I wish

  I Wish... -It dawned on me the other day how often the phrase "I wish"
is in my thoughts. I suppose that is an indication that I am not very
satisfied with my present situation. The truth is that I am not at all
satisfied with things as they are. However, I am trying, not always
successfully, to be content with letting God do things in His way and His
time. This time I will share some of the "I wishes"in my life.

On thing that "I wish" a lot of the time is that there was somebody that
really understood what I am going through. Of course, those people who spend
more time with me have a better understanding of what my life is like. But
even they can't fully understand. Only Jesus can do that. One thing that I
have done in the past, and probably shouldn't have, is to wish every person
in the church had to spend one day in Long-term Care, as helpless as I am.
Even that wouldn't fully reveal what life is like for me but, I suspect that
it would open some eyes.

Every single time that I am using my speech board with somebody and they
either can't spell or understand what I am trying to say or both, "I wish"
that I could speak in the usual way.

When I am using my computer and the power goes out, my computer turns itself
off. The problem is that, when the power comes back on, my computer doesn't
so I have to wait until somebody can turn it on for me. At times like this,
"I wish" I could just stretch out my arm, push the button and turn the
computer back on.

I admit that I do lead a lonely life. Especially in the afternoons when I
rest in bed and can't use my computer. Then, sometimes, "I wish" that there
was somebody who could spend time with me in the afternoon. On the other
hand, I do understand that, with most people working, it is pretty hard.

Often, at mealtimes, "I wish" that I could feed myself. Then I could eat at
my own speed. Or I wouldn't have to wait to get started like I sometimes do
when the nurses are busy.

At church, there are lots of times "I wish" that I could raise my hands to
God. This is especially true when we are singing a slow, worship song. There
are other things "I wish" at church as well. "I wish" that I could sing to
the Lord properly. "I wish" that I could clap and dance like other people.
"I wish", when the time comes, I could move around and greet people instead
of waiting for them to come to me. Etc.

I will be honest. I have days where it is simply too much for me and
everything seems so bleak and endless. Days like that, often "I wish" that I
had never been born. Out of control emotions, of course.

Not too often , but once in awhile, "I wish" that I had never had the
stroke. Then I can't help wondering what my life would have been like. But I
don't indulge in thoughts like that very often. My life is what it is.

After I decided to write about this, I paid more attention to what I was
thinking. It surprised me how many times in a day I think "I wish". This is
just a small sample. But I know all too well that "I wish" won't change
anything. Only God is going to do that. 

Giving and Receiving

  Giving And Receiving-Here it is. Christmas again. A time for giving and
receiving. Of course, the greatest gift of all was God sending Jesus into
the world at Christmas. But that started me thinking, "Just what do I have
to give-right now! My present, day-to-day life seems to be pretty trivial. "

The most obvious way I  have of giving is money. Because, thankfully, my
finances are in a "stable" condition, I always have something to give
whenever the church is collecting money for something. And there are often
other opportunities to donate money.

However, life is more than money, though I am sure that  there are people in
this world who would disagree. We often hear about giving time. I do have
plenty of time to give to God but giving time to other people is more of a
challenge for me. I can't go anywhere without help and, once I am there, I
can't do anything for anybody. I can't even speak words of encouragement. As
I was writing this, the thought came to me that one way I give time to
people is when I write e-mails. They take so long for me to write that it is
definitely giving up time I could be using for other things. On the other
hand, I really enjoy writing e-mails as it is a way to communicate

These blogs are a way of giving to other people. Both in time because they
take a long time for me to write but also in content. Hopefully, I am saying
something that will encourage others and, by letting people see so much into
my life, I a giving to others.

Finally, I know I can give to others by smiling when I don't feel like it. I
can be happy when I don't feel happy. I can praise God when I don't feel
like praising God. In other words, I give to others everytime I don't let my
negative emotions control my actions. I haven't mastered this yet but God
and I are working on it.

But giving is only one side of the equation. There is also the receiving
part. Even though God gave the world the greatest gift of all in sending
Jesus, it is a useless gift if it is not received. That is the people part
of the deal.

I suspect that I am a better giver than receiver. For two reasons. First, I
don't need anything. At least, not that people can give. The second is a
character flaw that God and I need to work on. I think I feel more in
control of the situation when I give than when I receive. But He has dealt
with
me in the area of receiving and I am starting to understand that we bless
people just as much when we graciously receive what people want to give us
as when we give to others.

One area of receiving that I have never had much choice in is that of
receiving help. When you have to depend on other people for absolutely
everything, it is quite a blow to the independent pride. I am used to it by
now but, at first, it was a pretty humbling experience.

When we hear the word "receiving", we usually think of gifts or money. But
there are other things to receive as well. Things like help, time and
compliments. Quite a few years ago, the Lord showed me just to accept what
they are giving, say "thank you" and not to argue about it.

So, at Christmas, let’s be good givers. But let’s also be good receivers.
Provided, of course, the receiving doesn’t turn into greed. 

The Best Things

-The ultimate, number one thing in my life right now is being
a born-again Christian with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is
so nice to know that, even when my emotions are out of control and  I can't
stand myself and probably nobody else can stand me either, He still likes
me. When I am feeling lonely, it is comforting to know that He is always
there and I can talk to Him in my mind anytime I want. And it is exciting to
think about the future that He has for me. I don't understand it but I know
that it will be good.

Another "best" in my life are my grandchildren. Both my real little grandson
and my two "adopted" ones. My real grandson doesn't live here so I don't get
to see him in person much. But we do visit often enough by skype that I can
see how he is growing and changing. But I do get to see my "adopted"
grandkids a lot and I thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. I enjoy watching
them growing and changing and just doing what kids that age do. I think
watching small children, even those of other people, is one of my favorite
things to do. Small children are so genuine, loving and, at times, downright
hilarious.

A third "best" is friends. Especially the ones who visit me or take me
places. I am always looking for ways to pass time. So a "best" for me are
friends who help with that. Included are friends who send me e-mails as
answering them helps me to pass time.

Another "best" for me is church. It is a totally different atmosphere from
this place. When I first started going to church, I used to be almost beside
myself with excitement when Sunday rolled around and I could go to church.
After so many years, the excitement has worn off but I still enjoy it very
much. It is good to sing and pray with other people and I always look
forward to the sermon as I know God speaks to us through the pastor.

There are a couple of material "bests" in my life. First, is my computer.
When I am not out or in bed, I spend all the time using it. It is my Bible.
One way that it is better than actual Bible is that I have a lot of
different versions available to me. I change versions once a year to keep
myself from getting so familiar with any one version that I read without
really paying attention to what I am reading. My computer is also my
library. I like to read classic English literature and there are plenty of
books for me to read on the computer. Other reading material, if I so
desire, as well. I communicate with people on the computer, mostly by
e-mail. That computer is even my tv. I have tv on my computer which enables
me to change channels myself.

I never, ever thought I would admit such a thing but one of the "best"
things in my life is that speech board of mine. True, it slow and extremely
frustrating but it is also true that I am lost without it. That is why it is
so upsetting to me when people wander off with my speech board in their
hand. Without it, I can't talk to anybody. Using the computer to talk to
people is easier for everybody but the computer is not always available. But
the speech board is which makes it so invaluable.

A final disclaimer. Aside from Jesus being the best of the "best",
everything else is in random order. I wrote them down as idea came to me. 

Christmas

Christmas-When I was deliberating what to write for my next blog, the
thought crossed my mind to write something totally different. So I am
writing about some or the Christmases that I have had. At least, what I can
remember.

When I was a child, a long time ago, living in the country, one of the
highlights of Christmas was the concert at our one-room school. Everybody,
young and old,  went so it was a major community event. Another memory of
mine was of our Christmas tree. On Christmas Eve, Dad would cut a tree down
and us kids got to decorate it. I don't suppose that it looked very
"professional" but it was sure was an exciting time for us kids. A tradition
we had was that, on Christmas Eve, we got to open gifts from other people,
like cousins, etc., but the gifts from "Santa" we had to Christmas morning.
Like any kids, we must have driven our parents crazy, wanting to get up
waaay too early. I can't, though, recall what we did for Christmas dinner.

Once we moved to Medicine Hat, we still always had a real tree. Though, of
course, it was bought , not cut down! And, because we had power, we could
even put lights on the tree. Other than that, our Christmases were pretty
much the same as before. I don't really remember what we did for Christmas
dinner but a good guess is that we spent at least some of them with cousins
who lived in Redcliff, a mere two miles from Medicine Hat.

While I was going to university, and even the first couple of years in Cold
Lake, there is nothing to tell about Christmas because I always spent
holidays at home.

After I got married, though, we always spent Christmas in Cold Lake. I guess
neither one of us wanted to travel that far in winter. His family lives in
Ontario and even Medicine Hat is no short jaunt. The first year, we kept up
the tradition of a real tree. However, when I was vacuuming needles out of
the carpet in July, we decided that it was time to convert to artificial. It
is funny what one remembers. I remember the tree but not much else. Once we
had kids, we liked to stay home so they could play with the toys.

Since the stroke, my Christmases have been different, to say the least. The
first Christmas after the stroke, my husband would have taken me home. He
used  to take me home every weekend and looked after me like any nurse
would. I was lighter back then so he could easily lift and carry me. Though
I couldn't do anything, I did enjoy watching the kids. But my trips home
stopped once I ended up in the condition I am at present. For a number of
Christmases , my kids came in the afternoon to open gifts and in the
evening, I would go to friends' place for supper. But my kids grew up and
left home and my friends left the church. Now most of my Christmases are
pretty much like any other day. But, except for one year, there has always
been someone, maybe a nurse who would be alone too, to spend time with me,
usually in the evening, opening gifts. And I always look forward to getting
Christmas greetings by e-mail, either from my kids or other people. That one
Christmas when I was alone really hit home to me just how lonely Christmas
can be for some people. The nurses here do something that I think is so
nice. Every Christmas they pick names and each one buys a gift for one of
the people in this place. The sad thing is that, if they didn't, every year
there seems to be at least one person who wouldn't even get a gift at
Christmas.

Remembering my different Christmases, I realize that there was no mention
church. When I was a child, I know we lived too far from a church but I
don't know why, once we moved to Medicine Hat, we didn't go to church at
Christmas. We went other times. Of course, by the time I went to university
and first came to Cold Lake, I wanted nothing to do with church. My husband
and I never thought of church at Christmas or any other time. It was only
after the stroke, when I became a born-again Christian, that I understood
the importance of church at Christmas and what it is really all about. 

Someday

-I know that we are told that the past is past and we may not have a
tomorrow so to concentrate on the now but, for me, if I keep focus on my
present circumstances, I will go stark, raving mad. Thinking about "someday"
helps me to keep going.

Someday, I will be able to move freely like other people. I will be able to
clap and dance at church all I want. I will be able to read real books,
including the Bible, instead of always reading on the computer. And,
speaking of the computer, I will be able to use it the same as everybody
else does . Which means a whole lot faster. If I want to, I can even learn
how to use all these other electronic gadgets. That, though, is a big "if"!
I will be able to feed myself and eat whatever I want. The list could go on
and on. Right now, all I do is dream about those things but, someday, it
won't be a dream.

Someday, I will be able to speak just like everybody else. No more speech
board. While I am grateful to have some means of communication, it is SOOO
frustrating-both for me and everybody else. No more constantly being
misunderstood. I wonder if Jesus found it as frustrating as I do to always
be misunderstood? No more saying sarcastic things and then having to spell
out that
I was being sarcastic. The speech board has cut down on my sarcasm. A good
thing, no doubt. Best of all,I  will be having real, lengthy conversations.
A
dream right now but it won't always be.

Someday, I won't have to depend on other people for absolutely everything.
Right now, I have to depend on the nurses for all my personal care plus all
sorts of other things. I even have to depend on the nurses to scratch my
head when it gets itchy! I have to depend on other people from the church to
get me there. My computer does allow me a certain amount of independence as
I can contact people without depending on someone else to contact them for
me. However, if my computer is down and  I can't e-mail, I have to depend on
someone else to contact my computer tech.  But, someday, all the depending
on other people will over.

Someday, I  will leave Long-term Care and never come back. I admit that,
each time I go out, I dread coming back. Not that it is a bad place with
ogres for nurses or anything like that but it just has been so long. I used
to hate being in hospital for a few days. Imagine 30+ years! Though
Long-term Care is not like a regular hospital. But it is not like being at
home, either. The good thing about being in Long-term is that it has given
me an understanding of and compassion for seniors. I have also gained a real
appreciation for people who work in places like this. But enough is enough!

Of course, the ultimate "someday" for all Christians, including me, is
Heaven. Until then, though, we all have to cope with our earthly lot in
life, no matter what is. For me, it is easier to cope if I focus on
"someday" rather than the negative circumstances I live with.