What Keeps Me Going

 -Sometimes, when I am resting in bed, I wonder how on earth I have lasted this long and still be relatively sane. The obvious answer is nothing but the grace of God. Sometimes, people will say to me that they couldn't do what I am doing. Of course, they couldn't because they haven't been called to it. But, if they had been,the grace would be there to help them to get through it. God will never ask us to do something and not provide the grace for it.
          However, I suspect that there are a couple of other things that are helping me to "keep on keeping on", so to speak. The first one is hope. We all need hope. When I first became a Christian, like most new Christians, I had a lot of zeal without much knowledge and I honestly believed that God would zap me and I would be the same as before. But, as the years have gone by, much of of the zeal has turned to plodding endurance and I am no longer expecting God to zap me at any moment. Though I still believe that it is possible. Anything is possible with God. Over the years my hope may have dimmed a little but it is still there. I am still sure that I will have a better life. Not just in Heaven but in this world as well.
            The second thing that helps to keep me going may sound a bit funny but I believe that it is my stubborn personality. Years ago I was repenting to God for my stubborn streak and He surprised me by saying that a stubborn streak is not necessarily a bad thing. It just depends how it is used. I do know that if I wasn't so stubborn, or determined, I would have caved in long ago. Who knows where I would be. Perhaps in a mental hospital or even dead. But, for me, it is very simple. God said it, I believe it and I am too ornery to give up! 

Thankfulness

  Despite the constant discomfort and, despite the many frustrations, I truly believe that I have a lot to be thankful for. Just to name a few:

1. Chosen-Not only am I thankful to have been chosen to go through such an incredible experience, I am thankful to have been chosen to be saved. When I think of all the people headed for hell, at least at the moment, all I can do is say, "Thank You, Jesus".

2. Time-Having so many long hours to fill is definitely a challenge but it is also something to be thankful for. In the mornings,when other people are going to work, I can get up, go on my computer and read the Bible all I want. I am also thankful for the times that I have to spend in bed. I can lie there and listen to Christian music and fellowship with God while other people have other things that need to be done.

3. Distractions-I am always thankful that I don't have as many things to pull my attention away from God. Things like a job, family, other activities, etc. My life is tedious, to be sure, but it is also more conducive to keeping my focus on God.

4. Dependency-Because there is almost nothing that I can do on my own, over the years I have learned to depend on God for just about everything. Things other people do automatically, I have to pray about.  I am thankful for that.

5. Not being able to talk-As frustrating as not being able to talk is most of the time, there are times that I am grateful for it. Once in awhile, I have a tiff with one of the nurses, which happens when people spend a lot of time together. If I could talk, I know that I would blurt out something rude and sarcastic but,as it takes her a few seconds to pick up the board, it gives me time to cool down enough to say something politer. In fact, at times, the Holy Spirit will tell me not to say something. I wish I could say I always obey but...

6. Canada-I would be remiss if I didn't mention how thankful that God chose to put me this wonderful country of ours. I can't even imagine what life would be like for me in a less prosperous nation.

7. Little things-One thing that I have done for years is, just before I go to sleep, i think of something specific to thank God for that day. Some days it takes a lot of thought but I can usually come up with something. I am always thankful if I receive a visitor. Or it might just be an e-mail, particularly if it is from somebody who doesn't usually e-mail me. Sometimes, one of the nurses will give me a treat of some kind. When you have been eating hospital food as long as I have, you have to be thankful for anything different.

8. Other Things-I am thankful for friends. Especially the ones that put themselves out for me. I am thankful for the nurses. Not just for the good care but also for the friendship. I am thankful for a church that teaches the word of God. I am thankful for eyes that see and a good mind. Oh, and ears that hear. Most of all, I am thankful that God is. Sometimes I think, "What would I do without You, Lord?". 

One Sleepless Night

 I was thinking about this during one long night when I couldn't sleep. When  I was going to university, many years ago, during the summer, I worked in an auxilary hospital in Medicine Hat.  One of the patients was a youngish man, probably in his 30s, who due to some kind of accident, was totally paralyzed, though he could still speak. I remember that he was depressed most of the time. At the time, though, I was maybe 20 and at the age that , if it doesn't directly concern yourself, you don't give anything much thought and I truly didn't understand why he was depressed so often. But, now that I am in similar circumstances, I understand all too well. I admit that one of the major struggles for me is with depression but, because I am a Christian, I can usually shrug it off within a day or two. My point is this. None of us really can understand what another person is going through until we go through a similar situation. I suspect that Is why Jesus so big on us not judging each other. 

Frustrations

  I truly do believe that I am so very blessed. To think that, of all the people in the world, I was chosen for this. It is mind-boggling! God must see something in me that I don't see in myself. But, then, I also believe that God puts in us what we need to go through whatever we have to go through. Having said that, I still have many frustrations to go through in my day-to-day life. I will only mention a few or this would have too many parts!
                         By far, the biggest frustration in my life is communication. Or lack thereof. I am so thankful that I have the speech board. I don't even want to think about what life would be like for me without it. But it takes so long to say anything letter by letter with my eyes. And then so much depends on the person on the other end. Some people catch on quickly and it is easy to converse with them. But others struggle. Sometimes I have to repeat the same word over and over before they get it. If I really need to say something I will keep trying to make myself understood but, if it is not vital, I usually just say, "Never mind" and drop it. There are also those who, trying to make it easier for me, keep guessing at what I am going to say. If they are right, it does help but,if not, it is really frustrating as it takes even longer. Being misunderstood is something that I definitely have in common with Jesus. It is terribly frustrating for me and must have been for Him too.
          Another frustration that I have in regards to communication is being with a group of people and not being able to take part in the conversation. If I do try to say something, it takes so long that, by the time I get it out, the conversation has moved on to something else.
        Because of the frustrations associated with my speech board, I often prefer to use my computer to communicate, either by e-mail or to hold a conversation with somebody. But there are frustrations with the computer as well. The main one is a power failure. My computer shuts itself off so, when the power comes back on, I have to yell for a nurse to turn my computer. But the nurses are usually busy so I could be yelling for quite some time. The same is true if I hit the wrong button and mess up. I can't fix the messup without help. At times, I feel frustrated that I can't move my cursor around as quickly as other people. Most of the time, though, I am happy to putter away at my computer at my own speed.
            Of course, it is frustrating to have to depend on other people for almost everything. Not just the basic care like being dressed and fed but also the little things like wiping my snotty nose or scratching my itchy head.
             Speaking of itches, it is horrible getting an itch that I can't scratch. But all I can do is endure it until it goes away. I am certainly not going to call for the nurses everytime I get an itch! Sometimes, a hair gets on my face. It almost drives me crazy as I can't brush it away. Then there are bugs. Once the bugs come out in spring, I mostly stay inside as I can't shoo them away. At times, they get into the hospital. Then I have to endure flies landing on my face or mosquitoes sucking my blood! 

My Pre-Stroke Life

-Today, I have decided, or rather the Holy Spirit decided for me, to give a brief synopsis of my life prior to the stroke. I did have rather an unique childhood even for way back then. I was born in Medicine Hat but spent my early years on a farm/small ranch 50 miles south of there. The unique thing was that we had no indoor plumbing or electricity and I rode horseback to a one room, than two room, school. When I was 11, we sold the place and moved into the city of Medicine Hat. I will interject here and say that God had always been part of my life. Kind of as there were always Bibles in our home and I went to Sunday School. Sometimes church as well. But I never heard about being "born again" until after the stroke. However, when I was 13, I stopped going to church and, except for weddings and funerals, never set foot in a church until after the stroke. I finished my high school in Medicine Hat and then attended university in Lethbridge. After I graduated, I came to Cold Lake to teach and I have been here ever since. I met my husband here, got married and had a couple of kids (now grownup and both living in Edmonton). I thought that I was living a pretty good life and never gave God a thought. Like a lot of people, I guess. Sometimes, though, it takes a rude awakening to turn people to God and, man o man, was I in for a rude awakening! 

A Typical Day in My Life

      My day starts around 6 am, give or take a few minutes. The night nurses wash and dress me but don't get me out of bed. I lie and listen to Christian music. I find it ministers to me. Provided I don't let my mind wander. One thought that I have thought too much lately is, "I really don't want to face another day in this place". The truth is that I am more comfortable when I am lying down as my neck is so bad. But the time comes when I must get up and face another long day. Around7:30, the day nurses put me in my wheelchair and hook me up to my computer. The first thing I do is my Bible reading. It is my favorite time of the day. The nurses are busy so I can enjoy time with God uninterrupted. Breakfast is usually between 9 and 9:30. Then it is back to the computer. This time, though, I write an e-mail. It takes a long time to write anything because I have to bop out each letter with my head. Still, I find it a more efficient means of communication than my speech board. My speech board allows me to spell out words letter by letter with my eyes. It is invaluable if I need to tell the nurse something but it is too time-consuming to hold a lengthy conversation. Once I finish e-mailing, I usually do more Bible study until lunch. This computer has been such a blessing. It allows me a small amount of independence. After lunch, I have to rest in bed. I can't sit up all day or I get sore. Again, I lie and listen to Christian music. Once in awhile, I get company which helps the afternoon go by faster. Mind you, company at any time is a relief from the monotony. Up again at 4 pm  and back on the computer. It is pretty much all I have to do so I spend most of my time at it. Supper is at 5 and then is back at the computer. By evening I don't have the energy to do much more than watch tv. My computer has a tv so I can change channels myself. But, because there is so much garbage on tv, I pretty much limit myself to sports. I figure, at worst, I might overhear a few bad words! Bedtime is around 10 and, except for being repositionedbetween 2 and 2:30 so I don't get sore, my night is undisturbed.
                                          So there you have it. An overview of what my day-to-day life is like. Sunday is a bit different as I get to go to church. Church is like an "oasis in my desert".
                                         As hum-drum as my day-to-day life is, I know that I have some advantages over other people. I have more time to spend with God. And I have fewer things to distract me from God. Because I can't speak, I have learned to commune with God constantly in my mind.

Testimony

On July 24, 1983, I had a brain stem stroke which left me totally paralyzed and unable to speak. (I operate the computer with my head) The original plan was for me to learn to walk and talk again but things didn't go according to their plan. In May of 1984 I was at the Glenrose Hospital in Edmonton getting therapy. While there, I developed pneumonia and had to be transferred to main hospital. While I was there, I ended up the way I am now, kind of withered and with no apparent hope of getting better. Don't ask me how! Once I recovered from the pneumonia, the doctor sent me back to Cold Lake. He said I seemed to do better here but I suspect that he knew that there was nothing more he could do for me. Thus, began the worst year or so of my life. I was depressed most of the time and, frequently, suicidal. During that time, a couple of ladies used to come and sing gospel songs to me. But I mostly found them annoying as they usually came in the middle of my favorite soap! In September of 1985, a young man came into my room and told me about Jesus and how he could heal. People had told me before about Jesus and I tried to believe but was just head knowledge. This time, though, it "took". Holy Spirit, no doubt. When he prayed the Sinner's prayer with me, it felt like a heavy load had been lifted off my shoulders and I knew that I knew that I would be healed. But, what I didn't know is how long it would be. Here it is. 28+ years later and I am still believing for my healing to be manifested. I know that, ii God's eyes, it is a "done deal" but we don't see it. YET!!!