An Off Day

An Off Day-It is Saturday. The day I usually start my blog. Today, though, I
have nothing specific to write about. So I am just going to start writing
and, whatever comes out, comes out.

I woke up this morning feeling like I couldn't face another day like this. I
started crying while the nurses were getting me dressed. And I cried off and
on when I first started using my computer. I had to literally force myself
to start doing my daily Bible reading. However, after some Bible reading,
and a nice cup of coffee, I do feel better able to face the day.

Let's see if I can explain what has bothered me lately. When I was first
saved, I knew that I would be restored to total health. But then year after
endless year went by with no apparent change in my circumstances. However,
in March of this year when I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought things
were finally starting to change. But, once the doctors determined that there
is nothing they can do for me, I seem to have gone back to the same going
round and round with nothing ever changing. I can honestly say, though,
that, throughout the long years, even after being diagnosed with
"untreatable" cancer, I have never have given up hope.

Only now I have symptoms of cancer to deal with on top of everything else
that is wrong with me.  A couple of weeks ago, I stopped
taking some medication that they were giving me to slow down the spread of
the cancer. It was a form of chemo but all it was going to do was prolong
things. I really don't want things prolonged. I will take my chances with
God alone. It is actually very liberating to know that God has the healing
of my entire body in His hands.

Do I believe that God will get me out of the mess that I am at present? Yes,
I do. For this reason. I cannot see a loving God keeping me alive and
allowing me to suffer for so many years just to let me die a slow, agonizing
death like cancer. That sounds almost sadistic to me. However, I also know
that God is a sovereign God and His perspective on things may be totally different than mine. Anyway, despite all the discomfort and frustration of my life, I really am in a win-win situation. Either I get healed in this life and carry on with whatever God has for me to do or I go to Heaven to live with Jesus. Can't beat that!

Now it is Tuesday and time to finish this blog. And, yes, my emotions are in a much better place today. I knew they would be because I have learned that, even though it is ok to have an off, woe is me time, it is up to me not to let it go on and on. It is up to me to pull myself out of it. God will let me wallow in it until I decide to do something about it. And that something is to take the focus off me and the circumstances and back on Jesus where it should be. The key word, though, is LEARNED. It didn't happen overnight for me and it won't for others either.

This morning, I had this thought. I am now 66 years old. I had the stroke when I was 33 so that means that I have spent half my life in a hospital. My next thought was, "What do I have to show for it?". The answer has to be, on the outside, nothing but, on the inside where it really matters, I am sure there have been some significant changes.

This blog has no specific theme. Mostly, it is just a few of my thoughts as I wait on God.