is actually very liberating to know that God has the healing
of my entire body in His hands.

Do I believe that God will get me out of the mess that I am at present? Yes,
I do. For this reason. I cannot see a loving God keeping me alive and
allowing me to suffer for so many years just to let me die a slow, agonizing
death like cancer. That sounds almost sadistic to me. However, I also know
that God is a sovereign God and His perspective on things may be totally different than mine. Anyway, despite all the discomfort and frustration of my life, I really am in a win-win situation. Either I get healed in this life and carry on with whatever God has for me to do or I go to Heaven to live with Jesus. Can't beat that!

Now it is Tuesday and time to finish this blog. And, yes, my emotions are in a much better place today. I knew they would be because I have learned that, even though it is ok to have an off, woe is me time, it is up to me not to let it go on and on. It is up to me to pull myself out of it. God will let me wallow in it until I decide to do something about it. And that something is to take the focus off me and the circumstances and back on Jesus where it should be. The key word, though, is LEARNED. It didn't happen overnight for me and it won't for others either.

This morning, I had this thought. I am now 66 years old. I had the stroke when I was 33 so that means that I have spent half my life in a hospital. My next thought was, "What do I have to show for it?". The answer has to be, on the outside, nothing but, on the inside where it really matters, I am sure there have been some significant changes.

This blog has no specific theme. Mostly, it is just a few of my thoughts as I wait on God. 

Jesus Is My...

Jesus Is My... -One day, I had that song on my mind that refers to Jesus as
our all in all. That made me start thinking of some of the things that Jesus
is to me.

Most importantly, Jesus is my salvation. Because Jesus died on that cross so
long ago and rose again and because I have asked Him to forgive my sins and
be Lord of my life, I know that no matter what happens in this life I will
never see hell. Instead, after I die, I will go to Heaven to live with Jesus
forever and ever. I don't really know what it will be like but I do know that it will be amazing without the
pains and sorrows that we have here.

Jesus is my healer. My Great Physician. Because of the
effects of the "complication" from the brain stem stroke and now the
cancer, human doctors can nothing for me but Dr. Jesus can and will. I still
believe for complete restoration to health while I am living here on earth
but if for some unknown reason it doesn't happen, I know that I will be in
perfect health in Heaven.

Jesus is my anti-depressant.  I do have spells of depression, sometimes
quite severe, but thanks to Jesus, they usually don't last too long. I have
learned that if I feel depressed, it is usually because I am guilty of
starting to think too much about myself, my difficult present circumstances, 
and my potentially bleak future. So I need to get my focus back on Jesus
where it should. When I am having a pity-party, that is not an easy thing to
do. I have to FORCE myself to pray, read the Bible or anything else that
will get my mind on Jesus.

Jesus is my constant companion and best friend. Human friends are wonderful
and I appreciate them very much. But no matter how great they may be, they
can't be with me all the time like Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, is. Even
in the middle of the night. The communication problem that I have makes
human friendships difficult, but in my mind I can talk to Jesus anytime I
want. Believe me, He has heard it all-the good, the bad and the ugly.

Jesus is my Holy One. Because Jesus is my constant companion and friend, I sometimes have to remind myself of just how holy He is. Worthy of all reverence and awe. One thing that helps to remind me of His holiness is the Christian music that I have playing for most of the day. Many songs talk about His holiness.

Jesus is my hope. Hope of eternal life in Heaven of course, but also hope for a better life here on earth. Nothing is impossible with Jesus so, no matter how bleak the circumstances get, I know that I always have hope in Him. That hope has carried me through a lot of difficult situations for a long time and is continuing through my present circumstances which are not looking too good. At least, not by human doctors. But my hope is in Jesus, not humans of any kind.

Jesus is my refuge. When I feel overwhelmed by the circumstances facing me, I have learned that I need to run TO, not away, from Jesus. If I am up and can use my computer, I usually do this by reading the Bible. In it, I find encouragement, hope, peace, courage, etc. At other times, though, I am in bed and can't use my computer. Then I run to Him as my refuge through praise, sometimes in word, sometimes in song. In my mind, of course. Jesus knows what is going on in my mind. Other times I take refuge by quoting Bible verses to myself that encourage me.

To sum it up, Jesus is my life. Most of it anyway. Let's be honest. Since the stroke, I haven't had much of a life. But, somehow, Jesus is getting me through it and will continue to do so until the end as long as I keep Him as the center of my life. 

Hopes and Dreams

Hopes And Dreams-A friend of mine from university came for a visit and
brought some pictures of me (us) during university days. We had lots of fun
looking at the pictures and remembering. The truth, though, is those
pictures made me a little sad. Especially my graduation picture. The young
girl in that picture had so many hopes and dreams but look at me now. Except
I know that I still have hopes and dreams. They have just changed with added
years and changing circumstances.

When I graduated from university, my main hope and dream was to obtain a
teaching position. Afterall, I had gone to university to become a teacher.
It didn't happen right away, though, as I didn't obtain a regular position
until the following January. In the meantime, I was a substitute teacher in
Medicine Hat. Then I got a phone call that they needed a teacher in Cold
Lake. Where on earth was Cold Lake? Side note. I have never been able to
shake the idea that somehow God was involved in getting me to Cold Lake.
When the superintendent called, he said that he had phoned the University of
Lethbridge and they gave him my name. If he wanted somebody just out of
university, why didn't he call Edmonton which is a lot closer than
Lethbridge is. Anyway, I needed a job so I trundled off to Cold Lake, not
really knowing where I was going, and my brief teaching career began.

Once I was established in a fulltime teaching position, my next hope and
dream was like that of most young girls. I wanted to get married. Back then,
people actually got married before living together. After a couple of years
of teaching, I settled into what I thought would be a lengthy period as a
teacher, wife and, eventually, mother.

But I was so very, very wrong. After I came out of the coma, following the
brain stem stroke, my hopes and dreams had all radically changed. I woke up
only to discover that I was totally paralyzed and unable to speak. However,
the doctor did say that I would relearn to walk and talk and, to that end,
all my hopes and dreams were focused .

But then came the "complication". No matter what happened, I knew that I would never get better. My hopes and dreams died. I had no future that I even wanted to think about so I spent most of that period thinking about the past. And being depressed.

But then came September of 1985. I got saved. I knew that I knew that I knew that I would be healed. I was so excited. I thought that God would zap me at any minute and I would be the same as before. Little did I know how long it would be, or how much I would have to learn, before I get healed. As the years rolled by with no change in my condition, my zeal and excitement turned to dogged determination to stick it out. I can honestly say, though, that I have never given up on my hopes and dreams of a full recovery.

This past March, when I was starting to think that nothing will ever change, something did change. But not for the better. I was diagnosed with cancer . After I got over the shock, and after all hope of medical help was gone, in desperation, bordering on panic, I turned even more to God. I stuffed myself full of Bible verses for cancer patients and made confessions against the cancer. Recently, though, I have been trying to keep more of a balance between seeking healing for the cancer and seeking healing for everything else that is wrong with me. I can't help thinking that, once God heals the rest of me, the cancer will be gone as well.

So, as of today, that is how things stand. At the present time, most of my hopes and dreams are centered around my total healing, including the cancer. As for hopes and dreams for the future after I receive my healing, I don't really have any as I have no clue what God has planned for my future. From time to time, though, I can't help speculating.