I Wonder

  I Wonder-My life is what it is. I know that. I also know that it is
playing out according to God's plan, whatever that may be. So, I seldom
waste time thinking about "what ifs" and wondering about how my could here
been different. Once in awhile, though, I indulge in such idle speculations.
Today being one of those days.

One thing that I sometimes wonder is what my life would have been like if I
had not had the stroke. Assuming that, by now, I would be retired from
teaching, what would the intervening years have brought? Would I still be
living in Cold Lake? Would I still be married to my husband? Most
importantly, would I even be a Christian now? Would God have used some other
way to get my attention or would I, like so many people,be merrily going my
own way and doing my own thing, never giving God a thought until it is too
late? Futile questions with no answers.

I also sometimes wonder what if that young man had not come into my room,
told me about Jesus and initiated my salvation, or becoming a Christian. At
the time, I was depressed most of the time, suicidal. I wonder if any human
could live long under such hopeless conditions. Even if I had gone on
living, rather existing, I doubt that I would be sane anymore. But, praise
God. He has given me hope and the gumption to keep going.

I wonder if, after the stroke and after the complications, how different my
life would have been if I could have still spoken. For one thing, it would
have meant a LOT fewer frustrations, both for myself and others, over the
years. For another, I suspect that my relationships with other people would
be better if I could freely speak with them. And I could sing! Sometimes,
when I
am listening to my music, I want to sing along but all that comes out are
grunts and groans. I am guessing, though, that, if I had been able to speak
all along, I would take it for granted instead of seeing it as a precious
gift from God like I now do.

At other times, I wonder if, even if I was paralyzed and could not speak, my
arms and hands still worked. My life would sure be easier. I would be able
to use my computer like other people. The afternoons when I have to rest in
bed, I could read. Communication would not be such a problem as I could
simply write down what I wanted to say. I would be able to feed myself. I
scratch itches and shoo bugs. And so on and on. However like the saying,
"You never know what you have until it is gone", I will certainly appreciate
movement a lot more after I get it back.

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to be an ordinary person living an
ordinary life. By now, I have pretty much forgotten. I hear the nurses
talking about such mundane things as what they are going to cook for supper
or what they have to do after work or whatever. At times, I can't help
wondering what it must be like to get up, go to work and, basically, just to
live life.

Finally, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a "normal"
Christian. What would it be like to take myself to church or to visit with
people before service? During the service, what would it be like to actually
sing, to dance, to clap or to raise my hands? What would it be like to do
something in the church to help out? Things like teaching Sunday school,
working in the nursery, etc. One thing I do believe, though, is that is
easier for me to remain a Christian than for most "normal" Christians. For
two reasons. I have more time to spend with God and fewer things to distract
me from Him.

I suppose, though, most people have times when they wonder what life would
be like for them if circumstances were different. The only thing any of us
can do, though, is to understand that God knows what is best for us and to
hang on while He works out His plan for us in His way and time.