Pros and Cons

Cons And Pros-Obviously, there are plenty of things in my life that I would
classify as definite "cons" but there also some aspects of my life that
really some "pros" in my life. Which I will talk about later but, first, I
would like to discuss some of the "cons" in my present life.

The main "con" in my life are the health issues. Not being able to move or
speak for so long has been really hard and frustrating for me. Now, I have
cancer to deal with on top of everything else. Cancer is a scary word, even
for somebody in my condition. I don't believe I will die from it but, if I
do, I am not afraid to die. I am a born-again Christian so why should I be?
What I am kind of afraid is the suffering I MIGHT have to deal with
before I am rid of the cancer. But that is when my mind starts thinking more
than one day at a time.

I lead a tedious, boring life. I am extremely grateful for my computer which
enables me to read the Bible and to communicate with others. However, the
same thing day after day can get pretty monotonous. Times when my computer
is down, thankfully not often, I am really bored and feeling helpless as
there is virtually nothing I can do without that computer.

Another "con" in my life is loneliness. For two reasons. First, I am lonely
because I am alone most of the time. I don't get a huge amount of visitors
and even the nurses are too busy to spend much time with me. So I spend most
the time alone in my room, puttering on my computer. That suits me just
fine. At least, most of the time. Just once in awhile does the lack of
people in my life overwhelm me. The second source of loneliness for me is my
inability to speak. There is nothing more lonely than to hear conversations
all around me and not be able to take part. For that reason, I generally
prefer to be alone or in the company of one other person. However, I never
feel lonely for too long because I know that Jesus is always with me and I
can commune with him anytime I want.

That is enough about the "cons" in my life. I have to admit, though, that
there are some "pros" or advantages. The main one is having Jesus as my Lord
and Savior. That is better than all the bad in my life. With Him and His
constant presence in my life, I can endure anything.

A second "pro" in my life that I don't have as many other things in my life as other people do that distract me from God. Things like jobs, families, etc. Instead, I can just get up and start reading the Bible and spending time with God. I suppose, though, my computer could become a distraction if I let it. But I discipline myself to do my Bible reading before I do anything else. Ultimately, I guess that, no matter how many distractions we have, it is our personal responsibility to put God first.

Also, all the time that I have is a "pro" in my life. I can spend as much time as I want with God simply because I don't have all the commitments that other people do. On the other hand, all the time that I have is a major "con" in my life. I have so many long hours in a day that I am always trying fill up. I spend plenty of time reading the Bible but I can't do that all the time. Especially as I spend the afternoons in bed and can't use my computer!

One other thing that, surprisingly, has been a "pro" in my  is having cancer that can't be treated. One aspect of it, anyway. Sheer desperation has made me turn and cling even more to God and His promises. I have always had a pretty close relationship with God because of all the time I spend alone with Him. Now, though, it is even better. I am spending even more time getting His promises on healing, encouragement, hope, peace, etc.

So my life is full of "pros" and "cons". I imagine it is the same for most people. For me, to keep myself from being depressed, I need to make myself focus more on the "pros" and less on the "cons". 

Music

Music-I love music. Not that I have ever had any musical talent but I have
always really enjoyed listening to it. I have Christian music playing all
day in my room. There are several purposes that it serves.

When I am busy on my computer, be it reading the Bible or doing some
writing, I don't usually pay much attention to my music. However, I still
like to have it playing. Both for background noise and, especially, to drown
out some of the noises in this place. There always bells ringing, people
talking and, it seems, banging of some kind.

However, it is when I am resting in bed in the afternoon that I value my
music the most. First of all, listening to music helps to pass the time for
me. I am always looking for something to help to pass the time. The
afternoons certainly go by faster if I am listening to something.

Because most of the music that I listen to is Christian, it helps to keep my
focus on God, where it should be. If I don't have music playing, my mind
keeps wandering to places that I don't want it to go and I have to make a
conscious effort to pull it back to where it should be more frequently. But,
if music is playing, it easier to set my mind, and keep it set,on what any
particular song is saying about God.

That is another reason that I like to listen to Christian music. To hear
what the songs have to say about God.  I really enjoy contemporary Christian
music, especially to praise to , but, if I want to listen to descriptions
of God or Jesus, I prefer the old hymns. I find that contemporary Christian
songs, though I love them, often repeat the same thing over and over. At
least more often than old hymns do.

There are afternoons, though, that I use my music to simply praise God. I
have my music on the computer, and usually on shuffle, so I get what I get.
Be it contemporary, old hymns, country or even the few classical and other
nice instrumental songs that I have. For the latter, I simply make up words
of praise to go with the tune. Generally, though, I just sing along, either in my mind or as best I can out loud,

Other afternoons, though, I desperately need some encouraging. Usually when
I feel discouraged, I turn to the Bible. But when I am in bed, I can't use
my computer., which is the only way I have to read the Bible. So I encourage myself by listening to the lyrics of Christian songs. A lot of my spells of discouragment come either in the middle of the night or early in the morning when I don't have music playing. Then, I often encourage myself by singing songs from my cds in my mind.

I sometimes get an inspiration for my blogs from my music. I will be listening to the words and hear a sentence or phrase that jumps out at me and I know it is what I will write about in my next  blog.

Finally, I think having Christian music playing all the time is a way of telling the nurses about Jesus without talking to them. I know that they are very busy. And they are being paid to work. However, I can't help but think that they are getting a bit of the gospel message just by having to listen to it in my room. Every so often, one of them will say how nice my music is so they must listen.

So, yes, I do really enjoy listening to music. But my music is more than just entertainment for me. It is helping me to cope with what is a really difficult situation. 

Change

Change-One of my frequent nights without much sleep, I was thinking that our
lives are composed of a series of changes. The older I get, the less I like
change. However, it going to happen to us all-like it or not. I started
thinking about my life and all the changes that have been in it.

The first significant change that I remember was moving from the country to
Medicine Hat. I don't remember a whole lot about the actual move but having
all the amenities, like electricity and indoor plumbing, had to be quite a
change from the way we had been living. Starting grade 6 in a city school
with a room full of kids all in the same grade was certainly different for
me after 5 years in a room with kids in all different grades.

The next major change in my life was when I was in grade 11. My father had a
heart attack and passed away. That was quite a shock to the entire family.
For a couple of years, we remained in the big, old house that we had been
living in. But, as my older sisters had left home by then, we moved into a
much smaller house it Medicine Hat.

The next change in my life was going away to university. It was the first
time that I had been away from home which is always an adjustment. However,
I attended university in Lethbridge which is not that far from Medicine Hat
so I could go home on weekends if I wanted to, holidays and, for sure,
during the summer. Also, I either lived in residence or boarded so I didn't
have to concern myself with things like cooking and cleaning.

After graduating from university, I moved to Cold Lake to teach. Now, it was
too far to go home on weekends, though I still went back to Medicine Hat for
holidays and the summer. Now I had no choice but to start grocery shopping,
cooking and cleaning for myself. It was a change for sure.

After two years in Cold Lake, I made the big change that is pretty common. I
got married. It was a big change to go from being single and doing what I
wanted, when I wanted to having somebody around 24/7 and sometimes having to
forgo what I wanted to do. No more summers at home. Now, at least part of
the summer was often spent visiting his parents n Ontario. Throw in a couple
of kids and the change was complete.

The most traumatic change in my life was in July of 1983 when I had a brain
stem stroke. I were from a healthy 33 year old to a somebody who
couldn't move or talk. However, the doctor did say l would learn to walk and talk
again so I had hope. That is until the "complication" that left me in my
present condition. I still don't know what happened but I knew I would never
get better, which threw me into some major depression.

Then came the best change in my life. I became a born-again Christian. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be totally restored to health. But what I didn't know was how long it would take. No doubt, a good thing or I don't think I would have had the courage to go through it. As it is, though I have had spells of depression and lots of boredom, I have never lost hope.

This past March, I had another change in my life. I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is a scary word but, out of desperation, it has made me cling even more to God and the Bible. As a result, my hope and expectation for healing of both the cancer and everything else is higher than in a long time.

This is my journey through the changes that have happened in my life. Other people go through their own series of changes. However, one thing that never changes is Jesus. Like the Bible says, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. It is comforting to know that, no matter what happens or how I feel, His love and care for me are always the same. 

Disabilities

Disabilities-Ever since the stroke and the infirmity that I have lived with
for so long, I have been at a loss for what to call it. Just recently,
though, I came up with the term "Temporary Disability". Temporary because,
even though it certainly seems like it, I know the disability won't last
forever. However, not being to walk or move or speak is a definite
disability. After living so many years with a disability I, I have gained
some insight into what life is like for truly disabled  people.

One thing I learned pretty quickly is that you are limited where you can go
if you are in a wheelchair. Some places have stairs but no ramp to
accommodate wheelchairs. I have noticed that over the years this seems to
be less of a problem as more places are installing ramps, which is good.
Unfortunately, though, there are still too many places that people in
wheelchairs can't go.

I have also noticed that products designed specifically for disabled people
are usually quite costly. Unless a disabled person is getting special
funding, I would think that this could be a problem. Most disabled people, I
assume, have a limited source of income.

I don't know if this is true for everyone in  a wheelchair but I find that
when I am looking at something, too often somebody stands in front of me so
I can't see. And of course I can't tell them to get out of the way. I know
it is not done intentionally but it is still very frustrating.

However, I want to deal more with emotional aspects of being disabled. For people born that way it is probably not the issue it is with somebody, like me, who has been perfectly healthy but then all of a sudden becomes disabled. For me, it was a very humiliating experience to go from being pretty independent to needing somebody to do everything for me. Basically, I have become like an overgrown baby. I have to be fed and diapered like a baby. And, if I need anything else, even my head scratched, I have to ask somebody. I am used to it by now but it sure does knock down the pride!

Even though I know that this disability is temporary, I have lived long enough as a disabled person to know that there are some things that well-meaning healthy people do that may not be the best thing for somebody who is disabled. One thing is avoiding somebody who is disabled. I know it is human nature to avoid anything that makes us uncomfortable. I can only speak from my own experience. When I first started going to church, I wanted to be friends with everyone but the majority of people avoided me. Eventually, I started to feel rejected and withdrew into myself.

Disabled people are just ordinary people stuck in a body that doesn't work. And it would be nice to be treated like that. Some people do but unfortunately, I have had people stick their faces in mine and speak really loudly. Most of those, though, are people who don't know I have a sound mind and good hearing.

There are plenty of more things that, as a temporarily disabled person, frustrate me but I will mention just more thing. Being stared at. I hate constantly being stared at wherever I go. Little kids stare at me all the time ,but they stare at a lot of things so they don't bother me much. Adults, though, are funny. I know somebody is staring at me, but if I look at that person he or she looks away. To be honest though, I would probably do the same.

Thankfully, this disability is temporary  but it has given me insight into what life is like for a disabled person. Believe me, it is not a lot of fun! 

MoreThings I Have Learned

More Things I Have Learned-Some time ago, I wrote about some lessons that I
have learned during my ordeal. But that was before the cancer. But, now, l
have a few more to add.

One of the most important is to never, ever entertain the thought of giving
up. From time to time I get the thought that this is too hard. I should just
give up, let nature take its course and go to Heaven. Pretty tempting but I
also know, that, if I entertain that thought, it  won't be long until I
actually do give up. I have to keep telling myself that, no matter how bad
it gets, I won't EVER give up.

I have learned that it ok to have an occasional pity party, meltdown, hissy
fit, crying spell or whatever you want to call it. Just don't stay there and
wallow in it. For me, it is have the fit, get over it and carry on with
life.

Another thing that I have learned is the reality of the statement by Jesus
that He will never leave or forsake us. Yes, we read in the Bible and hear it
at church. However, it becomes a reality when I am crying and upset. Nobody
wants to be around me and, to be honest, I would like to get away from
myself if I could! But, miserable as I may get, I can't get rid of Jesus. In
fast, when I am at my worst, that is often when I feel His presence the most.

I have learned that, yes, Jesus gave us His peace at the time of our
salvation but it is up to us to keep that peace. There are all sorts of things
in this life that will steal our peace if we let them. For me,  if I notice
that I am starting to feel agitated, restless and just not at peace, it is a
signal to me that I need to read some in the Bible, as long as I am not in
bed. Sometimes, I read verses specifically on peace but not always. The key,
I guess, is doing whatever we need to get our focus back on Jesus. That is
where the peace is.

Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have really come to understand the
importance of living one day at a time. After my salvation, I kept looking forward to the day that I received my total healing. But I don't do that anymore. At least, not as often. I have no idea what the future holds and I know very well that I just make myself depressed if I let myself start thinking about all the bad things that could happen. So I try to live one day at a time, sometimes a few hours at a time.

I have learned that, when some trifling thing happens that upsets me, to stop and think, "How important is this in the light of eternity?". That generally calms me down. I am trying, not always successfully, to view everything from an eternal perspective. That includes everything that I have gone through and am still going through.

I have learned to be more thankful. Mostly, for the little things or things most people take for granted. Right now, I am thankful for every day that the symptoms from the cancer are minimal. Though maybe that is not a little thing! I was thinking about how thankful I am for my sight and hearing. I can't even imagine what my life would be without them. I am not going to mention everything that I am thankful for. Just one more thing. I think, right now, I am more thankful for Jesus than I have ever been.

These are just a few more things that I have learned. No doubt I will be learning plenty more before Jesus returns! 

Weak Moments

  Weak Moments-Considering that I am facing some pretty difficult
circumstances what with the stroke and now cancer on top of everything
else, I am doing ok. With a LOT of help from God, I have been able to "hang in there"
somehow. The truth is, over the years since the stroke, I have asked myself
how on earth have I lasted all these years. However, I don't want to leave
you with the impression that I never have weak moments. Because I do. Lots
of them.

These weak moments don't always show themselves to other people. A lot of
times, a heaviness will come over me and I start to be fearful (especially
since the cancer) and depressed. At times like that, I have to struggle, not
always successfully, not to let the depression show. Other times, my weak
moment does make itself known. Often in tears. I can be having an ok day when
all of a sudden, I burst into tears. Or maybe, some little unimportant
thing happens which makes me start to cry. I never seem to be far from tears
these days. I am not proud of it but I have had some total meltdowns. I have
gotten angry, screamed and, if I could have, would have thrown something.
Even before the cancer, I have had times where I have had spells of feeling
totally overwhelmed and in a box with no way out. Now, I sometimes feel
overwhelmed by the cancer as well.

One thing that triggers a weak moment is seeing or listening to people talk
about things that they are doing. Things that I haven't been able do for a
long, long time. I know that is pretty selfish of me so I try not to let it
get the best of me. Not too much, anyway.

Another thing that usually sets off a weak moment is when I am with a group
and can't take part in conversations going on around me. Not being able to
talk is one of the main things that brings on a weak moment for me.

Various symptoms, from either the stroke or cancer or both sometimes trigger a weak moment. It is so much easier to be strong when I am feeling relatively well than when different symptoms start kicking in. This is especially true if I start to think how long I may have the symptoms, and how bad they may get, before God restores me to complete health.

That is one of the most frequent causes of my weak moments. I start thinking too much about the future and how I might go on living like this for years before anything gets better. I know that if I just take one day at a time I do better, but sometimes my thoughts get away.

The bottom line, though, is that, anytime I get a weak moment, I have gotten my focus off of the Lord. If I kept my focus on the Lord ALL the time, I wouldn't get these weak moments.

But the good thing about these weak moments is that they usually don't last long. I have learned that, when I start feeling weak and discouraged, my focus has gotten off Jesus and it is time to yank it back. I do this with verses from the Bible. If I am up and using my computer, I start to read encouraging Bible verses. Sometimes, ones on peace. Or if I am in bed, I quote Bible verses to myself. Listening carefully to the lyrics of Christian songs also helps to put my focus back on God. When some little thing happens that upsets me, I try to think, "How important is this in the light of eternity?" That usually calms me down. 

Quite The Life

Quite The Life-One day, I was chatting with one of the nurses and I
mentioned that I have had quite a life. Afterwards, I reflected my life has,
for the most part, not been what one would call "normal".

Right from the beginning, I had a different sort of life. Spending the first
11 years living in the country with no electricity or indoor plumbing and
riding horseback to a one room school was not the norm. Even way back when I
was a child. To me, though, it was perfectly normal as that was all I knew.
I do have fond memories, at least mostly, of my childhood.

When I was 11, we moved to Medicine Hat. It was then that life became a bit
more usual.We finally had the amenities that other people did. Like
electricity, indoor plumbing and even a tv! I suppose it took some
adjustment for the "country bumpkins" that my sisters and I were to a city
school but I don't recall it being too difficult.

Probably the most "normal" period of my life was my time at university and
the immediate years after. At university, I was a typical university
student. I honestly did put my studies first but I also had a good time and
did some goofy things. Like people that age do. I graduated from university
in 1972 and, in January of 1973, moved to Cold Lake to start my teaching
career. The next ten years rolled by pretty uneventfully. I got married and
had a couple of kids. You know, the usual stuff.

But, then came the stroke . On July 24, 1983,  I had what they termed a
brain stem stroke. Having a stroke at the age of 33 is sure not what I
expected but, apparently, people that young, or even younger, do have
strokes so it wasn't totally unheard of. Whatever the age, it was quite a
shock to find myself unable to move or speak. However, the doctor said that
I would learn to walk and talk again. We had been slowly working towards
that goal when what I call "the complication" set in.

It was April or May of 1984 and I was at the Glenrose Hospital in Edmonton
for therapy. Unfortunately, I ended up with pneumonia and had to be
transferred to the Royal Alexandra Hospital. That is when my incredible
journey through this life began in earnest. I still have no idea what
happened. One day, I was feeling the same way I always did since having this
stroke. But, the next,I felt pretty much like I do now and knew that I was
never going to get better.

After I recovered from the pneumonia, I was sent back to Cold Lake. Nothing
unusual about the fact that I was very depressed. Here I was 34 years old,
with two young children and no hope of ever getting better.

That depression lifted pretty fast on the day that I was saved. I knew that
I was going to be healed but, what I didn't realize was that it would take
so long. At first, I was so excited  that I barely noticed the not very
pleasant circumstances that I have to endure daily. But, as the months and
years rolled by, that excitement turned into a plodding determination not to
give up.

This past March, after years of nothing seeming to happen, I was diagnosed
with breast cancer. Being diagnosed with cancer was nothing out of the
ordinary as it happens to far too many people. The cancer has spread and became untreatable by human
doctors. (Not by the Great Physician!)

So that brings me up to the present in this "unique" life of mine. I can't
walk or talk, have cancer, and am beyond medical help. But not beyond help
of the Great Physician. I am believing that not only will Jesus take away
the cancer, He will fix everything else on me that needs fixing. I just don't know
when or how. Another thing I don't know is what my life will be like after I
am restored to health. I only know that Jesus will be in it.