Amazed

  Amazed-Taking the meaning of amazed as being filled with wonder or
surprise or astonishment, I started thinking of things that have amazed me
in the past and/or amazing me in the present or will amaze me in the future.

The most amazing thing in my life, past, present and future, is God. I was
totally amazed to discover that there really is a God. One that wants to
have a personal relationship with each one of us. I grew up knowing about
God but He was pretty much an abstract concept who had no relativity to my
day to day life. But the day that young man prayed for me to receive Jesus
as my Savior, everything changed. As I felt the heavy load being taken off
my shoulders, I knew the reality of God. For the first time in a long time I
had hope. Hope of healing. No doctor can help me but God can. Since then, my
hope has dimmed a little but it is still there. Over the years, I have gone
through a lot and many "meltdowns" but I can honestly say that, even in the
middle of a severe meltdown, I have never denied the reality of God or His
presence in my life. Even after all these years, I am still amazed that
there really is a God. But God will be in my future too. For sure, when I
get to Heaven and see Him face to face. What a day that will be!

Another thing that has amazed me in the past, and still amazes me is me. I
better clarify that statement. I am constantly amazed that I have been able
to hang on for so long. That is all God's doing, though, and none of mine.
On my own, I would have caved in long ago. In fact, quite often, I ask God
how He is keeping me going.

People amaze me. Both for the good and the bad. It always amazes me what
some people will do for other people, usually with nothing in return. People
like Mother Theresa and countless others who give up everything to help out
people who can't help themselves. On a smaller, personal level it is just as
amazing what some people will do for me. I have a friend who, along with her
husband, bought a specially-adapted van just so I could go out-of-town. And
I must mention the time some friends had me over for a sleepover. It was
amazing how much they must have planned to make it work. Just as amazing are
the nurses who, on their own time, came to put me to bed and get me in the
morning. I must mention the man who looks after my finances. If there is a
problem, he works tirelessly to get it sorted out. I can't repay these
people but they do it anyway.

Unfortunately, there is a flip side as well. I don't watch the news but,
most days, I do check the headlines on my computer. It always astonishes me
how cruel people can be to other people. There doesn't seem to be much sense
to it. Even if people are not Christians, that still doesn't explain the
need for such barbaric acts.

Nature amazes me. Before the stroke, I enjoyed being out in nature but it
didn't amaze me like it does now. On the rare occasions that I do get
outside, I usually end up thinking what a beautiful world this must have
been before God put people in it to make a mess of it! Seriously, though, I
do see God in all of nature now. Sometimes I watch nature shows on tv. It
never fails to amaze me how God has put in every creature exactly what they
need to survive in the environment that He has put them in.

These are just a few of the things that I am amazed at. I am sure that I
could probably think of more if I tried. But, by far, I am most amazed that
there really is a God who loves each one of us a lot. 

I Wonder

  I Wonder-My life is what it is. I know that. I also know that it is
playing out according to God's plan, whatever that may be. So, I seldom
waste time thinking about "what ifs" and wondering about how my could here
been different. Once in awhile, though, I indulge in such idle speculations.
Today being one of those days.

One thing that I sometimes wonder is what my life would have been like if I
had not had the stroke. Assuming that, by now, I would be retired from
teaching, what would the intervening years have brought? Would I still be
living in Cold Lake? Would I still be married to my husband? Most
importantly, would I even be a Christian now? Would God have used some other
way to get my attention or would I, like so many people,be merrily going my
own way and doing my own thing, never giving God a thought until it is too
late? Futile questions with no answers.

I also sometimes wonder what if that young man had not come into my room,
told me about Jesus and initiated my salvation, or becoming a Christian. At
the time, I was depressed most of the time, suicidal. I wonder if any human
could live long under such hopeless conditions. Even if I had gone on
living, rather existing, I doubt that I would be sane anymore. But, praise
God. He has given me hope and the gumption to keep going.

I wonder if, after the stroke and after the complications, how different my
life would have been if I could have still spoken. For one thing, it would
have meant a LOT fewer frustrations, both for myself and others, over the
years. For another, I suspect that my relationships with other people would
be better if I could freely speak with them. And I could sing! Sometimes,
when I
am listening to my music, I want to sing along but all that comes out are
grunts and groans. I am guessing, though, that, if I had been able to speak
all along, I would take it for granted instead of seeing it as a precious
gift from God like I now do.

At other times, I wonder if, even if I was paralyzed and could not speak, my
arms and hands still worked. My life would sure be easier. I would be able
to use my computer like other people. The afternoons when I have to rest in
bed, I could read. Communication would not be such a problem as I could
simply write down what I wanted to say. I would be able to feed myself. I
scratch itches and shoo bugs. And so on and on. However like the saying,
"You never know what you have until it is gone", I will certainly appreciate
movement a lot more after I get it back.

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to be an ordinary person living an
ordinary life. By now, I have pretty much forgotten. I hear the nurses
talking about such mundane things as what they are going to cook for supper
or what they have to do after work or whatever. At times, I can't help
wondering what it must be like to get up, go to work and, basically, just to
live life.

Finally, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a "normal"
Christian. What would it be like to take myself to church or to visit with
people before service? During the service, what would it be like to actually
sing, to dance, to clap or to raise my hands? What would it be like to do
something in the church to help out? Things like teaching Sunday school,
working in the nursery, etc. One thing I do believe, though, is that is
easier for me to remain a Christian than for most "normal" Christians. For
two reasons. I have more time to spend with God and fewer things to distract
me from Him.

I suppose, though, most people have times when they wonder what life would
be like for them if circumstances were different. The only thing any of us
can do, though, is to understand that God knows what is best for us and to
hang on while He works out His plan for us in His way and time. 

Observations

 Observations-I have been pretty out of touch with the world for a lot of
years. However, whether it is on tv or one of the few times when I have gone
somewhere other than to church, I have made some observations on the state
of the world. At least, in our North American society.

My first observation is that people, in general, are obsessed with 3 things.
Money, appearance and sex.

Of course, we all need money to live on. Even I need a certain amount of
money. But, it seems to me, there are lot of people who want a lot more
money than they actually need to lead a comfortable life. I have heard so
many
people wishing that they could win the lottery. I suspect that these
lotteries are helping to make the obsession with money worse. I suppose
having a lot of money, no matter how it comes (as long it legal), is not
necessarily a bad thing,
depending how it it is used. But it is an obsession when people keep wanting
more and more of it to stockpile in the bank. Another observation that I
have made in regards to the excessive craving for money are the people who
are half-killing themselves, working two or three jobs, just to have more
money to put in the bank or spend on possessions. Unfortunately, too often
it is at the expense of their family. If they understood that we can't take
money or possessions with us, I suspect it would be different.

Another obsession that people have is with their looks. And everything seem
to be feeding that obsession. Fad diets, face creams to "make you look
younger", the latest styles, etc. People are so busy trying to fix up their
outsides and neglecting the people they are on the inside. While, I am sure,
God doesn't want us to look like slobs if we can help it, He is much more
concerned about the people we are inwardly. Things like being born-again
Christians, getting rid of stinky attitudes, developing godly attributes,
etc.

A third obsession that I have observed in our society is with sex. It sex,
sex, sex in everything. I watch a lot of tv to help pass time. However, I
limit myself mostly to sports, with an occasional documentary or game show,
simply because it is almost impossible to find a sitcom or movie without
strong sexual innuendos, if not blatant sex scenes. Sex also seems overly
prevelent in people's conversations.  Especially when it comes to making
jokes. I seem to hear very few jokes that don't have some reference to sex.
I have to admit that it is sometimes hard not get caught up in it or, at
least, laugh at comments that I know I should not be laughing at. God
made sex. I know that. But, somehow, I doubt He intended sex to become so
public.

A second observation that I have made is in regards to all this technology.
One thing that I have observed is that, because of social media or whatever,
people don't spend as much time together as they used to. Somehow, to me,
that seems rather sad. Another observation that I have made is that some
people seem to be downright addicted to their phones. Nobody can have a
conversation with them without them checking their phones several times
during the conversation. I also wonder what effect all this technology is
having on children. Even though there are some really good educational
materials out there, I wonder if excessive time in front of "screens" is
limiting the children's scope of imagination. How much imagination does it
require when everything is on the screen in front of the child? Having said
all that, though, I suspect that all this technology, at any age, is like
anything else. Good unless it is carried to excess.

My final observation is how much the morals of our society have degenerated
since I had the stroke. Not that they were the greatest back then, either. I
don't watch the news on tv but, most days, I do check the headlines on my
computer so I have some idea of what is going on in this world. All the
murders, suicides and terrorist attacks make me sad because it shows how
little value people put on human lives. Both of others and their own. But I
guess that is what happens when you take God out of the picture. Of course,
their were gay relationships before the stroke but they were kept rather
"hush-hush", not out in the open like they are now. I can't get over how,
now, when people hear about that sort of relationship, they don't seem to
think anything of it. Back then, sex before marriage was common as well but
people didn't openly live together without being married like they do now.
And they certainly didn't have children without being married.

But, for Christians, Jesus has become a buffer between them and the world.
Not that He takes Christians, most anyway, out of the world but He gives us
His values and priorities to replace those of the environment around us. 

Throw-Way-Back Pics - Childhood

I'm usually the smallest one in every picture.

Throwback Pic - Me at my Baptism

Memories

  Memories-I was thinking that about all I have from my pre-stroke days
are my
memories. Today, I thought that I might just share some of my random
memories.

My very first memory isn't even a memory. More like an impression. I had
pneumonia when I was three. I have a vague impression of people in white.
Nurses in the hospital, I guess. (Back then, I am sure nurses wore white) In
my next memory, I would have been four. One of my sisters is two years older
than me. She was starting Grade 1. My mother sent her to school in a new
pair of jeans and she came back with them completely ripped up the seam. And
I have no idea why I remember that! One school memory I have was when I was
in grade 2. I went to a one-room school and they only had one small desk.
They gave it to me because I was smaller than all the kids in grade 1. I was
so
insulted by that! The last childhood memory that I will share is "the frog
pond". My mother worked hard but, during the summer, she would go with us
kids to the frog pond. She would rest under a tree while  we caught frogs.
Because we always put them back unharmed, the frogs, more or less, got to
the point that they just let us pick them up. There are many more childhood
memories that I could share but I won't. I seem to be getting like a lot of
older people. Memories of my childhood are more vivid than more recent ones.

Then there are the memories that have from grade 6 through high school. For
the first time in my life, I started grade 6 in a city school (Medicine
Hat). Of course, that took some adjusting. What I clearly remember, though,
is skating. After we moved to Medicine Hat, I learned to skate and, aside
from reading, that is how I spent a lot of my time. There was an outdoors
rink close to where we lived. Everytime it was open to public skating, I was
there. If I remember right, it cost something like 15 cents! I was very shy
in junior and senior high so I don't have any stand-out memories. However, I
do remember having to wear dresses, a far cry from how kids dress for school
these days. Then there were our Sunday afternoon drives. Even when I was in
junior high, most Sunday afternoons we would all pile in the car and go for
a drive. I do have one bad memory from that time. When I was in grade 11,my
father died of a heart attack 3 days before Christmas.

University memories. At university, I finally came out of my shell . I had a
good time and did silly things like most university students do. However,
because I had to pay my own way through university, I didn't dare fool
around too much. Fortunately, I had a roommate who also took her studies
seriously. We had a good time together but we also knew when it was time to
buckle down and hit the books. But university days don't last forever. One
memory I have is after my last year, before I moved to Cold Lake. My friend
and I took the train to Nova Scotia. We also spent some time in PEI. That
was the biggest trip that I have taken but, then, I have spent a lot of my
life in either a hospital or Long-term care.

Once I moved to Cold Lake to start teaching, my life was as "normal" as it
ever was. At least, until I had the stroke. I was 22 when I came to Cold
Lake, met my future husband here, got married when I was 24 and had a couple
of kids. Pretty routine stuff. It was here in Cold Lake that I learned to
curl. I enjoyed it very much and continued it until I had the stroke.
Unfortunately, when I was first pregnant with my daughter, my mother passed
away from a stroke.

But, I have some post-stroke memories as well. I am not even going to try to
bring up memories of the time of the stroke or the period of time
thereafter. My very best post-stroke memory is when I got saved, or became a
Christian. Try as I might, though, I cannot recall the exact date. I know
that it was September of 1985 but I have no idea of the day. What I never
will forget is the feeling like a heavy burden had been lifted off of my
shoulder when he prayed. I was excited, so excited. The first  little while,
I barely noticed the yucky stuff all around me. I was too caught up in
Jesus. Since then, though, it has been some really good times (high school
grads for my kids, my daughter's wedding, trips to Edmonton to see my
grandson, day trips to Lloydminster, etc.), some really bad times (meltdown
days) and a whole lot of extremely blah days. But, no matter what each day
holds, I know I can count on Jesus to go through it with me.