Missing Out on Life

Missing Out On Life-I can't honestly say I am happy but I have learned to be
reasonably content in spite of my difficult circumstances. Certainly not all
the time but enough. However there are times, especially when I am with a
group of people, that I start to think of how much of life I am missing.
Then depression tries to get its grip on me.

Probably the area I feel that I have missed out most is with my kids. They
were so little when I had the stroke, not quite 5 and not quite 3, that I
never was able to be a mother to them. I had to watch them growing up and
let somebody else be a mother to Donovan and Heidi. I missed their school
years and all the ups and downs that come with them. I missed those
turbulent teenage years. Now that they are grownup and on their own, I still
have contact with them but I don't really know them and they don't know me.

I also feel like I am missing out on life when I listen to people, both at
church and the staff, talking about places they are going and things they
are doing. Sometimes, it is "fun" things in life that I can't do. But other
times, it is just the mundane things that make up a good part of life for most
people. Things like cooking meals, doing laundry, shopping, etc.

Summer is an especially hard time for me. Listening to people plan vacations
when I haven't been able to go anywhere for so long. Or listening to people
talk about camping or barbecues or other summer activities. Things that I
would so much like to do but, obviously, can't. I think that in an earlier
blog I mentioned how hard holidays of any kind are on me. During holidays I
always feel more like I am missing out on life.

I love going to church and always go if at all possible. However, church is also a place that I feel most left out of life. Especially before and after the service when everyone is talking about things that I can't take part in. But I also feel left out during the service. While the praise and worship is going on, everyone else is clapping, dancing and/or raising their hands to the Lord but all I can do is sit there like a lump. When people move around greeting each other, I have to wait for me for them to come to me. Even during the sermon I feel left out, mostly because I can't take notes like everyone else. I do always try to remember a few points that really speak to me so I can write them down when I gets on my computer but it is not like taking notes on the entire sermon. Plus, I don't always remember all of the points  that I wanted to write down.

Finally, I feel left out of life in the area of food. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to be able to eat at all. It is just that it would be nice to eat hard things like an apple, raw vegetables, nuts, etc. I would dearly love a big juicy steak right now.! But I have to limit myself to soft foods or I will choke. Still, I can eat the essentials. Like chocolate!

Like I mentioned before, I mostly feel left out of life in a group of people. When I am alone in my room in Long-term Care, with just God and my computer, it is not too often that I think about the things that I am missing out on Besides, I figure that, in the long run, none of those things are going to matter. 

Hymns

Hymns-I love music. L don't have a musical bone in my body but I have always
liked to listen to it. Even more now that I am  forced "to be still and wait
upon God". There are a lot of modern Christian songs out there there that I really like but, for me,
there is nothing like the old hymns. I remember them from Sunday school as a
child but, now that I am a born-again Christian, they mean a lot more to me.

My very favorite hymn is "How Great Thou Art". It was my mother's favorite
hymn as well. Everytime I listen to it, I am struck with awe how great our
God really is. Because I spend so much time alone with nobody but God to
talk to, I sometimes forget the magnitude of His greatness.

Another favorite hymn of mine is "Amazing Grace". I guess the reason, part
of it anyway, that it means so much to me is because I know that, without
God's amazing grace, I would never have lasted this long. Very likely, I
would be dead or, in the very least, insane. But, somehow, don't ask me how,
that grace keeps me going. No matter how many obstacles may come to stand it
my way.

One hymn that I particularly remember from my childhood is "Old Rugged
Cross". Back then, they were just words in a song but., now, those lyrics
mean so much more to me. If it hadn't been for the gruesome death of Jesus
on that cross , we all would be going to hell. And that is a scary thought. At
least for me!

Then there is "What A Friend We Have In Jesus". Jesus is my best friend. One
who is always there when I am lonely and need somebody to talk to. I know
that He is going to work things out in a way that is best for me. I must
admit, though, that I am not crazy about His timing. It seems like I have
been like this FOREVER! I have to keep reminding myself that, in light of
eternity, it is  a mere drop in time.

An old hymn that is often sung by children is "Jesus Loves Me". This really
the crux of the matter for me . Even though I can't fathom the depth of His
love for me, I do understand that love does what will be  best for loved
one. Even when it may cause temporary pain and unhappiness. The thought that
Jesus loves me has carried me through many difficult days.

One hymn that speaks to me is "Standing On The Promises Of God". I have been standing, I facetiously 

say sitting, on the promises of God. The Bible is full of His promises in all areas. Not entirely, but because that is what I need most right now , I primarily focus on the healing promises. I have been reading and studying the healing scriptures so I can be restored to health . Now, though, I am also ingesting the healing scriptures to get rid of the cancer.

The last hymn that I want to mention is "Through It All". Through it all, l have learned to trust in Jesus,. It is so true in my case. Ever since my salvation, I have had to trust God to restore me to health. Since the "complication", there has been nothing the doctors do for me. Add to that cancer that is not being treated and I has to trust God, not just for my healing but also for my very life. It has been good, though. When you have no other option, you learn to trust God!

As I was thinking about hymns to include in this blog, I realized that there are so many old hymns that mean a lot to me. I limited myself to a few so this blog wouldn't be too long. 

Blog Time

Blog Time-I am sitting here with absolutely no idea what to write in this
blog. The Holy Spirit told me it would come as I start writing but, so far,
nothing. But, now, the title Hope In God popped into my mind.

Ever since becoming a Christian, I have had no choice but hope in God. At
the time of my salvation, I was in a really bad state. I couldn't move,
couldn't speak and with no hope of ever recovering. However, along with
salvation, came the certain hope that I would be restored to the health that
I had before the stroke. Perhaps even better. I have clung to that hope
throughout many long, tedious years and many dark, dismal days.

Last March, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That was overwhelming, to
say the least. After getting over the initial emotional outburst, I resolved
to do whatever the doctors suggested, even though I dreaded those nasty
treatments. However, the doctors couldn't seem to decide how to treat the
cancer as it had already been determined that I was not strong enough for
surgery. I believe that all this was orchestrated by God in order that I
would depend solely on Him rather than doctors. Don't get me wrong. I'm not
saying that Christians should not see doctors. All I am saying is that mine
is a unique situation. I was already hoping solely on God for my healing and
the cancer is just part of my total healing. In June, another scan showed
that the cancer had spread. Since then, I have been pretty much left alone.
No more tests and no nasty treatments.

But that suits me just fine. Now I can focus solely on God. I am stuffing
myself full of scriptures. On cancer, healing in general and other topics
such as courage , encouragement, comfort, etc. (Good old Google). At the
moment, I am battling not to give in to symptoms. They haven't been too
severe and I am believing that they are getting better. I have chosen not to
talk about the symptoms for three reasons. First, I think that, if I keep
talking about the symptoms, it won't be long before I start to give in to
them. Secondly, talking about the symptoms, or any other problem, just
glorifies the devil. But I want to glorify God, not him. Thirdly, I find it
rather annoying when other people constantly talk to me about their
ailments. I am determined not to do that to other people.

There are a couple of other ways that I hope in God. One is in salvation. For other friends and relatives but especially my grown-up kids, Donovan and Heidi. Once I even told God that I would even be willing to stay this way if He would save my kids. Of course, bargaining with God never works but I tried it anyway. Perhaps my greatest desire, even more than my healing, is to see Donovan and Heidi walking with the Lord. It may not look too promising right now but I have confident hope in God that it is just a matter of time.

But my greatest hope in God is Heaven. Knowing that what awaits me after this life is over is peace and no more suffering , makes me almost long for death. Almost but not quite. This is the thought that keeps me fighting for life in this world. If I were to die right now, it would be wonderful for me but I would go to Heaven alone. However, if I am healed before I take my last breath, hopefully, plenty of people will be ready to go to Heaven. There is no guarantee that my healing will prompt a lot of people to get saved. But there is a better chance than if I went right away. Hell scares me and I really don't want anybody to go there.

Considering I didn't know what to write about, I ended up writing up quite a bit. I can always count on the Holy Spirit to come up with something. Even if it is not until I start writing. 

Very Hard, Very Easy

  Very Hard, Very Easy-I lead a difficult life. I don't think anybody
would dispute that. However, in some ways which I shall mention later in
this blog, it is relatively easy.

First, I will mention some of really hard stuff in my life. Not being able
to move has not been a whole lot of fun. I first felt the paralysis coming
on in ambulance on the way to Edmonton when I first had the stroke. I was
terrified. I came out of the coma only to discover that my fears had come
true. It is so long ago that I can't remember my initial reaction, though I
imagine that I was pretty upset. However, after years of not being able to
move, I have gotten rather used to it. But, I will mention a few extra
frustrating times for me. One is not being able to raise my hands to the
Lord in church. That is something that I have always wanted to do. Another
really frustrating time for is when there is a power outage. When the power
comes back on, my computer doesn't and I can't reach over and turn it on. A
really hard, frustrating thing is when there is a fly or mosquito hovering
around me and I can't shoo it away.

One of the hardest things, both past and present, is my inability to speak.
It is really hard to be listening to a conversation and would like to put in
my two cents but I can't. I have the speech board but it is so slow that I
don't use it too often unless I need something. Besides, it is often hard to
make people understand what I am trying to say.

Another hard thing was being diagnosed with cancer. I admit that my first
thought was that it is not fair after all I have been through. But I have
come to terms with it and am trusting God to work it out in a way that is
best for me and for His glory. Right now, the hard part is not giving in to
the symptoms.

Since the stoke, everything has been hard on me emotionally. Aside from
health issues, I lost my husband and had to let somebody else bring up my
kids. I lost most of the friends I lost my career. Now, I have been
diagnosed with a deadly disease like cancer. But, praise God, He has helped,
and still is helping me to cope.

A couple of other things that make my life hard is that it is tedious and
lonely. The same thing done at the same time day after day, month after
month,year after year, gets more than a little monotonous . There are
exceptions but they are few and far between. My life is also lonely. Lonely
because I am alone a lot. At least, peoplewise. But I am never truly alone
because God is always with me.Perhaps the loneliest time for me is when I am in a crowd. People are
chit-chatting all around but, because I can't talk, I can't take part in any
of conversations.

I have to admit, though, that in a few ways, my life is very easy. I have no responsibilities. None. Nada. No job to go to, no house to keep or groceries to buy, very few bills to pay or children to raise. Because of no responsibilities, my life is pretty stress free. Tedious and lonely but not a lot of stress. Any stress I may feel is usually brought on by myself.

Carrying it a bit farther, I don't have so many things to distract me from God. For sure, I know that responsibilities can, and often do, distract people from God. But I also know that people can get distracted from God by so called "fun" things. Because I don't have so many "fun" things in my life, I also have less to pull me away from God.

Much as I don't like it, having others do everything for me does make life pretty easy. My meals are all made for me. My room is cleaned everyday. Somebody drives me to church and other places. My finances are taken care of by a friend. My computer tech keeps my computer in tip-top shape and always comes to my rescue as soon as possible. when I have trouble. Though I would much do things for myself, I really appreciate all the people who do things for me.

My conclusion in all this is that, despite all the difficulties in my life, there aspects of my life that are pretty easy. All in God's plan, I am sure. 

Honoring God

 Honoring God-On Saturday, I had written half a blog but I wasn't at all
happy with the way it was turning out. I asked the Lord if I could write
about something else. But I also told Him that, if He wanted me to continue
what I was writing , I would do so. Sunday morning, at church, we sang a song about
giving honor to God. It hit me that I will write about honoring God.

Before I started writing, I looked up the meaning of "honor" in the
dictionary that I have with the Bible program that I have on my computer. It
is an older version. It mentions terms like reverence and veneration but I
was interested to see that it also means "submission to a Supreme Being". I
have decided to look at ways I can honor God in speech, in actions, in
thoughts and in submission.

How can I honor God with speech when I can't speak? Correction. I can't
speak so other people can understand me but God is not human and can easily
understand my gruntings.So when I try to read the Bible out loud, try to
make confessions or try to sing along to praise music, I am giving honor to
God with my speech . When I am talking to people, either with the speech
board or on my computer, I can be honoring God with my speech. Depending, of
course, on what we are talking about. Just like God speaks to us through the
Bible, I can speak to you in these blogs. Mind you, they are more the Holy
Spirit speaking and me writing. But they do honor God. The Holy Spirit
always honors God.

Question # 2. How can my actions honor God when I can't do anything? I admit that it is frustrating when, at church, others are dancing, clapping and/or raising their hands while all I can do is sit there like a lump. However, there are other ways I can honor God with my actions. Just going to church every Sunday honors God. It shows Him that He is more important to me than anything else I could be doing. Primarily, though, it is how I use my computer. I can honor God by reading the Bible before doing anything else. I can honor God by reading the Bible off and on during the evening, not just in my set Bible reading time. I can also honor God with my writing. Quite often in e-mails but most of the time, in these blogs. One thing that I have done for years is, when I am writing to somebody, is put "God bless" at the end. I figure that everyone can use a blessing and, simple as it is, it probably honors God.

I can honor God with my thoughts. I can hide my thoughts from other people but not from God. Because I have so much time to think, I have to concentrate on thinking thoughts that are honoring to God. Things like what I have read in the Bible or heard in a sermon at church. I would like to say that my thoughts are always honoring to God but that would be a lie.

After reading that definition of honor, I realized that I honor God when I submit to His will. A few years ago, quite a few, the Lord told me something. I told Him that I didn't understand. His reply was that He didn't call me to understand but to obey. At that p,oint I told Him "Yes Sir" and did what He asked, whatever it was. Since then, I have had no trouble with submission. If I know for sure that I am hearing from God, I just do it. Whatever it is, I know it will be best for me in the long run.

As I was writing this, I realized that whether or not I honor God is ultimately my choice. It it my choice if I use my speech, such as it is, to honor God, it is my choice if I use my actions, limited as they are , to honor God, it is my choice to think thoughts that honor God and it is my choice whether or not to submit to God. He won't force me to honor Him but it is the smart thing to do!