How I am Living My Life: Right Now!

How l Am Living My Life:Right Now!-I do get topics for my blogs most
unexpectedly, This past Wednesday  evening, I was at church and paying
attention to the speaker via video. I wasn't at all thinking about my blog.
Out of the blue, this topic dropped into my mind. I believe that it is kind
of follow up to my last blog. Last week I shared about being thankful for
the "terminal" cancer. And, in some aspects, I truly am. I have
not felt so contented in a long time as I have since I found out that the
cancer had spread and I am beyond medical help.

Having said that that, I also want to reiterate that I will NEVER give up.
God has done miracles for me in the past so there is no reason to think He
won't come through again. As long as there is breath in this body, I will
continue to believe that God will destroy the cancer in my body. AND restore
everything else in my body that needs to be restored.

Right now, I am primarily waiting on God. I read a definition of "waiting on
God" as active trust. I will deal with the trust part first. Right now, I am in
a situation where I trust God or I totally fall apart. But I know that I need
more than just the trust that we sing about at church. At least once a day,
I pray and ask the Lord to give me the trust that I need right now. Too
often we hear the word "trust" and we think of it as a passive word. You
know, we do nothing and wait for God to come through for us. However, the
word "active" tells me that I need to do all that I know to do and then
trust God to do what only He can do.

So here is what I am doing. I am stuffing myself with Bible verses for
cancer patients. I look them up on Google and read them. No matter how many
times I read each scripture, they encourage me in my hope. The more I read
them, the more I seem to want to read them. Quite often now, if I am
watching tv, I will stop to read a few scriptures. It helps to keep
discouragement at bay. While looking up scriptures, I sometimes come across
testimonies. I often take time to read them as I find they help to build up
my faith and hope.

I have also collected some aggressive prayers and confessions. You know,the
kind that commands cancer to come out of my body in the name of Jesus. Along
those lines. One command is for the poison to come out of my mouth and nose
(weird, eh?). So, every time I cough up or I get a runny nose, I think it is a bit of cancer coming out my body. Whether or not it is true is not the point. The point is I will do anything to keep myself from getting discouraged.

In the afternoon, when I am resting in bed, it is a bit more difficult as I can't use my computer. I like to listen to Christian music and use it to help me to praise God. There are times, though, that I can feel myself starting to get agitated. Then I think about the positive things that God has said or done for me in the past. Or I quote to myself all the scriptures that I am standing on to get through this.

I think one thing that is helping most is making a conscious effort to stay in the moment and refusing to think about tomorrow or beyond that. Every so often, though, my mind starts to wander that way and I have to yank it back to the present.

Aside from that, I am just carrying on with my daily routine. My normal Bible reading, including a few devotionals; I write e-mails; I write this weekly blog; I read, and in the evenings, I watch tv.

So, basically, I am waiting. I am not too sure what I am waiting for but I know it will be GOOD!

*** please continue to pray for me. 

Thank You Lord, For Terminal Cancer

Thank You,  Lord , For Terminal Cancer-I always start my blog on Saturday and finish it
on Tuesday. This past Saturday morning, I fully intended to write about
something else. But, while I was waiting for the nurses to get me up, this
title crossed my mind. It came as quite a shock. However, upon thinking on
it, I realized it is true. But not the initial diagnosis of cancer. As long
as there was potential that doctors could help me, I was rather antsy,
waiting for them to do something. I know that cancer is not something to
dilly-dally with. Now, though, that I know that the cancer has spread and, I
assume, I am beyond medical help, I am more relaxed. For this blog, I will
use term "terminal cancer" even though, up to this point, nobody has said it
to me and I know it is a medical term, not a God term.

I thank God for terminal cancer because it has made me closer to God and His
word (the Bible) than I ever have been before . Because of all the time I
have had to spend alone with God, I always felt like I was pretty close to
God. And I have been. But, since the verdict of terminal cancer, it has been
different. At first, I clung to the Lord out of sheer desperation. Everytime
fear and panic tried to come in, I would turn to the Bible to settle me
down. If I was using my computer, I would look up on Google bible verses for
cancer patients which always encouraged me. If I was in bed and couldn't use
my computer, I would rehearse scriptures that I am standing on. At times,
all I would do is praise God. It is hard to be fearful and despairing and
praising God at the same time. Now, though, it is different. Fear and panic
still try to come but not as often. My life is in God's hands and whatever
happens will be the best thing for me. My hunger level for God is still way
up there, though.

I thank God for terminal cancer because it has taught me to really live one
day at a time. If I let myself think about what may happen in the future, I
just get discouraged and depressed. This truth about not worrying about
tomorrow really hit home to me one afternoon. I was listening to a song
which says, "Pray about everything. Don't worry about tomorrow". I have
listened to that song many times but, that afternoon, it just really hit me.
Not to ever think about what might happen tomorrow or farther down the line
and that is what I am trying to do.

I thank God for terminal cancer because it has given me an eternal
perspective. Up to the cancer, especially the terminal cancer, my focus was
primarily on getting healed in my lifetime. Now, even though I know I will
be healed, I also know that it could be during my lifetime or it might not
come until I get to Heaven. I have learned to be content with either. I have
come to understand that, no matter what we go through,it pales in the light
of eternity.

I thank God for terminal cancer because I find church more exciting to go to. I
have always enjoyed church, don't get me wrong, but over the years, going
to church had become pretty routine. Something I did on Sunday. However, I
find that I am more excited about going to church now. Part of it, I am
sure, is that while I am at church, I am not tempted to think about things
that I don't want to be thinking about. But I find that now, I am excited to get to
praise God with lots of other people.

I thank God for terminal cancer because of the peace it has given me. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I felt anything BUT peace. However, once I read the report that the cancer has spread, I felt more at peace. It was somehow comforting to know that my life is out of the hands of doctors, humans, and in the hands of God. For the most part, I am at peace about it but it is a peace that I have to contend for. Quite often, fear and discouragement try to come in and I have to get my peace back. Whether it is reading encouraging Bible verses or meditating on what God has said or listening to praise music.

I thank God for terminal cancer because I feel more thankful for little things. I am not sure how somebody with cancer at the stage I am at should be feeling but I thank God each day for another day of feeling quite well. I am also thankful for all the things that distract me from things I don't want to be thinking about. Things like grandkids (no better distraction), various outings or visitors, either to talk or read.

I know. All I seem to write about is the cancer. Unfortunately, that is the big reality in my life right now. Aside from God, that is. I honestly never write anything in these blogs that I don't truly believe. It is just that sometimes my emotions get in the way. However, emotions are just emotions. They come and go. Anyway, after years of feeling like I was going around in circles with nothing happening, at least now something is happening. 

Joy

Joy-Of and on all week I felt to write about joy. But, considering I have
been paralyzed and unable to speak for over 30 years and now have cancer as
well, there doesn't seem to be a lot of joy in my life. Actually, though, it
is probably more like I don't have a lot of happiness in my life right now.
Happiness depends on circumstances, and mine are pretty bad, but joy depends
on Jesus. I have a lot of Jesus so I must have a lot of joy as well.

One way that I always have joy is in my eternal salvation. After 30+ of
being a born-again Christian, I am still in awe that there really is a God
and that, after life on earth is over, I will be going to Heaven to live
with Jesus FOREVER. I don't know what to expect in Heaven. I just know that
it will be wonderfully, incredibly good. It puts in perspective all the
suffering, past and present, of mine. What is 30 years compared to eternity?

Another thing that gives me joy is knowing that the Lord is always with me.
I lead a pretty lonely life so it gives me joy to know that the Lord is
always with me even when people aren't. At times, my emotions get out of
hand and I know that other people wouldn't want to be around me. In fact, I
would rather not be around myself except I can't get away from myself! It is
such a joy and comfort to know that the Lord will be with me, no matter how
I feel or what I have to go through.

One thing that always brings me joy is reading the Bible or word of God. No
matter how I feel in the morning, when I start reading the Bible, which is
the first thing I do once I get on my computer, I always feel more joyful. I
love the Bible and during the day, when I start to feel agitated, I will
stop what I am doing and start reading the Bible. Lately, I have been
looking up scriptures on Google on different topics.

I get joy in knowing that the Lord is always a refuge for me. Many times, I don't know which way to turn. When I am at my wits end, it is a joy to know that I can run to the Lord for comfort and hope. That is the key. When I am upset, run to God, not away from Him. When I am having a meltdown, that is not always easy to do.

Finally, I can have joy in the fact that my joy in the Lord is permanent. Happiness comes and goes but my joy is always there. I don't always feel it but it is there somewhere.

The night before I started to write this, my head fell off the pillow, causing pain and discomfort. While I waited for a nurse to help me, because I was planning to write on joy, I decided to see what joy I had in a definitely not happy situation. First of all, I could have joy because I knew that I wasn't alone in that predicament. It would have been nice if Jesus had picked up my head and put it back on the pillow ! Still, the company was nice. Most importantly, I can always have joy in the fact that I am going to Heaven, no matter how bad the circumstances.

Bottom line. I don't have a whole lot of happy in my life right now but I always have joy-whether I feel it or not. 

I Will NEVER Give Up!

I Will NEVER Give Up-Looking back over the years since t stroke, I see that
there have been plenty of times when I would probably have given up had it
not been for my stubborn streak. That stubborn streak has made me determined
to stick it out, no matter how bad it gets. I believe God put that stubborn
streak in me because He knew that, eventually, I was going to need a LOT of
determination. I wish I always used it the right way!

When I first had the stroke, giving up never occurred to me. I was still
young and had a lot of living to do. It was a shock to find myself unable to
walk or talk but I was determined to work hard to recover as quickly as
possible. The rehab and speech therapy were not a lot of fun. But I plugged
away at it.

That is until things didn't go as planned. I still don't really know what
happened. All I know is that I had pneumonia and while I was recovering, I
ended up in my present condition with no hope of any improvement whatsoever.
That year or so was the worst year of my life. I would have given anything
to be able to give up and terminate my life. Fortunately, I didn't know how.
That period of time was the only time during my long ordeal that I have
truly wanted to give up.

Then came salvation. Glorious salvation! All of a sudden I wanted to live again. The first while of my salvation I was too excited to even think about giving up. However, as the months turned to years, many years, and I just seemed to go round and round without getting anywhere, I admit that, every so often, the thought would come to me that this is too hard and I am not doing this anymore. At times, the one thing that kept me from quitting is my fear of hell and my fear of doing anything that might make me go there.

Now, I am facing the most difficult "challenge" of my life. At least, since I have been saved. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I did think of giving up. It has been long, hard ordeal and I am just plain tired. It was so tempting to do nothing and let nature run her course. But I knew I had to keep fighting so, like it or not, I was prepared to go through whatever cancer treatments the doctors prescribed.

However, after waiting and waiting, a report came back that the cancer has spread. It pretty much boils down to either I get a miracle from God or... But I have never felt less like giving up. I know God can do anything and He can remove this cancer from my my body anytime. I am doing all I know to do by speaking confessions to kick the cancer out of my body and by reading scripture verses for cancer patients. Aside from that, all I can do is be still and trust God to to do what He thinks best. At times fear and panic try to overtake me. Then I turn to the scriptures that I am standing on to get me through this situation. I find that I am turning to God even more now. But, for the most part, I am at peace because I know that God is in control, no matter what happens.

I am not sure what the point of this blog is. Maybe it is to let people know that I am not giving up, no matter what doctors say, and to encourage others to do the same. Remember that it is not over until it is over.