No Title

There is no title to this blog because I have no idea what I will be writing
about. While pondering what to write in this blog, I felt that the Holy
Spirit was saying to me to just write. In other words, just wing it. GREAT!
So that is what I am going to do. Start writing and see what comes out.
Hopefully, something good come out but, if nothing at all, there won't be a
blog this week. Simple as that!

I think it is so neat how this Holy Spirit provides encouragement-a from the
most unexpected sources. This past Thursday evening, I decided to watch a
movie. I don't watch a lot of movies but a few. This one was a take on the
story of Noah and the Ark. Not entirely Biblically accurate but enjoyable. In
the scene where an angel talks to Noah about building an ark, the angel
tells Noah not to doubt his faith. It was as if the Holy Spirit was saying
to me, "Don't doubt your faith". Coincidentally, that very morning, I woke
up with more of a sense of doubt than ever.

Over the years, the Holy Spirit has always been there for me. Many a times I
have needed a nurse but, because I can't use a call bell, I have no choice
but to start yelling. However, the nurses are busy and don't always hear me
right away. What I have found, though, is that, if I have the sense to pray, many
times a nurse will be there in next to no time. And there have been times
when I I have been feeling lonely. If I prayed and asked for a visitor, not
every single time but often enough a visitor will walk in. Quite often,
somebody unexpected. And the Holy Spirit is my memory. When I want to
remember something later, I ask the Holy Spirit to remind me and He always
does. At times, He even reminds me of things that I didn't ask to be
reminded of!

In a previous blog, I remember mentioning  enormous grace. I suppose another
word for it is great grace. I often am amazed that I have been able to go
through so much for so long and remained relatively sane. But I know that it
has nothing at all to with me and everything to do with the incredible grace
that God has put on me. Quite often somebody will say to me that they
couldn't do what I am doing. I don't say it but I always think that, of
course, they couldn't because they don't have the grace for it. However, if
any other person had been called to what I am going through, they would have
the enormous grace needed to endure.

I have sometimes thought that it would interesting to know what other people
think of me. I am thinking primarily of the nurses. Most of them are unsaved
but, still, quite a few of them of them read these blogs. So they know that
I believe that God will restore me to perfect health. I wonder. Do they
believe me? Not likely but what do they think? Do they think I am delusional
or, perhaps, brainwashed? Do at least a few of them think that I am in
denial about the cancer? Sometimes, I would dearly love to be a fly on the
wall in their staffroom! Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter what they or
anybody else thinks. All that matters is that I hold to my faith for as long as it
takes.

But it is not just the unsaved nurses that I wonder what they think of me. I
also wonder what Christians think. Most Christians pay lip service to
believing in my healing but how many really do? I know that there are some
Christians that believe in my healing from God as much as I do. On the other
hand, I am not so sure about other Christians. Mostly because of things they
say. Again, though, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks as long as my
thoughts are in line with God.

When I go out in public, I often catch a look of pity from other people. I
know that they don't understand the situation so I just shrug it off. The
truth, though, is the last thing that I need is pity. It usually leads to
self-pity which I definitely don't need. What I do appreciate, though, is
being shown compassion. That is one reason I love Jesus so much. He has
plenty of compassion for me but never pity or sympathy.

This blog is a hodge-podge of random thoughts. I guess, a small sampling of
my thoughts throughout the long days. But, more than anything, I wonder if
it was another test to see if I trust God enough to start writing without so
much as a title to go by. I have to admit that I wonder if these "tests"
will ever end! 

Who is God/Jesus?

Who Is God/Jesus?-It was getting close to the day that I start writing my
blog. However, I had no idea what to write about. One afternoon, while I was
thinking about it, the thought came to me, "Write about Me" Me, of course,
being God. But then I had to ask the Lord what to write about. Here is what
we (Him and I) came up with.

The first thing that God is to me is my Father. Yes, He is mighty, awesome,
holy, etc. All those superlatives And I praise and worship Him for it. Right
now, though, what means most to me is  that, in addition to being my Father,
He is also my Daddy. To me, the word "daddy" has the connotation of somebody
a small child can run to when he or she needs to be comforted. I admit that
I often feel like like a lost, lonely, hurting little girl. At times like
that, I really want some comforting. I am so tempted to e-mail somebody and
whine to that person. I never do, though. I know that no human can give me
comfort that I want and need. How can they when they can't really understand
what I am going through? But the Lord can. And will. Sometimes, I get
comfort from the Bible. Other times, I feel the presence of God so strongly.

And Jesus is my brother. My only brother passed away before I was born so I
have no idea what it is to grow up with a brother. However, after watching
my son with his younger sister, I have some idea of what being a brother
means. Donovan and Heidi bickered a lot, like siblings do but, if somebody
else even looked at Heidi the wrong way, Donovan  was ready to fight. I think that
Jesus is like that. When anyone becomes a born-again Christian, he or she
becomes a sibling of Jesus. Our Big Brother is going to fight for us, no
matter who or what tries to come against us.

Jesus is also my best friend. My definition of a good friend is one who
sticks with you no matter what. Through good and not so good times. I have a
few wonderful friends that fit in that category and I appreciate them very
much. However, wonderful as they are, they simply can't be with me all the
time. Like the middle of the night. But my best friend, Jesus can. In the
Bible, He promised to never or forsake us. I constantly avail myself of that
promise. There are plenty of times when there is nobody else in around to talk
to but Jesus is always there. And I know He loves to hear from me!

Jesus is my future. Of course, my ultimate future is Heaven. And, oh how
glorious that will be! But , thanks to Jesus, I also have a future during
this life here on earth. I know that future means restoration to total health.
Although I have no idea when or how it will come about. Beyond that, I have
no idea what my life will be like. Only that it will be good. I know that, for
now, my part is to wait patiently (easier said than done) for God to work
things out in His way and time.

But Jesus is also my present. Looking at it from a purely human point of
view, my present stinks. Bigtime! However, I do try to see things from God's
point of view. I have to or I would lose my mind. I often think that God
must have planted something in me that I don't see and that is enabling me
to cope day-to-day. I also know that He has given me an enormous amount of
grace just to get through each day. Having said that though, I still have
meltdowns and spells of depression. But, thanks to the grace of God, they
don't last long and, as time goes by,are, I think, less frequent and/or
intense.

I don't think this blog turned out the way I thought it might. However, even though I have a topic for that particular blog, when I start to write, I just write. Whatever comes out, comes out. So this must be what the Holy Spirit wanted me to write about. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow-One afternoon, while I was lying in bed, just vegging and listening
to music, a phrase from a song caught my attention. The words were, "No
matter what tomorrow brings, I will praise the Lord". My first thought was
that, perhaps, I could use those words as the starting point of a blog. Not
too often but at times,I get the inspiration for one of my blogs from one
of the songs that I am listening to. I started to think my tomorrow could be
extremely good extremely bad or the same as it has been for so long. I have
no way of knowing. However, what I do know is this. Whatever tomorrow brings, I will hopefully still be praising the
Lord.

Perhaps tomorrow will be extremely good. For me, the ultimate good would be to be
TOTALLY restored to health. Every part of me. It is what I have hoped and
dreamed about for so long. I always think that I would like to go to sleep
one night and wake up the next morning totally healed. That is not likely to
happen but no happen how my healing comes about, it will be cause to praise
God. Once in awhile, I get a bit concerned that I might be so excited that I
forget to praise and thank God for my healing.

But even just a partial healing would make for a good tomorrow. If I can't
have it all at once, I usually think that I would most like to be able to
talk. To be able to freely converse with people and not always be
misunderstood. I am guessing that my life would be less lonely if I could
talk. And a LOT less frustrating! If I could talk, I could read scriptures
out loud, sing along to my music out loud, pray out loud and best of all,
praise out loud. Being able to talk would definitely be an incentive to
praise God. Not that I should need an incentive.

Another scenario that would make for a good tomorrow would be if I regained
movement. Even if just in my arms and hands. I sometimes think of how much
easier my life would be if I could even just move that much. I could use a
computer like everyone else and, if the power went off and my computer
turned itself off, I could turn it back without needing somebody to do it
for me. To communicate, I could write things down instead of struggling with
that speech board. I could feed myself. Best of all, I could read BOOKS!
Even a limited amount of movement should elicit praise from me.

One other partial healing that would make for a good tomorrow would be if
the symptoms of cancer would leave for good. Right now, they may leave for
awhile but they always come back. But if they didn't, I would have another
reason to praise God.

Unfortunately, there is a flip side to all this. It is entirely possible
that my tomorrow may be worse than my today. I don't feel that it is
possible but I know that it is. For one thing, the symptoms of cancer that I
am feeling could become much more intense. And, on top of all that is wrong
with me, I could develop other health issues. Perhaps, heart problems,
kidney problems, etc. I have always been thankful for my eyesight and
hearing. My life is difficult even with them so I can't even imagine life
without them. There are all sorts of ways that life for me or anybody can
get worse come tomorrow. I have learned that it is easy to praise God when
everything is going the way we want but not so easy when everything is going
wrong. But in times like that, I make myself start to praise God. I figure I can
always praise Him for who He is and His unconditional love for me, no matter
how much the circumstances stink.

Another way that my tomorrow could be worse is death. None of us is
guaranteed tomorrow. Although, for a born-again Christian, death is
definitely not a "worse" . When I die, I will still be praising God. It will
just be in Heaven where everyone else will be praising Him as well.

But I also have to accept that my tomorrow may be no different than my
today. With the same problems and challenges. I have learned, though, that
praising God is vital for me just to get through each long day. If I ease up
on the praise, I am more susceptible to depression. Which, in turn, makes it
more difficult to praise God. So I try to keep a praising atmosphere in my
room. However, at times, my emotions get out of control and then the last
thing I feel like doing is praising God.

As I was writing this blog, the words to a different song came to mind. I
won't even try to quote it exactly but it says that the God of the good
times is the same God in the bad times. That about sums it up. Of course, He
is worthy of all my  praise in the good times. I have to admit though,
that since I became a born-again Christian, there have been more bad times
than good ones. If I just praised in the good times, I probably wouldn't
praise Him too often. But I know He is just as worthy of my praise when
everything goes haywire. Maybe even more. And His deserves my praise in
times like now, when day after day is the same as the previous day and there
is no indication that things will ever change. 

Me Trade? No Way!

Me Trade? No Way!-From time to time, when somebody starts to complain to me
about a cold or some other minor ailment, I tell them that I would trade
places. Invariably, the griping stops pretty quickly. But, difficult as my
life is, I wouldn't trade it with anybody. For several reasons.

A lot of the people that I talk to are not born-again Christians. Unless
they amend their ways and become born-again, all they have to look forward
after death is hell. Not that they know it. But I know that my destiny is
Heaven. I am not jeopardizing that for anything. And that includes physical
comfort in this world. I honestly don't know that I would lose my my salvation if I could trade places
with an unsaved person,  but I am not taking any
chances!

So there is no way that I would trade places with an unsaved person. But,
then, I thought about what I would do if the person who agreed to trade with
me were a born-again Christian. One whose final destiny is the same as mine.
Only their circumstances in this life appear to be less difficult. More
appealing, to be sure, but I would still have to say no. I,  like most
people, am somewhat selfish. I know that when this is over God has a
fantastic plan for my life (though I don't know what). I am not giving it up
just to escape some suffering in this life. Besides, I really want to know
how all this is going to turn out but, if I traded with ANYBODY, I may never
know what would have happened.

Another reason that I I would not trade places with anyone, not even a
born-again Christian, is that there is no way that I am giving up the
intimate relationship that I have with God right now. I have always had a
pretty intimate relationship with God. I have had to because of all the time
I spend alone with nobody to talk with but God. And with God, I don't have
to struggle to make myself understood with the speech board! However, since
the cancer diagnosis, that relationship has become more intimate. At first,
sheer desperation made me turn even more to God. Now that I have calmed down
about that situation, it simply become a habit for me spend even more time
with God. In fact, I have told God that once I am healed and busy again, He
might have to wake me up in this middle of the night just so we can spend
time together like we do now.

Even if I could trade places with somebody, I wouldn't do it. For this reason:
I like to think that my healing will result in a lot of people not going to
hell. Of course, I have no way of knowing that for sure. However, I don't
want take a chance that if I was able to change places with another person
and  I decided to do it, that decision would stop people from going to Heaven
and they would end up in hell. I certainly have no way of knowing that if I
traded, God wouldn't heal that person and use that healing to save people
from hell. All I know is that the suffering that I am going through pales in comparison to what people who go to hell go through. I am not some kind of martyr by any means. What I am is scared of hell-both for myself and for others.

In reality though, this entire blog is  a moot point. I am not able to trade places with anybody and nobody else can trade places with me. We each have our own circumstances to face and with God's help, to overcome.