How l Am Living My Life:Right Now!-I do get topics for my blogs most
unexpectedly, This past Wednesday evening, I was at church and paying
attention to the speaker via video. I wasn't at all thinking about my blog.
Out of the blue, this topic dropped into my mind. I believe that it is kind
of follow up to my last blog. Last week I shared about being thankful for
the "terminal" cancer. And, in some aspects, I truly am. I have
not felt so contented in a long time as I have since I found out that the
cancer had spread and I am beyond medical help.
Having said that that, I also want to reiterate that I will NEVER give up.
God has done miracles for me in the past so there is no reason to think He
won't come through again. As long as there is breath in this body, I will
continue to believe that God will destroy the cancer in my body. AND restore
everything else in my body that needs to be restored.
Right now, I am primarily waiting on God. I read a definition of "waiting on
God" as active trust. I will deal with the trust part first. Right now, I am in
a situation where I trust God or I totally fall apart. But I know that I need
more than just the trust that we sing about at church. At least once a day,
I pray and ask the Lord to give me the trust that I need right now. Too
often we hear the word "trust" and we think of it as a passive word. You
know, we do nothing and wait for God to come through for us. However, the
word "active" tells me that I need to do all that I know to do and then
trust God to do what only He can do.
So here is what I am doing. I am stuffing myself with Bible verses for
cancer patients. I look them up on Google and read them. No matter how many
times I read each scripture, they encourage me in my hope. The more I read
them, the more I seem to want to read them. Quite often now, if I am
watching tv, I will stop to read a few scriptures. It helps to keep
discouragement at bay. While looking up scriptures, I sometimes come across
testimonies. I often take time to read them as I find they help to build up
my faith and hope.
I have also collected some aggressive prayers and confessions. You know,the
kind that commands cancer to come out of my body in the name of Jesus. Along
those lines. One command is for the poison to come out of my mouth and nose
(weird, eh?). So, every time I cough up or I get a runny nose, I think it is a bit of cancer coming out my body. Whether or not it is true is not the point. The point is I will do anything to keep myself from getting discouraged.
In the afternoon, when I am resting in bed, it is a bit more difficult as I can't use my computer. I like to listen to Christian music and use it to help me to praise God. There are times, though, that I can feel myself starting to get agitated. Then I think about the positive things that God has said or done for me in the past. Or I quote to myself all the scriptures that I am standing on to get through this.
I think one thing that is helping most is making a conscious effort to stay in the moment and refusing to think about tomorrow or beyond that. Every so often, though, my mind starts to wander that way and I have to yank it back to the present.
Aside from that, I am just carrying on with my daily routine. My normal Bible reading, including a few devotionals; I write e-mails; I write this weekly blog; I read, and in the evenings, I watch tv.
So, basically, I am waiting. I am not too sure what I am waiting for but I know it will be GOOD!
*** please continue to pray for me.
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