Years ago, I used to think that I would start to speak before anything else on me is healed. Whether or not it happens like that remains to be seen but, every so often, I speculate on what life would be like for me if I were in the same condition except I could speak. Just being able to speak would make life so much easier for me.
The main thing is, of course, that I would be able to actually have conversations with people. I am thankful for my speech board but it is not conducive for a lengthy conversation. A few people are proficient enough with it to have a decent conversation with me but that is not the norm. In fact, I suspect that some people avoid conversations with me because of my speech board. But that is kind of ok because, these days, I get frustrated with the speech board so fast that I sometimes avoid using it myself.
When I am using my computer in the morning, one thing I like to do is try reading out loud a few Psalms and confessions, both for healing and who I am in Christ. At the present, all that comes out are some unintelligible noises. I know God understands but it would sure be easier for me if I could speak. In the same way, when I am lying in bed in the afternoon, I like to "sing" along to my music. It is hard, though, with no intelligible voice.
Speaking of singing, I think that it would so great to sing freely at church. I know that my pathetic attempts mean as much to God as all the good voices on stage but still...
I know that my day-to-day interaction with the nurses would be a lot better if I could speak. They are always busy so there are few times we get to converse. Some of them are good enough at using my speech board that we can have a nice chitchat while they are feeding me. Others, though, really struggle with the speech board. So mealtimes are pretty silent. The nurse points to items and I nod when I want something. Or I look at what I want and only use the speech board when necessary. I wish, though, that I could converse freely with them all.
When I am on my computer, and alone, sometimes I need a nurse, either for my computer or something else. At present, all I can do is yell until somebody hears and comes to my assistance. Even if I could talk, I don't know if anybody would hear me calling any faster but, at least, it might not tire me out so much.
Probably the time I most wish I could talk is when there a new nurses. If they are unsure of my routine, I could easily help them. However, as it is, if they are uncertain what to do, I have to use the speech board to tell them the next step. Not only is it extremely frustrating for everybody, it takes way too much time.
One other time that talking would be really nice is when I have skype visits. Especially with my daughter and grandson. Right now, all I can do is sit and watch and listen while others converse. And, of course, dream about the day I will be able to talk to my family.
Me
At the beloved/hated writing vessel
Friday, 27 June 2014
Friday, 20 June 2014
How I Can Show Jesus To The World
-Right Now-For this blog, lately, the Holy Spirit has been giving me a title and, with His help, I have been filling in the details. But, when He gave me this title a few days ago, my thought was, "How on earth can I do that when my world is so limited and I am so tired and frustrated most of the time lately?" Assuming that what is meant by "world"
are the nurses, most of whom are not Christians, I concluded that the Holy Spirit must want me to think of ways that I can show Jesus to the nurses, and any other people that I come into contact with who are not Christians.
The most obvious way is through this blog. I know that a number of people who are not Christians, including some of the nurses, do read it. So it is a good vehicle to share about Jesus, particularly how my faith in Him relates to my present situation in life. The nurses definitely know more than anybody else about the circumstances I live with everyday so, hopefully, I say something about Jesus that will speak to them.
While I was thinking about this, the Holy Spirit dropped two words in my mind. I only mention them because they are from Him or it might sound like I am tooting my own horn. The first word that came to me was "faithful". One area that I have been faithful in is attending church. I am sure that, over the years, that has made some impression on the nurses. I am pretty sure they are also aware that I faithfully read the Bible everyday. And they hear Christian music in my room constantly.
The other word that came to me is "trust". It does mean a lot to me that different nurses will sometimes tell me things before they tell anybody else because , they say, they can trust me not to repeat it.
However, I still don't feel like I have been doing much to show Jesus to anybody lately. I have worn down and, to me, I don't seem to the person I once was. I do still have a good time with the nurses but not as frequently. Irritation at the least little thing seems the theme of my life these days. About the only Christlike thing I do right now is say I am sorry. And I do that a LOT lately.
Ultimately, though, I know it is not up to me to decide whether or not I am showing Jesus to the world. It is up to God. All I can do is do what He tells me to do and leave the rest up to Him.
are the nurses, most of whom are not Christians, I concluded that the Holy Spirit must want me to think of ways that I can show Jesus to the nurses, and any other people that I come into contact with who are not Christians.
The most obvious way is through this blog. I know that a number of people who are not Christians, including some of the nurses, do read it. So it is a good vehicle to share about Jesus, particularly how my faith in Him relates to my present situation in life. The nurses definitely know more than anybody else about the circumstances I live with everyday so, hopefully, I say something about Jesus that will speak to them.
While I was thinking about this, the Holy Spirit dropped two words in my mind. I only mention them because they are from Him or it might sound like I am tooting my own horn. The first word that came to me was "faithful". One area that I have been faithful in is attending church. I am sure that, over the years, that has made some impression on the nurses. I am pretty sure they are also aware that I faithfully read the Bible everyday. And they hear Christian music in my room constantly.
The other word that came to me is "trust". It does mean a lot to me that different nurses will sometimes tell me things before they tell anybody else because , they say, they can trust me not to repeat it.
However, I still don't feel like I have been doing much to show Jesus to anybody lately. I have worn down and, to me, I don't seem to the person I once was. I do still have a good time with the nurses but not as frequently. Irritation at the least little thing seems the theme of my life these days. About the only Christlike thing I do right now is say I am sorry. And I do that a LOT lately.
Ultimately, though, I know it is not up to me to decide whether or not I am showing Jesus to the world. It is up to God. All I can do is do what He tells me to do and leave the rest up to Him.
Friday, 13 June 2014
Bending But Not Breaking
-Sounds like a country song, doesn't it? That pretty much sums up my life right now. I haven't broken in all these years and I am NOT going to now. God has a plan for my life but it can't be fulfilled if I cave in, can it? God won't let me break-provided I don't turn away from Him. However, bending is quite another story.Recently, I seem to be bending far too often.
One area I seem to be bending in is that of physical health. The last while, it seems to be one thing after another. Even though Long Term Care is not as clinical as the rest of the hospital, it is still part of the hospital with nurses who have been trained to recognize symptoms of illness. In turn, the nurses often report them to my doctor. As a result, I have been seeing more of him lately than I like. In and of themselves, none of these constant ailments are serious but, in addition to the discomfort that I am always in, they are definitely adding to my misery. Because the focus lately so often has been on what is wrong with me, I have been thinking that I have to get out of this atmosphere of sickness. That is one reason why church is so important to me. It gets me out of the "sick" atmosphere here and into an atmosphere where the focus is on God, not what is wrong with me.
Another area that seems to be bending is in the mental and emotional aspect of this situation. I am feeling totally exhausted. I suspect that it is mostly mental fatigue from the same thing day after day, month after month, year after year. Emotionally I am mess. The least little thing makes me burst into tears. Or to get angry and frustrated. To avoid emotional outbursts, I often withdraw inside myself. Although that is not a good thing, either. My emotions have always been pretty up and down but nothing like they are now. My biggest concern is what effect my "out-of-control" emotions are having on all the nurses who are not Christians. When my emotions run high, I don't act very Christianlike, too often of late. But this thought just came to me. When God chooses to have them become Christians, nothing I have done will stop them.
So, yes, I am in bending mode right now. The good thing about bending, though,is that we go back into place. Like a tree blowing in the wind. As soon the wind stops, the tree returns to normal
Right now, I am like a tree blowing in the wind but it won't last.
One area I seem to be bending in is that of physical health. The last while, it seems to be one thing after another. Even though Long Term Care is not as clinical as the rest of the hospital, it is still part of the hospital with nurses who have been trained to recognize symptoms of illness. In turn, the nurses often report them to my doctor. As a result, I have been seeing more of him lately than I like. In and of themselves, none of these constant ailments are serious but, in addition to the discomfort that I am always in, they are definitely adding to my misery. Because the focus lately so often has been on what is wrong with me, I have been thinking that I have to get out of this atmosphere of sickness. That is one reason why church is so important to me. It gets me out of the "sick" atmosphere here and into an atmosphere where the focus is on God, not what is wrong with me.
Another area that seems to be bending is in the mental and emotional aspect of this situation. I am feeling totally exhausted. I suspect that it is mostly mental fatigue from the same thing day after day, month after month, year after year. Emotionally I am mess. The least little thing makes me burst into tears. Or to get angry and frustrated. To avoid emotional outbursts, I often withdraw inside myself. Although that is not a good thing, either. My emotions have always been pretty up and down but nothing like they are now. My biggest concern is what effect my "out-of-control" emotions are having on all the nurses who are not Christians. When my emotions run high, I don't act very Christianlike, too often of late. But this thought just came to me. When God chooses to have them become Christians, nothing I have done will stop them.
So, yes, I am in bending mode right now. The good thing about bending, though,is that we go back into place. Like a tree blowing in the wind. As soon the wind stops, the tree returns to normal
Right now, I am like a tree blowing in the wind but it won't last.
Friday, 6 June 2014
Things I Would "Like" To Do When I Am Healed
-I have no idea what the future holds for me. All I know is that God controls my future and it will turn out the way He wills. So I seldom give much thought to my future. But, once in awhile, I indulge myself and think about the things I would "like" to do when I am healed. A futile exercise, no doubt, but, at least, it helps to pass time for me.
Probably the first thing that I would like to do is go for a long walk by myself. Just God and me. A time to enjoy God's beautiful creation, a time to enjoy my new-found freedom and, most of all, a time to to thank and praise God.
Because I have spent so much time alone over the years, I can't picture myself wanting to live with other people. At this point in time, my ideal abode would be to live alone in the country with just a couple of cats for company. Mind you, that easily can, and probably will, change when the time actually comes.
One thing that I really, really want to do is get to know my kids. They were so little when I had the stroke that I don't really know them and they don't know me. Now that they are adults, it will be so nice to spend time with them and get to know the people that they have become. And, of course, to get to know my dear little grandson.
One thing that I like to do right now is to read and compare different versions or the Bible. Because I do my Bible reading on the computer, it is relatively easy to find different translations of the Bible. The other day, though, I was thinking that, when I am able, wouldn't it be fun to collect actual Bibles in different translations. L readily admit that I am old-fashioned but I like books. The more, the better!
One thing that I look forward to is eating all the things that I can't right now. What I crave most is a juicy, red apple. But it also would be a treat to eat raw vegetables or a steak or nuts or hard candy, etc. But those days are coming.
These are merely a few of the things that I , personally, would like to do. There are lots more. Every time that I allow myself to think about what I want to do, I come up with something else. Even when I am feeling mega frustrated, I can't help thinking how nice it will be when I can scream and throw things. Hopefully, though, once I am healed, I won't have any desire to do that!
Probably the first thing that I would like to do is go for a long walk by myself. Just God and me. A time to enjoy God's beautiful creation, a time to enjoy my new-found freedom and, most of all, a time to to thank and praise God.
Because I have spent so much time alone over the years, I can't picture myself wanting to live with other people. At this point in time, my ideal abode would be to live alone in the country with just a couple of cats for company. Mind you, that easily can, and probably will, change when the time actually comes.
One thing that I really, really want to do is get to know my kids. They were so little when I had the stroke that I don't really know them and they don't know me. Now that they are adults, it will be so nice to spend time with them and get to know the people that they have become. And, of course, to get to know my dear little grandson.
One thing that I like to do right now is to read and compare different versions or the Bible. Because I do my Bible reading on the computer, it is relatively easy to find different translations of the Bible. The other day, though, I was thinking that, when I am able, wouldn't it be fun to collect actual Bibles in different translations. L readily admit that I am old-fashioned but I like books. The more, the better!
One thing that I look forward to is eating all the things that I can't right now. What I crave most is a juicy, red apple. But it also would be a treat to eat raw vegetables or a steak or nuts or hard candy, etc. But those days are coming.
These are merely a few of the things that I , personally, would like to do. There are lots more. Every time that I allow myself to think about what I want to do, I come up with something else. Even when I am feeling mega frustrated, I can't help thinking how nice it will be when I can scream and throw things. Hopefully, though, once I am healed, I won't have any desire to do that!
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