Weak Moments

  Weak Moments-Considering that I am facing some pretty difficult
circumstances what with the stroke and now cancer on top of everything
else, I am doing ok. With a LOT of help from God, I have been able to "hang in there"
somehow. The truth is, over the years since the stroke, I have asked myself
how on earth have I lasted all these years. However, I don't want to leave
you with the impression that I never have weak moments. Because I do. Lots
of them.

These weak moments don't always show themselves to other people. A lot of
times, a heaviness will come over me and I start to be fearful (especially
since the cancer) and depressed. At times like that, I have to struggle, not
always successfully, not to let the depression show. Other times, my weak
moment does make itself known. Often in tears. I can be having an ok day when
all of a sudden, I burst into tears. Or maybe, some little unimportant
thing happens which makes me start to cry. I never seem to be far from tears
these days. I am not proud of it but I have had some total meltdowns. I have
gotten angry, screamed and, if I could have, would have thrown something.
Even before the cancer, I have had times where I have had spells of feeling
totally overwhelmed and in a box with no way out. Now, I sometimes feel
overwhelmed by the cancer as well.

One thing that triggers a weak moment is seeing or listening to people talk
about things that they are doing. Things that I haven't been able do for a
long, long time. I know that is pretty selfish of me so I try not to let it
get the best of me. Not too much, anyway.

Another thing that usually sets off a weak moment is when I am with a group
and can't take part in conversations going on around me. Not being able to
talk is one of the main things that brings on a weak moment for me.

Various symptoms, from either the stroke or cancer or both sometimes trigger a weak moment. It is so much easier to be strong when I am feeling relatively well than when different symptoms start kicking in. This is especially true if I start to think how long I may have the symptoms, and how bad they may get, before God restores me to complete health.

That is one of the most frequent causes of my weak moments. I start thinking too much about the future and how I might go on living like this for years before anything gets better. I know that if I just take one day at a time I do better, but sometimes my thoughts get away.

The bottom line, though, is that, anytime I get a weak moment, I have gotten my focus off of the Lord. If I kept my focus on the Lord ALL the time, I wouldn't get these weak moments.

But the good thing about these weak moments is that they usually don't last long. I have learned that, when I start feeling weak and discouraged, my focus has gotten off Jesus and it is time to yank it back. I do this with verses from the Bible. If I am up and using my computer, I start to read encouraging Bible verses. Sometimes, ones on peace. Or if I am in bed, I quote Bible verses to myself. Listening carefully to the lyrics of Christian songs also helps to put my focus back on God. When some little thing happens that upsets me, I try to think, "How important is this in the light of eternity?" That usually calms me down.