Blessings

  Blessings-This time, I want to focus on a few of the blessings that are
in
my life RIGHT NOW. By far, the greatest blessing is the presence of the
Lord, through the Holy Spirit, in all aspects of my life. What a comfort to
know that He is always with me, no matter what happens or how I feel.
Another blessing for me has been being able to attend church a couple of
times a week. I find it both refreshing and inspiring. Other people are a
blessing to me as well. Especially those that spend time with me and/or do
specific things for me. Included are my sweet little grandkids. Others, who
I may or may not know, are a blessing by praying for me, especially the ones
that have kept at it all these years. I am also blessed by the staff in
Long-term Care. Because life is not easy for me, I am not always at my best but they just "grin and bear it"! 

I Can’t Be Bothered

I Can't Be Bothered-Lately, I seem to have developed a "I can't be bothered"
attitude to a lot of things. For example, I have always disliked being
called pet names like honey or dear. To me, it is belittling to be talked to
like that by somebody half my age. So I always made it clear not to call me
that. Now, though I still don't like it, I usually just let it pass because
I can't be bothered to react. Another example is when I am talking to
somebody with my speech board they and don't understand what I am trying to
say. There was a time that I would keep trying to make myself understood.
Now, unless it is really important, I can't be bothered. Let them think what
they want. In fact, a lot of times now, I can't even be bothered using the
speech board unless I  need something. I could give plenty examples of my "I
can't be bothered" attitude but you get the point. The good news is that it
hasn't gotten into the "God" areas of my life. I still want to go to church,
I still want to read the Bible and I still want to talk to God. And, for me that is all that really matters. 

Remaining Positive

 Remaining. Positive-Recently,the cancer symptoms here worsened and I am
tempted to yell and scream that it is not fair. Instead, I am TRYING to
remain positive. With God, I know things often get worse before they get
better. I figure that, if the symptoms are getting worse, it must mean that
my deliverance is also getting closer. The main thing that is helping me to
remain positive is the Bible, the word of God. Especially the promises of
God for healing but I do other Bible reading as well. Right now, I feel like
I am facing a brick wall and all I know to do is to keep hitting at that wall
with the word of God until it collapses. Other people also help me to remain
positive, both the ones that share the word of God with me and those that,
for awhile, take my off of what I am facing. Attending church is an
excellent way to keep myself positive. It is hard not to be positive in such
a faith-filled atmosphere. One of my favorite ways to remain positive is by
reading testimonies of people who have beaten cancer. Especially ones with
no medical intervention. Just by claiming healing promises in the Bible, over and over and never giving up. If they can do it, so can I! 

I’m Back!

 I am back! Sort of. My new mouse makes it a lot longer and more tedious
to write anything. So, at least now, I will be limiting myself to very short
blogs. At the end of September, or just before, I made a decision to stay
calm, no matter what. I admit that I am often irritable in the morning so it
doesn't take much to "ruffle my feathers". I suspect that the nurses
frequently think that I am in a bad mood when they get me up. Too often that
has true but, lately, quite often, I am telling myself to stay calm so I
don't get in one! However, one day, the head pad (mouse) was dead. I use it
to operate my computer. Fortunately, I had another one. But it was stiff
and hard to use. Since then, it has been a struggle to operate my computer.
I have had plenty of opportunity to practice that resolve to "stay calm".
Despite a few frustration meltdowns, for the most part, I have been able to stay
calm . It seems that whenever we make a positive decision, circumstances arise that challenge that decision! 

Technical Difficulty

This is Angie, writing on Linda's behalf, asking you for patience for her as she learns to manouver a new head-mouse that she has just begun to use and that is particularly stiff and unmanageable. Her apologies! Thank you so much for continuing to read and respond to Linda's blog. She is so encouraged by you!

No Title

There is no title to this blog because I have no idea what I will be writing
about. While pondering what to write in this blog, I felt that the Holy
Spirit was saying to me to just write. In other words, just wing it. GREAT!
So that is what I am going to do. Start writing and see what comes out.
Hopefully, something good come out but, if nothing at all, there won't be a
blog this week. Simple as that!

I think it is so neat how this Holy Spirit provides encouragement-a from the
most unexpected sources. This past Thursday evening, I decided to watch a
movie. I don't watch a lot of movies but a few. This one was a take on the
story of Noah and the Ark. Not entirely Biblically accurate but enjoyable. In
the scene where an angel talks to Noah about building an ark, the angel
tells Noah not to doubt his faith. It was as if the Holy Spirit was saying
to me, "Don't doubt your faith". Coincidentally, that very morning, I woke
up with more of a sense of doubt than ever.

Over the years, the Holy Spirit has always been there for me. Many a times I
have needed a nurse but, because I can't use a call bell, I have no choice
but to start yelling. However, the nurses are busy and don't always hear me
right away. What I have found, though, is that, if I have the sense to pray, many
times a nurse will be there in next to no time. And there have been times
when I I have been feeling lonely. If I prayed and asked for a visitor, not
every single time but often enough a visitor will walk in. Quite often,
somebody unexpected. And the Holy Spirit is my memory. When I want to
remember something later, I ask the Holy Spirit to remind me and He always
does. At times, He even reminds me of things that I didn't ask to be
reminded of!

In a previous blog, I remember mentioning  enormous grace. I suppose another
word for it is great grace. I often am amazed that I have been able to go
through so much for so long and remained relatively sane. But I know that it
has nothing at all to with me and everything to do with the incredible grace
that God has put on me. Quite often somebody will say to me that they
couldn't do what I am doing. I don't say it but I always think that, of
course, they couldn't because they don't have the grace for it. However, if
any other person had been called to what I am going through, they would have
the enormous grace needed to endure.

I have sometimes thought that it would interesting to know what other people
think of me. I am thinking primarily of the nurses. Most of them are unsaved
but, still, quite a few of them of them read these blogs. So they know that
I believe that God will restore me to perfect health. I wonder. Do they
believe me? Not likely but what do they think? Do they think I am delusional
or, perhaps, brainwashed? Do at least a few of them think that I am in
denial about the cancer? Sometimes, I would dearly love to be a fly on the
wall in their staffroom! Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter what they or
anybody else thinks. All that matters is that I hold to my faith for as long as it
takes.

But it is not just the unsaved nurses that I wonder what they think of me. I
also wonder what Christians think. Most Christians pay lip service to
believing in my healing but how many really do? I know that there are some
Christians that believe in my healing from God as much as I do. On the other
hand, I am not so sure about other Christians. Mostly because of things they
say. Again, though, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks as long as my
thoughts are in line with God.

When I go out in public, I often catch a look of pity from other people. I
know that they don't understand the situation so I just shrug it off. The
truth, though, is the last thing that I need is pity. It usually leads to
self-pity which I definitely don't need. What I do appreciate, though, is
being shown compassion. That is one reason I love Jesus so much. He has
plenty of compassion for me but never pity or sympathy.

This blog is a hodge-podge of random thoughts. I guess, a small sampling of
my thoughts throughout the long days. But, more than anything, I wonder if
it was another test to see if I trust God enough to start writing without so
much as a title to go by. I have to admit that I wonder if these "tests"
will ever end! 

Who is God/Jesus?

Who Is God/Jesus?-It was getting close to the day that I start writing my
blog. However, I had no idea what to write about. One afternoon, while I was
thinking about it, the thought came to me, "Write about Me" Me, of course,
being God. But then I had to ask the Lord what to write about. Here is what
we (Him and I) came up with.

The first thing that God is to me is my Father. Yes, He is mighty, awesome,
holy, etc. All those superlatives And I praise and worship Him for it. Right
now, though, what means most to me is  that, in addition to being my Father,
He is also my Daddy. To me, the word "daddy" has the connotation of somebody
a small child can run to when he or she needs to be comforted. I admit that
I often feel like like a lost, lonely, hurting little girl. At times like
that, I really want some comforting. I am so tempted to e-mail somebody and
whine to that person. I never do, though. I know that no human can give me
comfort that I want and need. How can they when they can't really understand
what I am going through? But the Lord can. And will. Sometimes, I get
comfort from the Bible. Other times, I feel the presence of God so strongly.

And Jesus is my brother. My only brother passed away before I was born so I
have no idea what it is to grow up with a brother. However, after watching
my son with his younger sister, I have some idea of what being a brother
means. Donovan and Heidi bickered a lot, like siblings do but, if somebody
else even looked at Heidi the wrong way, Donovan  was ready to fight. I think that
Jesus is like that. When anyone becomes a born-again Christian, he or she
becomes a sibling of Jesus. Our Big Brother is going to fight for us, no
matter who or what tries to come against us.

Jesus is also my best friend. My definition of a good friend is one who
sticks with you no matter what. Through good and not so good times. I have a
few wonderful friends that fit in that category and I appreciate them very
much. However, wonderful as they are, they simply can't be with me all the
time. Like the middle of the night. But my best friend, Jesus can. In the
Bible, He promised to never or forsake us. I constantly avail myself of that
promise. There are plenty of times when there is nobody else in around to talk
to but Jesus is always there. And I know He loves to hear from me!

Jesus is my future. Of course, my ultimate future is Heaven. And, oh how
glorious that will be! But , thanks to Jesus, I also have a future during
this life here on earth. I know that future means restoration to total health.
Although I have no idea when or how it will come about. Beyond that, I have
no idea what my life will be like. Only that it will be good. I know that, for
now, my part is to wait patiently (easier said than done) for God to work
things out in His way and time.

But Jesus is also my present. Looking at it from a purely human point of
view, my present stinks. Bigtime! However, I do try to see things from God's
point of view. I have to or I would lose my mind. I often think that God
must have planted something in me that I don't see and that is enabling me
to cope day-to-day. I also know that He has given me an enormous amount of
grace just to get through each day. Having said that though, I still have
meltdowns and spells of depression. But, thanks to the grace of God, they
don't last long and, as time goes by,are, I think, less frequent and/or
intense.

I don't think this blog turned out the way I thought it might. However, even though I have a topic for that particular blog, when I start to write, I just write. Whatever comes out, comes out. So this must be what the Holy Spirit wanted me to write about. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow-One afternoon, while I was lying in bed, just vegging and listening
to music, a phrase from a song caught my attention. The words were, "No
matter what tomorrow brings, I will praise the Lord". My first thought was
that, perhaps, I could use those words as the starting point of a blog. Not
too often but at times,I get the inspiration for one of my blogs from one
of the songs that I am listening to. I started to think my tomorrow could be
extremely good extremely bad or the same as it has been for so long. I have
no way of knowing. However, what I do know is this. Whatever tomorrow brings, I will hopefully still be praising the
Lord.

Perhaps tomorrow will be extremely good. For me, the ultimate good would be to be
TOTALLY restored to health. Every part of me. It is what I have hoped and
dreamed about for so long. I always think that I would like to go to sleep
one night and wake up the next morning totally healed. That is not likely to
happen but no happen how my healing comes about, it will be cause to praise
God. Once in awhile, I get a bit concerned that I might be so excited that I
forget to praise and thank God for my healing.

But even just a partial healing would make for a good tomorrow. If I can't
have it all at once, I usually think that I would most like to be able to
talk. To be able to freely converse with people and not always be
misunderstood. I am guessing that my life would be less lonely if I could
talk. And a LOT less frustrating! If I could talk, I could read scriptures
out loud, sing along to my music out loud, pray out loud and best of all,
praise out loud. Being able to talk would definitely be an incentive to
praise God. Not that I should need an incentive.

Another scenario that would make for a good tomorrow would be if I regained
movement. Even if just in my arms and hands. I sometimes think of how much
easier my life would be if I could even just move that much. I could use a
computer like everyone else and, if the power went off and my computer
turned itself off, I could turn it back without needing somebody to do it
for me. To communicate, I could write things down instead of struggling with
that speech board. I could feed myself. Best of all, I could read BOOKS!
Even a limited amount of movement should elicit praise from me.

One other partial healing that would make for a good tomorrow would be if
the symptoms of cancer would leave for good. Right now, they may leave for
awhile but they always come back. But if they didn't, I would have another
reason to praise God.

Unfortunately, there is a flip side to all this. It is entirely possible
that my tomorrow may be worse than my today. I don't feel that it is
possible but I know that it is. For one thing, the symptoms of cancer that I
am feeling could become much more intense. And, on top of all that is wrong
with me, I could develop other health issues. Perhaps, heart problems,
kidney problems, etc. I have always been thankful for my eyesight and
hearing. My life is difficult even with them so I can't even imagine life
without them. There are all sorts of ways that life for me or anybody can
get worse come tomorrow. I have learned that it is easy to praise God when
everything is going the way we want but not so easy when everything is going
wrong. But in times like that, I make myself start to praise God. I figure I can
always praise Him for who He is and His unconditional love for me, no matter
how much the circumstances stink.

Another way that my tomorrow could be worse is death. None of us is
guaranteed tomorrow. Although, for a born-again Christian, death is
definitely not a "worse" . When I die, I will still be praising God. It will
just be in Heaven where everyone else will be praising Him as well.

But I also have to accept that my tomorrow may be no different than my
today. With the same problems and challenges. I have learned, though, that
praising God is vital for me just to get through each long day. If I ease up
on the praise, I am more susceptible to depression. Which, in turn, makes it
more difficult to praise God. So I try to keep a praising atmosphere in my
room. However, at times, my emotions get out of control and then the last
thing I feel like doing is praising God.

As I was writing this blog, the words to a different song came to mind. I
won't even try to quote it exactly but it says that the God of the good
times is the same God in the bad times. That about sums it up. Of course, He
is worthy of all my  praise in the good times. I have to admit though,
that since I became a born-again Christian, there have been more bad times
than good ones. If I just praised in the good times, I probably wouldn't
praise Him too often. But I know He is just as worthy of my praise when
everything goes haywire. Maybe even more. And His deserves my praise in
times like now, when day after day is the same as the previous day and there
is no indication that things will ever change. 

Me Trade? No Way!

Me Trade? No Way!-From time to time, when somebody starts to complain to me
about a cold or some other minor ailment, I tell them that I would trade
places. Invariably, the griping stops pretty quickly. But, difficult as my
life is, I wouldn't trade it with anybody. For several reasons.

A lot of the people that I talk to are not born-again Christians. Unless
they amend their ways and become born-again, all they have to look forward
after death is hell. Not that they know it. But I know that my destiny is
Heaven. I am not jeopardizing that for anything. And that includes physical
comfort in this world. I honestly don't know that I would lose my my salvation if I could trade places
with an unsaved person,  but I am not taking any
chances!

So there is no way that I would trade places with an unsaved person. But,
then, I thought about what I would do if the person who agreed to trade with
me were a born-again Christian. One whose final destiny is the same as mine.
Only their circumstances in this life appear to be less difficult. More
appealing, to be sure, but I would still have to say no. I,  like most
people, am somewhat selfish. I know that when this is over God has a
fantastic plan for my life (though I don't know what). I am not giving it up
just to escape some suffering in this life. Besides, I really want to know
how all this is going to turn out but, if I traded with ANYBODY, I may never
know what would have happened.

Another reason that I I would not trade places with anyone, not even a
born-again Christian, is that there is no way that I am giving up the
intimate relationship that I have with God right now. I have always had a
pretty intimate relationship with God. I have had to because of all the time
I spend alone with nobody to talk with but God. And with God, I don't have
to struggle to make myself understood with the speech board! However, since
the cancer diagnosis, that relationship has become more intimate. At first,
sheer desperation made me turn even more to God. Now that I have calmed down
about that situation, it simply become a habit for me spend even more time
with God. In fact, I have told God that once I am healed and busy again, He
might have to wake me up in this middle of the night just so we can spend
time together like we do now.

Even if I could trade places with somebody, I wouldn't do it. For this reason:
I like to think that my healing will result in a lot of people not going to
hell. Of course, I have no way of knowing that for sure. However, I don't
want take a chance that if I was able to change places with another person
and  I decided to do it, that decision would stop people from going to Heaven
and they would end up in hell. I certainly have no way of knowing that if I
traded, God wouldn't heal that person and use that healing to save people
from hell. All I know is that the suffering that I am going through pales in comparison to what people who go to hell go through. I am not some kind of martyr by any means. What I am is scared of hell-both for myself and for others.

In reality though, this entire blog is  a moot point. I am not able to trade places with anybody and nobody else can trade places with me. We each have our own circumstances to face and with God's help, to overcome. 

Stayed on the Lord

Stayed On The Lord-I am basing this blog on Isaiah 26:3. Particularly the
last part of verse that refers to being stayed on the Lord. Being stayed
means remaining firm. So my thoughts need to remain firm in Him. I also read
other translations of the same verse to see what other words that are used
to connote the same meaning as stayed.

One word that is used is "steadfast". Steadfastness is certainly something I
need to complete this "journey" that I am on. Another translation mentions
depending on God. Depending on God is not a big problem for me. Not when I
can't do anything on my own and, most times, there is no other person around
to depend on. However, the translations that most caught my attention are
the ones that mention focusing or fixing our thoughts on God. Keeping my
thoughts fixed on God has always been a challenge for me. Because of all the
long hours that I have to fill up every single day. Having said that,
though, in another way, I think it is easier than for other people. I don't
have so many other distractions that pull my attention away from God. Even
good things like family, job, etc.

In this blog, I thought that I would share the things that I am doing to
keep my thoughts fixed on God. To start each day, I have what I call my
"quiet time" for about 15 minutes. Before I get up and before I have music
playing. I imagine I am a peaceful place like a forest with birds chirping
and a bubbling brook. To keep my mind from wandering, I pray quietly in
tongues.

Once I am up and using my computer, the very first thing I do is read the
Bible. I read it the Bible a lot. The best way that I know to keep my
thoughts focused on God is by reading what He has to say in the Bible. I do
the main part of my Bible reading before I even check my e-mail. However, I
also usually do a bit of reading in the evening. I like to watch sporting
events on tv in the evenings. I have gotten in the habit of, during
intermissions, reading some scriptures on various topiss. From time to time, I read
scripture simply because that is what I feel like doing.

Prayer also helps to keep my thoughts on God. It is pretty rude to not be
thinking about the One you are talking to! Still, I sometimes catch my mind
wandering and I have to jerk it back to where it should be. I find that it
is, or could be, even more of a problem when I am praying in tongues. It is
too easy to babble on and on while my mind is a million miles away. I find that
the best time to keep my thoughts focused on God in prayer is when I am just
talking to Him like I would to a human friend.

Worship is a good way to keep my thoughts fixed on God where they should be.
At church,it is pretty easy to worship God when everyone else is doing the
same thing. Although it can be frustrating to listen others singing freely
and raising their hands to our great God while all I can do is sit there and
let out grunts and groans. But I know that that is enough for God so I close
my eyes and offer worship to Him the best that I can. However I know that
worshiping God is even more important when I am in Long-term Care and the
atmosphere is anything but worshipful. I readily admit that, right now, I
often don't have the energy to emit audible grunts and groans. But that
doesn't stop me from singing worship songs to the Lord in my mind. Which, in
turn, helps to keep my mind focused on Him.

I know I talk about my music a lot but it really does help to keep God
foremost in my thoughts. Especially in the afternoons when I rest in bed and
can't use my computer. After a morning of using it, I am tired. So, in the
afternoons, I like to lie in bed with my eyes closed and listen to the
lyrics of music. Because almost all of it is Christian and glorifies God, it
is a good way for me to keep my thoughts fixed on God. Admittedly, from
time to time, I catch my thoughts wandering. Then it is up to me to get them
back on my music.

An important thing in keeping my thoughts fixed on God is the writing of
these blogs. To a greater or lesser extent, ALL  of my blogs talk about God,
Jesus and/or the Holy Spirit. And writing these blogs takes up a
considerable length of time so each blog is a significant period of time
that I don't have to struggle to keep my thoughts focused on God. They are
centered on Him anyway. I did not initially want to write these blogs but
I am finding that writing them is beneficial to me in several ways. Not the
least of which is keeping my thoughts set on God and not flying
helter-skelter all over.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Isaiah 26:3. The verse basically says that God will give us peace if we keep our minds "stayed" on Him. By experience, I have found that to be true. As long as my thoughts are focused on God, I feel calm and relaxed. However, times when I start to feel agitated and restless, if I check my thoughts, they are not fixed on God like they should be. 

To Quit or Not To Quit

To Quit Or Not To Quit- I have always told myself that giving up, or
quitting, is not an option for me. However, upon reflection I realize that
over the years I have had to quit with some things.

First of all, I have had to quit trying to figure everything out. Actually,
the Holy Spirit dealt with me about that. One day, I felt like He was telling
me to do something. I don't even remember what that something was. But I do
remember what my response was. I told the Holy Spirit that I didn't
understand. He made it VERY clear to me that I hadn't been called to
understand but to obey. Ever since then, whenever I feel that the Holy
Spirit is telling me to do something, I think "Yes, Sir" and do it without
question.

Hand in hand with this, I have had to give up delayed obedience.
Although, delayed obedience has never been much of a problem for me. I know
that if I don't do it right away, especially if it is something that I don't
particularly want to do, I will keep putting it off until eventually I
will forget all about it. Whenever I am told to do something, and l know for
sure that it is from the Holy Spirit, I just do it before I have time to
think about it.

Another thing that I have learned to quit is worrying and fretting about the
future. I know that what will happen, will happen so there is no point
worrying about it. However, I also know that I haven't yet gained mastery
over worry. Too often I catch myself fretting over something. Usually
nothing major, like my future, but little day-to-day concerns.

I have had to learn to quit on discontentment. For the most part, I have
learned to be content to be still (I have had no choice) and let God do what
He is going to. However, I do at times question His timing, which shows
that I still haven't totally overcome discontentment. One other thing that
often brings on discontentment is when I am trying to communicate with
somebody about something and I can't make that person understand.

Still, though, there are some things that I WILL NOT quit. I will never quit
having hope for complete restoration to health in this life. That hope has
carried me through a lot of long, difficult years. After getting over the initial shock of being diagnosed with cancer,
I simply dug my  heels in even more and refuse to give in to either the
cancer or everything else that is wrong with me. I do however have days
when it all seems to be too much for me.

I will not quit on reading and meditating on the Bible, the Word of God.
Over the years, I have read the entire Bible several times and, certain
passages, even more than that. However, I have no intention of quitting. My
pastor always says that we are leaky vessels so I need to keep reading to
replace the stuff that keeps leaking out of me. Besides, just about
everytime I read the Bible, I see something that I never saw before. I also
know that it will be the Word of God that brings my healing to the outside
where it can be seen. So I continue to stuff myself full of healing
scriptures.

I will not quit on praying. I admit that most of (though not all) of my formal praying is done at church. For the most part, I just talk to God in my mind all day long. Like one might do with a human friend. If prayer is communication with God, then that is prayer. He has heard it all from me. The good, the bad and the ugly. But there is another component to prayer. And that is God, through the Holy Spirit, talking to us. I love those times. I babble so much to God that I sometimes wonder if He can get a word in edgewise. However, when the Holy Spirit wants to talk to me, He gets my attention.

I will not quit on giving praise to God. I know that He is worthy of it ALL the time, no matter how I feel. Sometimes, all I can do is praise through the tears and that is ok. However, I also know that praise is a spiritual weapon that God has given to help us fight our battles. An example. When a symptom of the cancer tries to come on me, I think "Praise God" and it will go away. But I have to keep at it. Those symptoms will keep trying to come back.

I will not not quit attending church. Yes, it  is an excuse to get out of Long-term Care, but it is much more than that to me. The main reason that I don't miss church unless I absolutely have no choice is that I know that the Holy Spirit speaks through the pastor and I don't want to risk missing something God is speaking to me through him. I know that there are lots of good speakers that I could listen to online or on tv. But those speakers don't know me so I think it is less likely that the Holy Spirit will give them something that I specifically need to hear.

There you have it. Things I have quit, or need to quit but also a few things that I don't dare quit.