Hands

      To be honest, having hands that work was  just something that
I took for granted. Even babies freely move their hands. But now that all
movement in my hands is gone, I can't help wondering from time to time how
much better my life would be if I could just move my upper half. Nothing
else. Not even speech.

One thing that I have always wanted to do is to be able to raise my hands to
the Lord during the praise and worship at church. For now, though, all I can
do is sit like a lump. Sometimes, I look around at the other people but I
don't always see a lot of people raising their hands. I admit that I can't
really understand when it would be so easy for them.

Communication would be so much easier with hands and arms that work. All I
would have to do is write down what I wanted to say and others could read
it. I might even be able to have some conversations, both with the nurses
and people at church.

Using my computer would be so much easier as well. I would be able to use my
computer the same way as everybody else. Which means that I could do
everything much quicker. And it would be a lot less frustrating for me if my
hands worked. When there is a power failure and my computer shuts itself
off, once the power comes back on, I could just turn the computer without
yelling for a nurse to come and turn it on.

If I had use of my hands, I would be able to learn how to use all the gadgets that I see on TV but don't even know what they are. I can't, at present, use them anyway so I don't pay much attention to them. I would be the first one to admit that I am old-fashioned and I totally dislike all this technology. However, I am also smart enough to understand that, in this modern world, I am, sooner or later, going to have to get used to it. So, I say, lets do it and get it over with.

One thing that I would really like to be able to do is feed myself. At first, I found it so humiliating to be fed like a baby. I am used to it now but I would still like to feed myself. I know that there would still be things I can't eat but, at least, I could eat at my own speed.

Another thing that I found really humiliating at first was having somebody else doing all my personal care. Even if I had the use of my hands, I would still have to depend on other people for a lot of it but, at least, I could do things like washing my hands and face, brushing my own teeth, etc.

The afternoons, when I have to rest in bed would certainly be less tedious as I could read. I love to read and I could easily, quickly and happily spend the afternoons reading.

I do spend quite a bit of time dreaming about what my life would be like if I could talk or use my hands or, better still, all me worked. If nothing else, it help to pass the time. But I do think that my dreaming has a couple of benefits for me. First, dreaming like that keeps me from having a lot of negative, depressing thoughts. Secondly, dreaming about the better days yet to come helps to keep my hope up. And I know that, without hope, I would have completely lost it by now. 

Bringing Thoughts Into Captivity

      -In 2 Corinthians, chapter 10 verse
5, we are admonished,more or less, to bring our thoughts captive to Christ.
That is our job. He is not going to control our thoughts. Because of all the
time I have to think, I find it quite a challenge to keep my thoughts where
they should be.

The first area that I struggle with are thoughts of doubt and unbelief. I
don't struggle with believing I will be healed. That was taken care of on
the day that I felt it go from my head down into my heart. But what I do
struggle with is the timing. Because I have been like this for so long, it is
hard for me to believe that a change could be imminent. I do believe that
God has already healed me and everybody will see it someday. However, I have
trouble believing that it could be now and I am not sure that's faith.

I do have to try and fight off thoughts of self-pity too often. These seem
stronger when I am  around other people and hear all the fun things they are
doing. Not that I don't have bouts of self-pity when I am by myself but it
is a little easier. Thankfully, not too often do these self-pitying thoughts
turn into a full blown pity-party, though it has happened.

Then there are thoughts of being sick. Let's face it. I live in an
environment where the main concern is how one is feeling. When one
constantly has symptoms of one ailment or another, it is sometimes hard not
to complain to the nurse. Lately, though, I have come up with a trick that
seems to help to fight thoughts of being sick. I imagine that I have a
"symptom"box and , everytime that I get a symptom of some minor ailment, I
pretend to throw it in my "symptom" box and ignore it. My box must be pretty
full by now but, at least so far, the symptoms have never turned into
anything else.

One thing that I really struggle with is the thought that I don't belong with
other people in the church. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I am
told that I do belong. There are simply too many church activities that I
can't take part in and my day-to-day life is so very different from that of
other people. A similar thought to combat is that I am just a nuisance. I know these thoughts don't come from God so I need to subdue them.

I often struggle with thoughts of condemnation. Even though I do know that the Bible says that there is no condemnation to those in Christ, everytime I do or say something that I know isn't proper for a Christian, I do battle with all kinds of condemning thoughts.

I have too many impatient thoughts. Thoughts like, "Will this nightmare ever end" or "How much longer?". We live in such a fast-paced society that we don't like to wait for 30 minutes, much less 30 years. But God works on His own timetable so we are really wasting our time when we ask questions like that.

These are some of the thoughts that I fight with to "take captive" day after day after day... The best way for me to do this is for me to replace the "yucky" thoughts with God thoughts, scripture, from the Bible. That is why I need to keep reading the Bible. So I will always have ammunition to shoot down negative thoughts. When negative thoughts come, I can also DELIBERATELY choose to start praising the Lord. With negative thoughts come negative feelings so I often have to force myself to start praising. I would like to say that I am always successful at taking negative thoughts "into captivity" but that would be a lie.

Appreciation-Or Lack Thereof

          -I was thinking of how we don't appreciate thing suntil they are gone. For me, I know that there were many things that I
didn't even think about before the stroke but I sure do miss them now that
they are gone.

I NEVER APPRECIATED FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT . To be honest, it never even
occurred to me that I could lose it. Once in awhile, I would see somebody in
a wheelchair but I never thought about how that person must feel about not
having the freedom of movement that they used to have. (Unless they were
born that way and don't know any different) Now, though, I have a whole lot
more empathy with other people who, for whatever reason, have lost all, or
even part of their freedom of movement.

I NEVER APPRECIATED THE ABILITY TO SPEAK. Until the stroke, I don't even
remember a time in my life when I couldn't speak. I guess I took it for
granted but why wouldn't I? I don't think that I was ever even around
someone who couldn't speak prior to the stroke. Occasionally, since I have
been in Long Term Care, someone comes in who is unable to speak , usually
with no means of communicating at all. Which is SO frustrating for
everybody. My point in all this is that speech is something that we don't
usually think about but, when it is gone, we sure do think about it and wish
we had it back.

I NEVER APPRECIATED HEALTH IN GENERAL-Prior to the stroke, I was a pretty
healthy person. Mostly just the usual colds and flu, etc. I still don't see
myself really as sick but, when I can't walk or talk, when I have numerous,
constant aches and pains and have been in a hospital for so long, it is hard
to think of myself as really healthy eother. All I know is that it sure would, and
will, be nice to have the health that I once had.

I NEVER APPRECIATED FAMILY- I better clarify this. The purpose of this blog is to point out some things that I didn't appreciate before they were gone. But I didn't lose my family. At least,not entirely. I did lose my husband but I do stay in contact with my kids. Unfortunately, because they live in Edmonton, I don't see them in person that often. I don't at all regret the divorce but I do regret that I didn't appreciate him more before he was gone. Not often but , once in awhile, I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't had the stroke. Would I still have my husband? Would I see my kids more often? But I know that the "what if" game is futile. My life is what it is. Besides, the stroke was instrumental in me becoming a Christian so how can I regret it?

I NEVER APPRECIATED MY JOB-Like most employees on most jobs, I know I did my share of complaining. But, now that I can't work, I really miss my job. Not so much now that I am older but I sure did at first. That is why,when someone complains to me about their work, I often tell them to be glad they can work.

I NEVER APPRECIATED GOD-Far from it. Though I grew up knowing about God, through Sunday school, I never really knew Him until I became a born-again Christian after the stroke. And it is pretty hard to appreciate someone you don't know, isn't it?

I realized that all the things that I never appreciated before the stroke took them away are gifts from God. Not being a Christian prior to the stroke, of course, I would not have seen them as gifts from God. But, even if I had been a Christian, I probably would have taken them for granted instead of appreciating them as gifts from God. 

Little Children

     -In the Bible, Jesus said need to become like
little children. That got me thinking, and I have a lot of time to think,
what about little children appeals so much to Jesus.

First, little children simply believe. No questions, no reasonings and, for
sure, not a lot of research on the matter. But, as adults, we tend to want
to know the why for everything. However, when Jesus tells us something, often in the
Bible. He wants us to simply believe it. No questions asked. Of course, if
it originates with a source other than God, that is another matter

Secondly, little children are trusting. They don't fret about how their
needs will be met. They don't even think about it. They instinctively know
that their parents will do what is best for them. In the same way, Jesus
wants His children, Christians, to trust Him that their present
circumstances, like my situation, are for their best-even if they don't seem
like it.

Thirdly, little children don't hide their emotions. If they are sad or hurt,
they cry. If they are happy, they laugh and jump around. But adults tend to
wear masks so others won't know how they are really feeling. I am really bad
for that. Not a mask really as, when I am down, everybody knows it. However,
instead of crying and letting it out, I tend to push it down inside and make
myself depressed. But people have positive emotions as well. Very few adults
have the freedom to laugh and jump around like a child. But I suspect that
Jesus would like to see more of it when His children are praising Him.

Fourthly, little  children say whatever is on their mind (or in their
heart). I know from experience that, at times, this can be downright
embarassing for the parents! As adults, we are more discreet about what we
say. Which is good provided we are still being honest. I , personally,
think Jesus wants us to be as open as little children providing we have been
spending time in the Bible and storing up His thoughts in our hearts. Then
what comes out of our mouths will be in line with what He thinks and
desires.

Fifthly, little children are resilient. Did you notice that a little child
can, at one moment, be crying and acting like something is the end of the
world but, the next, has forgotten all about it and has gone back to
whatever he/she is doing? That is exactly what Christians should do.
When bad things happen, just shake them off and keep going. This is one thing that I have never had too much trouble doing. If I feel down, up until now, I have been able to get over it within a relatively short period of time and "keep on keeping on".

Sixth, little children are spontaneous. They don't have detailed plans and agendas for everything they do. They simply act on the spur of the moment. As adults, obviously, we need a certain amount of organization or our lives would be utter chaos. However, when it comes to praising Him, I am sure Jesus would like us to be more like children and less like adults.

Finally, little children are loving. As a parent, isn't it endearing when your little one comes and tells you that he/she loves you? Not for anything you have done or given them but simply because you are you. As much as Jesus wants to do for and give to His children, Christians, it must also mean a lot to Him when we just tell Him we love Him without asking for anything.

The Value Of Being Alone

- Probably one of the more difficult aspects of my situation is being alone so much of the time. The nurses are always busy so, aside from meals and getting me up and putting me to bed, they can't spend a lot of time with me,. At times, the loneliness is almost overpowering. Having said that, though, I have also come to understand that there are benefits to being alone.

The first is, of course, is fellowship with God. It is pretty hard to fellowship with both God and people at the same time. Besides, God deserves our undivided attention. Even Jesus, when He wanted to spend time with God, sought to be alone. I have learned to pray and talk to God in my mind so I can commune with God in the presence of people but it is so much better when it is just God and me. It is also a lot easier to hear from God, whether through a still, small voice or through the Bible, when one is alone. That is why I prefer to do my Bible reading before breakfast. The nurses are really busy then so I know for sure that I won't be disturbed.

Being alone so much has taught me a dependency on God that I wouldn't otherwise have. If there were people-around, it would be easy just to ask a person for the help I need but because, most of the time, there isn't, I have to depend on God for the help I need. Be it sending a nurse or some other kind of help.

Meditation is not something that I do enough of. I know that. However, the times when I do mull over a passage from the Bible, or maybe something that I have heard at church, are also times that I want to be alone so that my thoughts are unimpeded.

Being alone so much also helps me to keep my focus on God. When I am in the dining room for meals, my focus on God slips because I am so busy listening to the nurses or watching the other people. When I am alone, it should be easier for me to keep my focus on God but that depends whether or not I let my thoughts wander all over the place. That part is up to me.

Finally, I need to be alone to write this blog. I need undisturbed time on my computer to get it written. But, even before I start to write, it helps to be alone. Once the Holy Spirit has given me a title or what to write about, I like to make an outline in my head and, then, fill in the details as I write. Time alone makes it easier to come up with that outline.

So, you see, being alone is not a bad thing at all. Ultimately, I guess, whether or not it makes me feel lonely depends mostly on my state of mind. 

If I Could Talk...

     Years ago, I used to think that I would start to speak before anything else on me is healed. Whether or not it happens like that remains to be seen but, every so often, I speculate on what life would be like for me if I were in the same condition except I could speak. Just being able to speak would make life so much easier for me.

The main thing is, of course, that I would be able to actually have conversations with people. I am thankful for my speech board but it is not conducive for a lengthy conversation. A few people are proficient enough with it to have a decent conversation with me but that is not the norm. In fact, I suspect that some people avoid conversations with me because of my speech board. But that is kind of ok because, these days, I get frustrated with the speech board so fast that I sometimes avoid using it myself.

When I am using my computer in the morning, one thing I like to do is try reading out loud a few Psalms and confessions, both for healing and who I am in Christ. At the present, all that comes out are some unintelligible noises. I know God understands but it would sure be easier for me if I could speak. In the same way, when I am lying in bed in the afternoon, I like to "sing" along to my music. It is hard, though, with no intelligible voice.

Speaking of singing, I think that it would so great to sing freely at church. I know that my pathetic attempts mean as much to God as all the good voices on stage but still...

I know that my day-to-day interaction with the nurses would be a lot better if I could speak. They are always busy so there are few times we get to converse. Some of them are good enough at using my speech board that we can have a nice chitchat while they are feeding me. Others, though, really struggle with the speech board. So mealtimes are pretty silent. The nurse points to items and I nod when I want something. Or I look at what I want and only use the speech board when necessary. I wish, though, that I could converse freely with them all.

When I am on my computer, and alone, sometimes I need a nurse, either for my computer or something else. At present, all I can do is yell until somebody hears and comes to my assistance. Even if I could talk, I don't know if anybody would hear me calling any faster but, at least, it might not tire me out so much.

Probably the time I most wish I could talk is when there a new nurses. If they are unsure of my routine, I could easily help them. However, as it is, if they are uncertain what to do, I have to use the speech board to tell them the next step. Not only is it extremely frustrating for everybody, it takes way too much time.

One other time that talking would be really nice is when I have skype visits. Especially with my daughter and grandson. Right now, all I can do is sit and watch and listen while others converse. And, of course, dream about the day I will be able to talk to my family.

How I Can Show Jesus To The World

 -Right Now-For this blog, lately, the Holy Spirit has been giving me a title and, with His help, I have been filling in the details. But, when He gave me this title a few days ago, my thought was, "How on earth can I do that when my world is so limited and I am so tired and frustrated most of the time lately?" Assuming that what is meant by "world"
are the nurses, most of whom are not Christians, I concluded that the Holy Spirit must want me to think of ways that I can show Jesus to the nurses, and any other people that I come into contact with who are not Christians.

The most obvious way is through this blog. I know that a number of people who are not Christians, including some of the nurses, do read it. So it is a good vehicle to share about Jesus, particularly how my faith in Him relates to my present situation in life. The nurses definitely know more than anybody else about the circumstances I live with everyday so, hopefully, I say something about Jesus that will speak to them.

While I was thinking about this, the Holy Spirit dropped two words in my mind. I only mention them because they are from Him or it might sound like I am tooting my own horn. The first word that came to me was "faithful". One area that I have been faithful in is attending church. I am sure that, over the years, that has made some impression on the nurses. I am pretty sure they are also aware that I  faithfully read the Bible everyday. And they hear Christian music in my room constantly.

The other word that came to me is "trust". It does mean a lot to me that different nurses will sometimes tell me things before they tell anybody else because , they say, they can trust me not to repeat it.

However, I still don't feel like I have been doing much to show Jesus to anybody lately. I have worn down and, to me, I don't seem to the person I once was. I do still have a good time with the nurses but not as frequently. Irritation at the least little thing seems the theme of my life these days. About the only Christlike thing I do right now is say I am sorry. And I do that a LOT lately.

Ultimately, though, I know it is not up to me to decide whether or not I am showing Jesus to the world. It is up to God. All I can do is do what He tells me to do and leave the rest up to Him.