No Title

There is no title to this blog because I have no idea what I will be writing
about. While pondering what to write in this blog, I felt that the Holy
Spirit was saying to me to just write. In other words, just wing it. GREAT!
So that is what I am going to do. Start writing and see what comes out.
Hopefully, something good come out but, if nothing at all, there won't be a
blog this week. Simple as that!

I think it is so neat how this Holy Spirit provides encouragement-a from the
most unexpected sources. This past Thursday evening, I decided to watch a
movie. I don't watch a lot of movies but a few. This one was a take on the
story of Noah and the Ark. Not entirely Biblically accurate but enjoyable. In
the scene where an angel talks to Noah about building an ark, the angel
tells Noah not to doubt his faith. It was as if the Holy Spirit was saying
to me, "Don't doubt your faith". Coincidentally, that very morning, I woke
up with more of a sense of doubt than ever.

Over the years, the Holy Spirit has always been there for me. Many a times I
have needed a nurse but, because I can't use a call bell, I have no choice
but to start yelling. However, the nurses are busy and don't always hear me
right away. What I have found, though, is that, if I have the sense to pray, many
times a nurse will be there in next to no time. And there have been times
when I I have been feeling lonely. If I prayed and asked for a visitor, not
every single time but often enough a visitor will walk in. Quite often,
somebody unexpected. And the Holy Spirit is my memory. When I want to
remember something later, I ask the Holy Spirit to remind me and He always
does. At times, He even reminds me of things that I didn't ask to be
reminded of!

In a previous blog, I remember mentioning  enormous grace. I suppose another
word for it is great grace. I often am amazed that I have been able to go
through so much for so long and remained relatively sane. But I know that it
has nothing at all to with me and everything to do with the incredible grace
that God has put on me. Quite often somebody will say to me that they
couldn't do what I am doing. I don't say it but I always think that, of
course, they couldn't because they don't have the grace for it. However, if
any other person had been called to what I am going through, they would have
the enormous grace needed to endure.

I have sometimes thought that it would interesting to know what other people
think of me. I am thinking primarily of the nurses. Most of them are unsaved
but, still, quite a few of them of them read these blogs. So they know that
I believe that God will restore me to perfect health. I wonder. Do they
believe me? Not likely but what do they think? Do they think I am delusional
or, perhaps, brainwashed? Do at least a few of them think that I am in
denial about the cancer? Sometimes, I would dearly love to be a fly on the
wall in their staffroom! Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter what they or
anybody else thinks. All that matters is that I hold to my faith for as long as it
takes.

But it is not just the unsaved nurses that I wonder what they think of me. I
also wonder what Christians think. Most Christians pay lip service to
believing in my healing but how many really do? I know that there are some
Christians that believe in my healing from God as much as I do. On the other
hand, I am not so sure about other Christians. Mostly because of things they
say. Again, though, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks as long as my
thoughts are in line with God.

When I go out in public, I often catch a look of pity from other people. I
know that they don't understand the situation so I just shrug it off. The
truth, though, is the last thing that I need is pity. It usually leads to
self-pity which I definitely don't need. What I do appreciate, though, is
being shown compassion. That is one reason I love Jesus so much. He has
plenty of compassion for me but never pity or sympathy.

This blog is a hodge-podge of random thoughts. I guess, a small sampling of
my thoughts throughout the long days. But, more than anything, I wonder if
it was another test to see if I trust God enough to start writing without so
much as a title to go by. I have to admit that I wonder if these "tests"
will ever end!