One Day at a Time

One Day At A Time-One morning, I was listening to the song "One Day At A
Time" and it struck me that that is how I have to live out life in my
present circumstances. Much as I would like, I know that I can't live either
in the past or the future. All I have is today, such as it is.

I know that it is totally futile to dwell on the past. The past is just
that-past. Every so often, I will start thinking about something stupid that
I  did years ago and I start to feel bad. At those times, I have to reign my
thoughts in and remind myself that it is pretty silly to let something that
happened years ago upset me. It just as silly for me to start thinking about
how long that I been in this condition and all that I have missed out on.
Invariably, I just make myself depressed. Sometimes, I do indulge in
pleasant memories from the past. It helps to pass time and I am usually not
depressed when I am having pleasant memories. However, I know that that they
are just memories and are not going to help me cope with my day-to-day life
now. I need God for that. Sometimes, I will think about somebody that I
haven't seen or thought about in years. That may be the positive aspect of
thinking about the past as I believe that it is the Holy Spirit calling me
to pray for them.

However, I know that it is just as futile to always be speculating on the
future. What is going to happen, is going happen. If I start thinking
about all
the long, lonely, dreary years that may still be ahead of me, I only depress
myself. Even if I allow myself to look ahead to the next days and see
nothing but the same thing day after day, I start to despond. The one
positive thing about thinking about the future is that I dream a lot about
when, where and how my healing will take place. Especially the look on
people's faces! Even though I know that my healing will probably be nothing
like my dreams, the dreams help to keep up my hopes.

So I meander through my present life, one day at a time. Sometimes just a
few hours a time. Except for Sundays, I kind of divide my days into three
increments to be gotten through. Mornings using my computer, afternoons
resting in bed and evenings watching tv. Each day seems like a million hours
but, somehow, they go by. 31+ years, in fact. I sometimes wonder how I have
been able to hold on so long but I know that it is nothing but the grace of
God.

I suppose that the the old adage "one day at a time" is, or should be, true
for everybody. I certainly know that it is for me! 

What Long Term Care Has Taught Me

Things I Have Learned From Being In Long-term Care-After the stroke and
after I ended up in my present condition, I was placed in Long-term Care,
probably largely because there was no other place for me to go. I was in my
late 30s when I was first placed in this Long-term Care facility. I am now
in my 60s so I have had plenty of time to get a "feel" for the place, so to
speak.

One thing that I have learned is that the elderly are just people with their
own little quirks, just like we all have. Before I came into Long-term Care,
I was never around seniors very often, being as all my grandparents passed
away when I was quite young. When I first came into Long-term Care, I wasn't
even 40 yet and I remember thinking, "What on earth am doing with all these
"old people"? God impressed on me that, though they are often forgotten,
they are still His people. Over the years, many seniors have come into this
place, eventually passed away and others taken their place. But I try to
remember that they are as important to God as anybody else.

If I had to sum up life in Long-term Care in one word it would be
"lonely". At least, I assume that other cognitive people are as lonely as I
am at times. However, being as I spend most of the time in my room, either
using my computer or resting in bed, I really don't know that for sure. What
I do know is this. There is not enough staff on to take time to visit with
these people. I guess this is where friends and family should step in. From
what I see at mealtimes, some family members are really good at spending
time here. Others, I really can't say.

Along with other things, Long-term Care is teaching me patience. With
minimal staff and 30 or 31 people to be taken care, somebody will be waiting
most of the time. Because I am cognitive and understand the situation, I
often think that I may as well be the one to wait. Except in the mornings when
I like to get right away so I can get on my computer and read the Bible
until breakfast. That usually puts me in a better mood for the rest of the
day.

I have learned that living in Long-term care is not cheap. I find the rent
here quite steep. Mind you, I so out of touch with the world that I find the
prices now for most things rather high. But, when that rent includes both
food and utilities, neither of which are cheap, I guess the rent has to be
that high. I am just thankful that my finances are in such a state that
paying the rent is no problem for me.

I have learned to appreciate people who work in facilities like this. I
couldn't do it. I was a teacher so I dealt with the opposite end of the
spectrum. I really do think that it takes special people to work in a place
like this. Like most jobs, there are probably some in it just for the money
but, for the most part, the staff seems to really care about these people.
For people who don't always have a lot of people to care for them, I think
that is important. For me, it means a lot to me to know the staff cares,
even when I am not at my best.

I will conclude by saying this. Even though I would never have chosen to
reside in Long-term Care, it has been quite an eye-opener. A valuable one, I
think. 

Wants Vs Needs

Needs Versus Wants-This is a thought that has been rolling around in my
mind, off and on, for a couple of years. That is that what we people may see
as "needs" may be, in the eyes of God, mere "wants". However, that is not to
to say that He never give us our "wants" along with our "needs".

There are some things that I , and everybody else, "need". The most
important one is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ which only comes
by being born-again. Simply and bluntly put, it is a matter of heaven or
hell. To be born-again is pretty simple.  All I did to become born-again was
to have another born-again Christian pray with me. And not in church either.
In a hospital room.

Another thing that I , and everybody , "need" is air to breathe. No doubt,
because of our "civilized" world, the air that we breathe now has not the
same quality as the air way back when. But, the main thing is that it is
keeping us alive. Without air, we all would be in BIG trouble!

We all "need" food and water to survive. However, I suspect that something
that is a basic "need" has, in affluent countries like ours, turned more
into a "want". Instead of eating to live, we, and I include myself, are now
eating for pleasure. At times, too much and/or food that is not good for the
body.

I need clothing. So does everybody. Especially when we live in a place that
gets to -40! But, like with food, our "need" for clothing has changed more
into a "want" as we aren't happy with the basic clothing that we "need" but
"want" the latest fashion.

Money. I debated whether to include money as a "need". But I do "need" money
to pay my rent in this place. I have no idea what they would do with me if I
couldn't pay it. Obviously, money is more of a "need" now than when people
could barter with sheep and chickens! The question is how much is money we
actually "need" to live on or for doing what God wants and how much we
"want" for bigger houses, fancier cars, trips, etc.

Then there are those things that are not "needs" in the sense that I
wouldn't be able to go on living without them but that are very important to
both God and myself. Included in this category is my healing. I have no idea
of the ramifications but I do know that it is important to God simply
because He promised it and He is not going to promise something that is not
important to Him. As for me, well who wouldn't want to get healed? Besides,
how can I do what God wants me to do if I can't do anything?

Going to church is also included in this category. I know that the local
church is important to God as it is there so that we receive instruction but
also have the support of other Christians. For me personally, church is
very important and I appreciate all the people who, over the years, have
made sure that I am there most of time. Simply put, church is a time of
refreshing for me when I get to praise God with others.

Reading the Bible is not an actual "need" but pretty close. One of the most
important things that we can do for God is to read the Bible because that is
how we get to know His thoughts. For me, the Bible is pretty much
everything. It encourages me when I feel down, it is company for me when I
feel lonely, it calms me down when I feel agitated, etc.

I admit, though, that there are times when I tell God that I "need"
something when I know very well that it is just a "want". For example, when
I tell God that I "need" a change, I know very well that it is nothing more
than a want because I am so tired of the same thing day after day after
day..... 

Its a good life

It Is A Good Life-One night when I couldn't sleep, I was idly thinking about
what I might write about in my next blog. The thought "it is a good life"
popped into my head. My first reaction was, "Say what? You have GOT to be
kidding! " However, upon further meditation, and a lot of input from the
Holy Spirit, I did manage to come up with a few ways that this is a good
life.

The most obvious one is my intimate relationship with God. I know very well
that, if I were more active with more interaction with people, I would not
be as close to God as I am at present. I know that I won't always be as
inactive and, from time to time, I admit to God that I will miss all of our
time together. Not that I plan to not spend time with Him but it will never
be quite the same as it is now.

Another way that my life is "good" is that, even though my life is tedious
and hum-drum, it is also not stressful. We live in such a fast paced society
that, these days, most people seem to be stressed out about something. I,
though , live at such a slow pace that there is not a whole lot to stress
about. Once in awhile. I am silly enough to let myself get stressed over
some minor thing or incident but, for the most part, there is not much in my
life cause stress.

One reason that there is not a lot of stress in my day-to-day life is that I
really have no responsibilities. No job to go to, no marriage to work at
keeping in good order, no family to raise, no bills to pay or whatever.
Needing other people to do everything for me is extremely frustrating but it
relieves me of responsibility. Simply put, if other people don't do things
for me, they don't get done. However, it is my responsibility to make sure
they know what needs to be done.

One final way that my life is "good" is that my time is my own. Aside from a
few scheduled things like meals and bedtime, I am free to do what I want
with my time. Even though I complain that I have too much time on my hands,
not having so many other responsibilities frees me up to do what I want. Of
course, taking into consideration my present physical limitations. When I am
not in bed, most of the time I spend on my computer. I can do whatever I
want on my computer, only I don't do anything that I know would displease
God. I know some people are constrained to use their computers for work or
schooling or whatever.

I admit that I am reluctant to admit that this is a "good" life but I
suppose it is in a few ways. But I still would like it to end. 

Things That Are Important To Me

-Actually, the reason that I am writing
about this is that I happened to mention something that is important to me,
at this point in time, to a nurse and she said that I should put it in my
blog. Of course, that got me thinking about other things that are important
right now in my mundane day-to-day life.

By far, the most important thing in my life now, and hopefully forever, is
God. And it is important to me that I have time to spend with Him,praying,
reading the Bible, worshiping, just talking with Him or enjoying His
presence. Right now, in Long-term Care, finding time to be alone with God is
absolutely no problem. The nurses are so busy that I don't see them that
often. Mostly when they are getting me up, putting me to bed or at
mealtimes. However, I know this having so much time to spend alone with God
won't last forever. Right now, it is hard for me to imagine but there will
come a time, once I am healed, that I know I won't have all the time for God
that I do right now. Thankfully, I have learned to communicate with God in
my mind at any time and in any place.

The thing that I had mentioned to the nurse was that, because there is
nothing else I can do, it is important to me to make my own decisions, no
matter how trivial. The nurses are really good about that. I pick my own
clothes and earrings-when I wear them. Our choices of food are extremely
limited. Still, though, the kitchen staff usually asks what I want to eat.
The nurses even give me a choice of the order I eat things on my plate. Once
in awhile, somebody does make a decision for me. That doesn't sit well with
me but it also doesn't happen often enough for me to get all bent out of
shape about.

Another thing that is important to me is to be talked to like an mature,
reasonably intelligent adult. This really hasn't been an issue of late but,
in past, I have had people speak loudly and slowly to me. I do dislike being
called such endearments like dear, honey, etc. It makes me feel like a
two-year-old, even though I know that is not at all the intent. I know it is
just me. Still, though, prefer to be called by my name.

One more thing that is important to me right now are my friends. I have some
truly wonderful friends. Because I can't do anything for myself, I have to
depend on friends to do a lot for me. Maybe it something in my room or
taking me somewhere. And I am so thankful for the friend who looks after my
money for me. That is a big load off my mind. But I also value my
"invisible" friends. By that I mean the ones that I don't see on a regular
basis but are taking time to pray for me. I know that nothing is more
important than prayer. I have to include the nurses in with my friends. Over
the years, I have had some really good friends among the nurses. I will give
an example of their friendship that still overwhelms me. A couple of times I
have had sleepovers with my "adopted " family and, on their own time, some
of the nurses came to put me to bed and some came in the morning to get me
up.

these are just a few of the things that are important to me right now in the
situation that I am in. 

What I Have Learned About God And Man

-In September, I will have been a
Christian for 30 years. In that span of time, and under extremely difficult
circumstances, I have learned, experientially, about God.

One thing which means a lot to me is knowing that God loves me just as much
when I am feeling really frustrated and having a meltdown or am totally
depressed as when I am acting the way that I perceive a Christian should
act. Matter of fact, it is often in my down times that I feel the presence
of God the most. It didn't happen overnight but it was so liberating when it
finally got through to me that I don't have to perform in a certain way to
have God's approval.

Another thing that I have learned is the reality of "I will never leave you or
forsake you". Sometimes, not often, when I am really, really out of sorts I
wish that I could get rid of God but I have learned that is not going to
happen-unless I turn my back on Him for good. Most of the time, though, I
love His presence. At times, I do get lonely for people around who I can
talk to. It is so nice to know that God is always there to talk to. And He
doesn't need the speech board, either!

I know, by experience, that God does answer prayer. I have had so many
prayers answered over the years. Not many that would be considered major
but, because I can't do anything by myself, I pray about things that mobile
people wouldn't simply because they can do them for themselves. I can't
count the number of times that I have prayed about something and the answer
comes. Be it sending a nurse when I need one, a visitor after I have prayed
for one or some other thing that I have prayed about. Not that every single
prayer gets answered but often enough that I know prayer works.

Because of all the times that God has answered prayers in my day-to-day
life, I have learned that God is concerned about every aspect of our lives.
He not just concerned about major things like my healing or the salvation of
my kids and my sisters, but also my mundane, everyday life. I do have a part
to play, though. And that is too make sure to keep God front and center in
all areas of my life.

I can also attest to the sustaining power of God. Quite often, I wonder how
on earth I have been able to endure so much for so many years and am still
sane, more or less. The answer, of course, is the grace of God. God gives us
the grace we need to cope with whatever situation and the grace He gives me
is not going to be the same as He gives to somebody else.

But I have also learned a couple of things about people that I didn't
understand before. One is that people usually avoid what they are not
comfortable with.  Way back when I first had the stroke and my husband was
still taking me home on weekends, friends of ours would come to visit while
I was at home. But they never came to the hospital to visit. It was more
comfortable for them to come to see me while I was at home and my husband
was there as well. I totally understand as, in the past, I have done the
same thing.

Another thing that I have learned about people is that, if we really, really
want to do something, they will find a way. On the other hand, if we are
only thinking of doing it because we feel we should or for some other reason
but have no real desire to do it, we can usually come up with an excuse for
not doing it.

I won't lie . It has been a long, extremely difficult 30 years. But I am
trusting that some of the things that I have learned, both about God and
man, will stay with me. 

Waiting

Waiting-I often think that waiting is the story of my life. It seems like
I
have been waiting FOREVER for the fulfillment of the promise that God made
to me so many years ago. Sometimes, I wonder how on earth I have been able
to hang on for so long. But I know it is the grace of God. And nothing but
the grace of God.

My day-to-day life is fraught with waiting as well. The waiting usually
starts even before the nurses get me dressed around 6 or a little before.
Most mornings, I wake up before then and I have to wait until the nurses
come. The waiting is especially difficult when my heel(s) is sore or when I
have some other pain that changing position would relieve.

Once I am dressed, I still stay in bed until around 7:30 when the day nurses
get me up and I can start using my computer until breakfast. That is not
until between 9 and 9:30 so there is another period of waiting. Except that
is when I do my Bible reading so I don't really consider it waiting as it
goes by pretty quickly.

After breakfast, it is back to my computer for the rest of the morning which
goes by quite quickly. They come to get me for lunch and, afterwards, I just
sit and listen to music, waiting until the nurses come to put to bed for a
rest. How long I wait, depends on how busy they are with other people.
Unless the nurses decide to put me to bed first. I know that with 30 people
to look after, somebody has to wait. Once the waiting is over, I am always
glad to get into bed because I  am tired and my neck feels better when I lie
down with a pillow under it. I am happy just to lie and listen to
Christian music.

However , after a couple of hours, I am waiting again. This time, I am
waiting to get up and back on my computer until supper. After supper, I
usually just watch tv as I don't have the energy for much else. I am good
until about 9 or 9:30 when I am getting tired and start waiting for bed.
Unless, of course, there is something riveting on tv. Then bedtime comes too
soon.

Once in bed, there is another wait, To fall asleep. Sometimes, it is not a
long wait but, other times, it seems like forever. And all I can do is lie
there and wait. I can't get up and read or watch tv until I feel like
sleeping.

There are other times of waiting in my life. When I am going out, I have to
wait until somebody comes to get me. I used to just sit and wait which was
really tedious. But, now, I use my computer until they come so the wait
isn't so bad.

Another wait I have is when people say that they are going to visit me at a
certain time. I look forward to visitors so I wait with anticipation. I am
ok with it until the designated time or even a few minutes after. But what
does upset me is waiting and waiting for people who never do show up. That
has happened to me a few times.

I do understand that, because I have to depend on other people for
everything, the times of waiting are inevitable. But I also believe that God
is using these times of waiting and, in the long run, I will be a better
person for it. At least, it is teaching me patience, that word we all love
so much!