A Cheery Aspect

A "Cheery" Aspect-The thought came to my mind that, recently, my blogs,
though totally realistic, have not been very "cheery". But, then, there is
not a whole lot of "cheery" going on in my life right now. However, there
are bits and pieces and moments of "cheery".

No matter what brings it on, laughing always makes me feel "cheery". It is
pretty hard to laugh and be depressed at the same time. Different things
make me laugh. When I laugh, quite often it is with the nurses, many times
over some trivial incident. But laughing brightens up my day. I am sure it
does for the nurses as well as they have a hard job in a place that hasn't a
whole lot of "cheery" in it. I also laugh at church. Sometimes, the pastor
or some other speaker comes out with something that makes the whole church,
including me, laugh. Then there are other people who make me laugh. I have
one friend who, even when I am crying, will say something so stupid that I
just have to laugh. Perhaps, though,the people that I laugh most around are
my sweet little grandkids. I love the innocent things they say and do. One
thing that can always make me laugh is hearing a baby laugh. Their laughs
are so hearty.

Another thing that  adds a bit of "cheery" to the monotony of my life are
surprises. Good ones, of course. I have had plenty of the other kind.
Sometimes it is as simple as a nurse, or somebody else, bringing me a little
treat such as a Tim Horton's coffee or home baking, etc. I am always cheered
up by visitors of any kind but, especially, surprise visitors or ones that I
don't see often. Last year, I had a surprise visit from my ex-husband's
brother and his wife. They live in Ontario but were in western Canada so
they made a special trip to Cold Lake to see me. That certainly was a
"cheery" surprise. I also had several visits from a couple of ladies who
were friends of mine in university. Obviously OLD friends! The same is true
of e-mails. Getting a surprise e-mail (as long as it is a good one) adds a
bit of "cheery" to my life.

Speaking of e-mails, receiving e-mails can really boost up my spirits. Quite
a number of the e-mails that I receive are devotionals that I enjoy reading.
However, what really adds "cheery" are personal e-mails,. Especially from my
kids.

One major source of "cheery" in my life are my grandchildren.  I don't see
my real grandson in person very often. However, I look forward to skype
visits and watching the little imp. But I do get to see my "adopted"
grandchildren often and, invariably, their sunny smiles brings lots of
"cheery" into my day. No matter how bleak and dismal it may seem. They often
make me laugh which, as I mentioned earlier, brings "cheery" into my life.

One last occurrence that brings a glimpse of "cheery" into my day-to-day
existence can be my thoughts. A lot of my thought life seems to be a
struggle to keep my thoughts focused on God and His promises rather than on
all the negative circumstances. Occasionally, though, my thoughts drift onto
something that brings some "cheery" into my day. One is when I start
thinking about Heaven. Just thinking about being with Jesus and with no more
pain and suffering has to make me happy. Trouble is, I don't have those
thoughts often enough. Other times, my thoughts drift onto pleasant
memories. Perhaps, from my childhood, when my kids were little, my
university days, etc.

I don't have much happy in my life at present but I also have to admit that,
for all of us, we can always find something positive in any situation if we
try hard enough. A lot of times, I am probably guilty of not looking past my
negative circumstances to see the good things in my life. 

Keys to Survival

  Keys To Survival-My life is not easy. That goes without saying. However,
over the long, difficult years, God has given me certain keys to help me to
survive this ordeal. And, when it is finally over, I know that I come forth
a much better person for this trial.

The one key that may be most helping me to survive is my determination or,
if you like, stubbornness. I like to think that God put this determination
in me because He knew that I was going to need it. Many times, the thought
comes to me that this is too hard and to give up. But there is something in
me that just won't let me quit. In fact,the more frequently those thoughts come
the more determined I am not to give in to them. Besides, I often have this
thought. If I give up, how would my life be any better? I would still be
unable to move or talk, have symptoms of cancer and without the hope I now
have.

Having established that my determination has played a big part in my still
being in the game, God has given me some things, or keys, to aid me in my
battle. The first, and most important, is the Bible, or Word of God. When I
am feeling desperate and with nobody to turn to I turn to the Bible. It
encourages me to hold on as it gives me strength and courage to face what I
have to face everyday and hope, both for healing in this life and for my
final destination in Heaven.  I doubt I would still be here without the
Bible.

Another important key that God has given to me is prayer. Of course, there
are times of formal prayer. At church or before I go to sleep at night. To
be honest, though, most of my prayer is, in my mind simply talking to God
as if He were standing right beside me. Sometimes, it is simply to praise
Him for how good He is all the time. Both good and bad times. At other
times, though, I catch myself complaining to Him. At times like that, I am
always thankful that His shoulders are broad enough to take it. It has
become such a habit for me to talk to God in my mind that I sometimes catch
myself talking to Him at church or on some other outing. Without the outlet
of talking to God whenever I want, I not sure I could have lasted all these
years.

One other key that I consider vital to my survival is the presence of the
Holy Spirit. I depend on Him for EVERYTHING. Almost every day, before I get
up, I ask the Holy Spirit to get me through the day and He always
does-somehow. Times when I am crying and upset, I often feel the presence of
the Holy Spirit most. When other people can't calm me down, His presence
usually can. When I want to remember something, I tell the Holy Spirit to
remind me and He always does. And so on and so on.

Church. I suppose that if I had to, I could survive without church. As long as I still had the Bible, Holy Spirit and could still pray. However, church is very, very important to me. It is a break from the dismal atmosphere in Long-term Care to be in an atmosphere where everyone is praising God. Plus, I truly believe that, through the pastor, God may speak something that I need to hear. For that reason, I never have to.

Another thing that is a key to my survival is my music. Like church, probably not vital but very, very important. I keep mentioning my music but it really does help me to cope. Primarily, by keeping my focus on God more than on my depressing circumstances. And the music keeps the dismal atmosphere of Long-term Care out of my room.

A final key to my sticking with it are visitors and outings. I know that I could live without them but they do make my tedious, day-to-day life a lot more pleasant. One reason that I value them so much is that, for a little while, they take my mind of the difficult circumstances I am bombarded with everyday.

These are some important keys to me "hanging in there". However, the most important, and vital key, is simply God and His will. I know I am in this situation because it is the will of God for me right now. God will keep me in it as long as I continue to trust Him. 

Disappointments

Disappointments-During this seemingly endless journey that I am on, I have
met with plenty of disappointments along the way. Not that disappointments
are unique to my situation. In this life, most, if not all, of us are going
have to face disappointments of one kind or another.

My initial disappointment after my salvation was not being healed right
away. At the time of my dramatic salvation, I was totally convinced that I
would be restored to perfect health. However, being a brand new Christian,
I believed that it would happen any day. Perhaps any minute. But as time went
on and nothing changed, I was disappointed. It didn't deter me, though.
After so many years my hope in supernatural healing is just as strong. It
may have wavered a tiny bit with the cancer diagnosis but not for long. If
anything, the cancer has made me cling even more to God and His promises.

Over the years, disappointments have come and gone, most of which I have
forgotten. But there is one disappointment that stands out in my mind. It
was perhaps in the early 1990s. Our church had a missions trip to Mexico
planned. I really thought the Lord told me that I would be going. So I
bought a lot of things and got ready to go. I was so disappointed when my
healing didn't materialize. Now I understand that I hadn't been hearing from
God at all. Since then, my faith, though just as strong, seems to have lost
some of its childlike, "believe anything" quality.

I can think of three ways that I have been disappointed. In God, in other
people and in myself. I admit that I have been disappointed in God. Not so
much lately but earlier in my Christian walk. I had this preconceived idea
that He would manifest my healing in the way I wanted at the time I wanted.
And, when it didn't happen , I was so disappointed. Now, though, I
understand that God doesn't work in the same way as humans do. He always
keeps His promises but it probably won't be in the time we want or ways that
we expect. It has finally gotten through to me that God is calling the shots
and my part is simply to believe that this will all turn out in a way that
is best for me. Plus, of course, to continue to read the Bible , pray and never,
ever give up!

I confess that I have been disappointed in other people. When I first came
to my church, I assumed that people would be practically falling over
themselves wanting to spend time with me and get to know me. When it didn't
happen, I was hurt and disappointed. However, as the years have passed by I
have come to understand some things that helped to dissipate the
disappointment . First of all, I have often thought about what I would do if
somebody else were in my situation and I was in good health. In all
honesty.I doubt that I would be spending much time with that person
Secondly, I have come to understand that people have jobs and other
commitments that prevent people from spending time with me. Mostly, though,
I have come to understand that I need to spend time alone with God. No
matter how spiritual a person is., conversation with that person can never
replace fellowship with God. Instead of being disappointed because more
people don't spend time with me, I am trying to be thankful for those that
do.

As much as anything, I have been disappointed in myself. At times I still
am. When I was first saved, like all new Christians, I was bubbly and full of
joy. I didn't know much but I sure was happy. But, as the years rolled by
with no apparent change in my circumstances, I lost a lot of my outer joy. I
have become tired, irritable, impatient and, at times, angry. Not at all the
way a Christian should be acting. And, when I don't act the way I think, as
a Christian, I should act, I get disappointed with myself.

As I was thinking about disappointments in my life, I realized that I often
sat myself up for disappointments simply because of unrealistic
expectations. When I first became a born-again Christian, I thought of God
as kind of a sugar daddy in the sky who would give me what I want when I
want it. Of course, that unrealistic expectation lead to disappointment. And
I have had totally unrealistic expectations of other Christians. I have
expected them to meet needs of mine that only God can meet. But I have also
probablyhave had unrealistic expectations of myself. I expect myself to always be
happy and upbeat. But, considering that I have been unable to walk or talk
and in a hospital for 34 years plus, now, I am trying to stand against
cancer, perhaps that is an unrealistic expectation.

No matter how the disappointment comes, I think it is important that we
don't dwell on it. Rather, shrug it off and just keep on keeping on! 

Keeping Calm

Keeping Calm-Because I started to write this blog on Canada Day, I was
toying with the idea of writing about the ways that I am thankful to God for
putting me in a wonderful country like Canada. However, I kept it open and
told the Holy Spirit that, if He wanted me to write about something else,
just to let me. The day before Canada Day, the word "calm" popped into my
mind. I just knew I would write about keeping calm. Recently, I have been
working on ways of keeping myself calm in situations which, in the past,
would have caused me to be frustrated, agitated and/or irritated.

The primary way I keep myself calm is by praying in tongues. I use this
mostly, though not always, times that I can't use my computer. A lot of
times, when I am being gotten up or put to bed, I start to feel irritable.
Rather than letting my irritation show, I am trying to pray in tongues in
mind more often. When I am resting in bed in the afternoon is a time when I
often find I find myself getting agitated. At times like that, I am making
more of a conscious effort to pray to myself in tongues.

When I am up and able to use my computer, the main way I calm myself down is
by reading the Bible. If I am feeling irritable and restless, I especially
like to read scriptures on calmness, peace, being still. Stuff like that.
Other ways that I use my computer to calm myself down is writing (especially
these blogs) and my times of "entertainment". Sometimes , when I am feeling
bummed out,I can best calm myself down by losing myself in a good book or by
watching an exciting sporting event or interesting documentary. Just for a
little while.

Another thing that promotes calmness in my everyday life is my music. I have some peaceful, relaxing, tranquil music but I also have some upbeat music. I find that listening to either helps to calm me done when I am feeling irritable and agitated simply because it gets my focus back on God where it should be. Even when I am listening to classical or other instrumental, I am calmer because, in my mind, I am either praising the Lord or praying in tongues along with the tune.

Anything that distracts me from my own thoughts calms me down when I am feeling irritable and agitated or keeps me from getting that way. Visitors are a big help to keeping me calm. They talk about things other than the circumstances I face. Being read to is another thing that keeps me calm. Nothing takes my mind off my problems as much as a good book. Either being read to or doing my own reading on my computer. Outings of any kind are a calm promoter. To church, of course, but also other places.the atmosphere is different from that faces me everyday.

Whenever I start to feel frustrated, agitated, irritable and/or restless, I know that it is time for a thought check. More times than not, it is because I have allowed my thoughts to drift onto negative things. At that point, it is up to me to make a CONSCIOUS effort to pull my thoughts back on things pertaining to God. So, you see, staying calm doesn't happen automatically. I can't say I have it mastered, far from it, but, with God's help, I am working on it. 

Things That Can't Be Shaken

Things That Can't Be Shaken-I had absolutely no idea what to write in this
blog until one morning when I was reading a devotional by Charles Spurgeon
about things that cannot be shaken or lost. I often think that I am missing
out on so much in this life because there are so many things that I am not
able to do. However, when I thought about it, I realized that the key phrase
is "in this world". All those things, while enjoyable, are just temporary
and can and will be, shaken. What I do have, though, are things that will
last forever. In this blog, I will mention some things in my life that can't
be shaken. They are permanent and will last forever. The first three are
ones that Spurgeon mentioned in his devotional. Then I will add some on my
own.

The most important thing in my lifetime that can't be shaken is my salvation
or being born-again. Since my dramatic salvation so many years ago and
through all the trials and tribulations that I have had to face over the
long years, I have never doubted that wonderful salvation. Once or twice
since the cancer diagnosis the thought has come to that maybe none of it is
true. But I never entertain that thought because I know it is true. After so
many years and after all that I have been through, I am still in awe that
there really is  a God and, because of His salvation through Jesus, I have a
glorious future.

Another thing in my life that can't be shaken is the fact that I am God's
child. The moment that I received my salvation, I became a child of God. It
comforts me to know that, even when I need to be corrected, I am still very
much God's child. And, just like any human father, He is going to take care
of me. Think about it. Human children don't worry about their needs being
met. They just know that their daddy will take care of them. Also, they
don't dictate to their father how or when to meet their needs. As God's
children, perhaps we (I) could learn from human children.

The third thing that Spurgeon mentioned that can't be shaken is the love
that Jesus has for us (me). I admit that I can't fathom the depth of that
love. But I do understand that it is not something that I can earn, that it
is unconditional and that it goes on forever . Even when I have lost
everything, even life itself, I know that I will still have the love of Jesus.
At times, when my emotions are running wild, I complain, falsely, that
nobody loves me. But I never accuse Jesus of not loving me. I believe the
Bible and the Bible tells me differently. Usually, I end up thanking Jesus for
loving me throughout my "meltdown".

Something else that can't be taken away from me is Heaven. When I became
born-again, my future destiny changed from hell to Heaven. Granted, I don't
have a concrete knowledge of what Heaven will be like but I do know this. No
matter what "hell" that I go through in this life, it pales compared to the
glory that awaits me in Heaven. When I keep that in mind, it is much easier
to face what I have to face everyday.

My righteousness, or right standing with God, cannot be shaken. It was given to me at the time of my salvation. There are plenty of times when I don't feel, or act, righteous but, in God's eyes, that is what I am. Not because of how I feel or act but because of my faith in what Jesus did at the cross.

One last thing that I in have my life that can't be shaken, or lost, is the faithfulness of God. There are some faithful people in this world but they are just people. Sooner or later, they are probably going to let me down. Even if it is not on purpose. But God will never let me down. What He does may not be in the way and time I would like but I know that it will in the way and time that is best for me. God is faithful to me right now in what I am facing and He will still be faithful to me when I die and go to live with Him in Heaven.

I could probably think of other things in my life that can't be shaken but you get the jist. The jist is this. What other people have and can do that are not part of my life right now are just temporary and will eventually pass away. However, the things that are part of my life are permanent and will last forever.

Qualities I Need

Qualities I Need-This blog is the product of another sleepless night. As I
was lying there, my mind drifted unto some of the character qualities that I
need right now.

I need a sense of contentment. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I
felt anything but contented. More like panic mode! However, after I was told
that they were not going to treat the cancer, a sense of contentment settled
over me. God and God alone is going to determine the outcome of my life
and I was content to leave everything in His hands. Lately though, I feel
like my contentment has slipped a bit. Mostly, I think, because it seems
like it has been so long with no positive change in my circumstances. I want
that sense of contentment back but I also know that I can't work it up on my
own.

Right now, I am working on staying calm. Every little thing seems to
irritate, agitate or upset me. So, when something or somebody is starting
to bother me, I make a conscious effort to tell myself to stay calm. Often,
I start praying in tongues in my mind. Because I am not communicating, the
nurses  may think that I am grumpy. That may be true but it also
may be that I am praying in tongues so I don't become grumpy! Can't say it
works all the time but, I figure, some of the time is better than not at all.

I need patience. I am in a situation where I have had no choice but to learn
to be patient. As any born-again Christian knows, after God makes a promise,
there is usually a waiting period. I suspect that God watches to see if we
are willing to wait with patience or become impatient when it doesn't happen
as soon as we want. Living in Long-term Care is also teaching me to be
patient. With 30  other people and minimal staff, somebody always has to
wait for something.

I need to have mega trust in God. I have always needed to trust in God
because no doctor is going to make me walk and talk again. Even more so
after being diagnosed with cancer 

that isn't being treated. Most days, I
pray and ask God to help me to trust Him the way I need to right now.

I need and have hope that I will be restored to perfect health. In this life
and not just when I go to Heaven. That hope has gotten me through a lot of
long, difficult years. I admit that, after the cancer diagnosis, my hope was
shaken a bit but I am ok now. Back to trusting that I will be restored to
perfect health in my lifetime here on earth. I just don't know the when or the
how.

I need courage. Intestinal fortitude. Guts. Whatever you want to call it.
The circumstances that I face everyday are not easy and the last thing I can
be is a wimp. If I was, I never would have lasted this long. From time to
time, though, my courage needs to be fortified. I do this primarily by
looking up and reading scriptures on courage.

Somewhat similar is I need strength. Definitely not physical strength as I
don't have much of that. But,thanks to the Holy Spirit, what I do have is
mental strength. I have to or I would have caved in long ago and,
especially, since I was diagnosed with cancer. I know that the Holy Spirit
is the source of any strength that I have. I maintain that strength by
fellowshipping with the Lord and constantly reading His promises in the
Bible.

I need determination. Determination not to give up no matter how bad it gets. Right now, I at thankful for my stubborn streak. It keeps me going when everything is screaming at me that it is too hard and to give up. Years ago, when repenting for my stubborn streak, the Lord told me that a stubborn streak is not necessarily wrong. It depends how it is used. Unfortunately, I don't always use it in a good way.

I need endurance. I have learned, the hard way, that this is no short-term deal. When I first got saved, I figured that, in a matter of days, I would be the same as before. HA! I now know that I am in a marathon, not a sprint. Like any marathon runner, I need endurance to reach the finish line.

I need the ability to encourage myself. I do value all the encouragement that I get from other people. However, I also know that there are plenty of times when I feel like I need some encouraging but there is nobody around. Times like this, I am tempted to e-mail somebody and gripe to that person. Usually, though, I don't have the energy to write out an e-mail so I do my best to encourage myself. I primarily do this by reading encouraging parts of the Bible. Once I get God's positive thoughts, I forget my own discouraging thoughts.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, I need to maintain a praising, thankful heart. I have found that it is impossible to be depressed and praising God at the same time. When I start to feel depressed, if I have the sense to start to praise God, I always feel better. Sometimes it is hard to think of things to be thankful for but I can always come up with something. At least, I can thankful that I am not going to hell! I certainly don't have a praising, thankful heart all the time but I do try to not let myself go without one for too long.

These are some of the character qualities that I need right now. However, I know that I can't work them up my my own. The Holy Spirit has to give them. That is why, most mornings, I pray that them Holy Spirit will help me get through the day. He always does-somehow! 

Things I value Right Now

Things I Value Right Now-I got the idea for this blog one sleepless night. I
was lying there and thinking about the things that I value, or are important
to me, right now. In the condition that I am in at the present moment. Of
course, what I value most is my relationship with God and all the spiritual
activities that accompany it. Like reading the Bible, going to church, etc.
However, during that seemingly endless night, my thoughts wandered to other
things that are important to me at the present.

By far, the most valuable thing in my life right now is my computer. Not
liking change, I had to be talked into getting a computer, but now I am lost
without it. Except when I am in bed or go out, I am almost always using my
computer. It is my Bible (lots of difficult versions); it is my devotionals
(I read 4-5 most days); I use it for any writing I do (e-mails, letters and
these blogs); if visitors are not comfortable with my speech board, we use
the computer to communicate (provided that I am not in bed); and it is also my
source of entertainment (either to watch tv or read a good book).

One thing that I very much value is a good night's sleep. It doesn't happen
as often as I would like but, when it does, I feel so much better and more
able to face another long day. I also value sleep because it is a good way
to forget all of my negative circumstances. At least for a little while.
Once in awhile, I wish I that I could go into a coma until all this is over
so I wouldn't feel everything. Most of the time, though, I am glad to be
alert with a sharp mind.

One thing that means a lot to me is anything that distracts me from my own
thoughts. It seems like I am always in a battle to keep my thoughts in the
right place. Even more so now that I am determined not to give in to the
symptoms of cancer. One thing that always distracts me from my own thoughts
is  getting visitors. Sometimes it is just to chat. Listening to what is
going on in their lives helps take my mind off of my not-so-nice
circumstances. Other people just read to me. A good book works wonder in
helping me to forget things for awhile. My favorite visitors are my
"adopted" grandkids. Watching them play or having them climb all over me is
an easy way for me to forget my troubles. At least until they leave!

Another really good distraction from my thoughts is anytime that I have an
opportunity to chat with the nurses. They are really busy all the time and
my speech board is time-consuming so it doesn't happen all the time. Plus, I
admit, there are times I don't feel like talking. But, when it does happen
and whether we are joking around or having a serious discussion, it takes my
mind off of everything for the time being.

Going out always takes my mind off of me and my situation. Whether it is as
simple as a walk or a specific destination, it gives me a different
perspective. Different places and people to see. And, when I go out,I can't
go alone so there are people to talk to. To be honest, I seldom even think about
my circumstances when I am out and distracted by other things.

My times of "entertainment" also help to divert my attention. When I am
watching a good sporting event on tv, I get so engrossed that I forget
everything else for awhile. It is the same when I read. I have always been
an avid reader and could easily lose myself in a good book. Nothing has changed. Except now I do my reading on my computer instead of in a book. I just have to be sure that the "entertainment" times don't interfere with my "spiritual" times.

The final thing that gives me respite from my thoughts is simply by going to sleep. That is why I value sleep so much. While I am sleeping,  I don't have to listen to my thoughts racing round and round.

There! That is some things that are important to me in my day-to-day life. Nothing, though, is as important to me as God and time I spend with Him.