Frustration

    -When I got the idea to write about frustration, my first
thought was that I have written about it already. But, oh well. Either I
will just repeat myself or I may come up with some different things to say
about frustration.

Lots of things frustrate me but, upon thinking on it, I came up with three
major sources of frustration for me. The first would the inability to
communicate properly. As God pointed out to me awhile ago, that speech board
of mine really is a blessing as it allows me to tell a nurse when I need
something. But it is really, really frustrating for me to try to hold a
conversation with it. Some people struggle just to spell out the words. I
will repeat what I the word I am trying to spell out a few times but,
eventually, frustration takes over and I spell out, "never mind ". Very
frustrating for me is when I am trying to talk to somebody and other people,
trying to be helpful, keep interrupting and guessing what I am going to say.
I know that they are trying to make it faster for me but, unless they are
correct, it takes even longer. Another reason that it frustrates me to have
other people chime in is that it breaks my concentration. It takes a lot of
concentration to spell out each word letter-by-letter. Equally frustrating
are people who, when I am talking to them, will never let me finish but,
more or less, put words in my mouth. To be honest, unless it is important
that they get it right, it is often less frustrating for me just to let them
think whatever. It pretty frustrating to never be able to take part in
conversations going on around me. I have gotten so frustrated with this
speech board that, unless I need something, I mostly just use it with people
who use it well. Not because of the people who struggle with the board but
because I don't trust myself.

I could go on and on about the frustration of not being able to speak but
let's turn to my second source of frustration. That is my computer. I love
my computer and am lost without it but it can also be a real source of
frustration. Of course, I have the same frustrations as everybody when the
computer seems to have a mind of its own and doesn't do what I want it to
do. But, I have other frustrations as well. One is power failures. My
computer turns itself off and doesn't come back on when the power does. I
can turn my computer off on my own but I can't turn it on. So I have to
holler until somebody hears and turns it back on for me. Another frustration
for me is how long it takes me to do anything. I am ok with puttering along
at my own
speed until someone uses my computer and I see how quickly they zip around.
I think the most frustrating thing for me might be how long it takes me to
move the cursor around.

When I really think about it, though, most of the frustrations I feel arise
from the fact that, aside from thinking, there is nothing I can do on my
own. I can't scratch when I get an itch. I can't shoo mosquitoes or flies
when they are buzzing around my head. If my music starts to skip or stick, I
can't turn it off. If I get sore, I can't change position to alleviate the
soreness. When I want to get something done, no matter how trivial, I always
have to wait until someone can do it for me. You get the picture. I am one
big ball of frustration right now.

I have been going through a lot for a long time and I admit that my
frustration point is pretty low by now. Years ago, somebody said to me that
it is a sin to be frustrated. Perhaps it is. All I know is I feel
frustrated. So how do I cope with all this frustration? On my own I can't. I
feel frustrated and get angry or cry or, usually,both until it dawns me that
a hissy fit won't change anything. It just gives me a snotty nose which I
can't wipe! So I calm down and I keep on keeping on. But, like the
scriptures say, God gives me strength. Strength to cast off the fits of
frustration and to carry on.

The Love Of God

  -One day, I was wondering what to write about for my next
blog when the thought came to me, "Tell them that I love them". I knew that
it was God speaking to me through His Holy Spirit. So I say to anybody who
is reading this that God loves YOU. Knowing that God loves me has had a
stabalizing effect on me. There are a few aspects of God's love that mean a
lot to me.

First, God's love is all-encompassing. God loves every, single person-from
the Queen to a little child starving in Africa. And everybody in between.
That includes ME! I find it mind-boggling to be loved by the Almighty God.
God does not love everything that we do, but that doesn't change the
fact that God loves people.

The second thing about the love of God is that it is eternal. Human love has
a starting point and, judging by all the divorces, all too often has an
ending point. But the love of God goes on and on and on and on...

The love of God is unconditional. Too often, human love has its conditions.
It implies that, if you do this or don't do that, then I will love you. But
the love of God is not the same as human love. There is nothing we can to do
to make Him love us more and nothing, absolutely nothing, that we can or
cannot do to make Him love us less.

The love of God is unchanging. He loves us just as much when we are doing
things that don't please Him as when He is happy with us. Kind of like human
parents. We love our children just as much when we are punishing them as
when they are making us happy with them.

Finally, God's love is totally unselfish. What can be more unselfish than
having His Son die on a cross for us? When I was first a Christian, I used to
wonder if I could let my own son die for other people. The answer is a
resounding "NO"!

Having established that God loves us, all of us, all of the time, doesn't mean,
though, that we will all be going to heaven. God does have a few conditions
for that. It is really pretty simple. Pray and ask Jesus to forgive your
sins and come to live in your heart. But you have to really mean it because
Jesus will know if it is just words or if you genuinely mean it. 

Anchors

Anchors-Taking the meaning of anchor as "source of stability or security", I
am going to mention some anchors in my life. First, though, I would like
mention some of the things that my life is not anchored  in.

My life is certainly not anchored in wealth and possessions. The truth is that it would be pointless to use wealth and possessions as my security
when I really don't have any. I have enough money for my needs but I
am far from rich. As for possessions, I have almost nothing of any value.
Besides, I know very well that wealth and possessions come and go. You have
them one day and they are gone the next. I would be foolish to get my
security out of something so unstable. Even if, at present, I had them!

My life is also not anchored in people. Of course, I appreciate the
encouragement and the prayers of friends but they are just people. People,
no matter how good friends, can, and sometimes will, let you down. I want to
have my security in something or somebody who I know for sure is always
going to be there for me.

My life is not anchored in feelings either. As I mentioned in a previous
blog, my emotions go up and down like a yo-yo. So, if I  set my anchor on
feelings, my life would go up and down like a yo-yo as well. I need to know
that I my source of security is not going to change everytime my
emotions do.

I tried to remember the anchors in my life before the stroke but that was so
long ago. I know that we (my husband and I) focused a lot on possessions. Back
then, we were young and didn't have a lot but our aim was to have more.
Another anchor for me back then was my career. Being a teacher was who I
was. Plus it provided money to buy things. But, now that my career is gone, I
realize that it really didn't matter. I know that I was anchored to my
family. To my husband and, as a mother with young children, to my children.
But my husband is gone and my children grownup and on their own so that
anchor is long gone.

My life is anchored in God and God alone. The God who never changes.  The
God who said that He will never leave me or forsake me. The God who I can
always talk to even though I have no audible words. The God who is my best
friend. You get the point. God is the solid rock at the end of my anchor.

My second anchor is the love of God. I admit that I don't really understand
how deep the love of God is. But I do know that the Bible says that God
loves like a human father loves his children. And I do know that a good
human father will do whatever is best for his children, whether they like it
or not. So I understand that whatever happens to me, good or bad, is a
reflection of His love for me.

My third anchor is the Bible. I know that whatever God says, He will do. So,
I cling to the Bible and the promises. It helps me get me through the dark
days. And, on not so dark days, it just makes me happy to read the Bible. I
know that people, no matter how well-meaning, won't always say things that can be trusted, but God will.

One other anchor for me is my church. Even though I can't be too involved
and even though I can praise by myself and I could listen to sermons online instead
if I chose to, physically going to church almost every Sunday is an anchor to
my life in a couple of ways. First, it gives me a brief respite from the
dreariness of Long-term care and, secondly, it keeps a proper perspective
for me. That there are lots of problems beside mine.

In conclusion, I want to share something that the Lord shared with me years
ago. That anything on an anchor still moves around a little but it doesn't
drift away. That is what I think when my emotions are giving me grief. I may
be moving around a little but I am not going to drift away! 

Moods

Moods-One of my Christmas gifts was a little "mood" calendar. Some of the
nurses and I always have fun picking my mood for the day. Only problem is
that my moods can, and usually do, change several times a day. So, the mood
I pick in the morning may not at all be indicative of my mood or moods later
in the day.

Right now, my mood of choice is often "listless" or "apathetic". I don't
seem to have the energy for much of anything these days. I am weary and it
often seems like all I can do just to meander though each day. Sometimes, I
do think I need something to stimulate me somehow. No idea what that could be,
though. On the hand, I have come to understand that being a Christian is not
about always being stimulated. At times, it is about plodding along and
remaining faithful to God during the plodding.

There are days, at least periods of days, that I would have to be classified
as "cantankerous","cranky" or "grumpy". What can I say? Good thing that I
know not to go by feelings or I , and everybody else would be in trouble!
When I am feeling like that, I have learned that the best I can do is read
the Bible. Invariably, it makes me feel better.

But I also have times that I would classify as just the opposite. Sometimes,
I feel "hunky-dory" and everything is ok. There are times when the word
for my mood would be "chill". Only I prefer the word mellow. Sometimes I
just feel mellow for no apparent reason. I like it when I am feeling
"mischievious" and tease the nurses and give them a hard time. It is
refreshing for all of us just to laugh and act like total fools.

There are a couple of words on my calendar that I choose quite often. One is
the word "snarky". It just sounds how I feel some days. I looked up the
meaning just to make sure. One meaning is "testy" or "irritable". That is me
at times. Just plain irritable. They also mention "sarcastic". I have always
been too sarcastic about things. I still am but it harder with the speech
board. I spell out something sarcastic, then I often have to spell out that
I am being sarcastic. Which has cut down on my sarcasm, though not
eliminated it entirely.

The other word I choose a lot is "borderline". Especially in the morning, I
am never too sure which way my mood will go. So "borderline" seems like a
safe bet.

One word that is not on my mood calendar but I wish it was is "restless".
Some days, I just feel restless. It is not a bad mood but more like I want
something but I don't know what I want.

It is not on my mood calendar but I do suffer from spells of depression and,
unfortunately, these spells seem to be coming more frequently as I am
getting more and more tired and worn out. So far, the best way I have found
to get myself out of depression is to read the Bible.

So, as you can see, my moods or feelings or emotions or whatever go up and
down like a yo-yo. However, my faith in God and His promise has remained
steadfast year after year. In fact, when I am having an "off" day, I often
tell God that, even though my emotions are out of whack, it doesn't change
who He is or what He is going to do. Sometimes, all I can do is praise Him
through the tears but praise Him I will!