I wish

  I Wish... -It dawned on me the other day how often the phrase "I wish"
is in my thoughts. I suppose that is an indication that I am not very
satisfied with my present situation. The truth is that I am not at all
satisfied with things as they are. However, I am trying, not always
successfully, to be content with letting God do things in His way and His
time. This time I will share some of the "I wishes"in my life.

On thing that "I wish" a lot of the time is that there was somebody that
really understood what I am going through. Of course, those people who spend
more time with me have a better understanding of what my life is like. But
even they can't fully understand. Only Jesus can do that. One thing that I
have done in the past, and probably shouldn't have, is to wish every person
in the church had to spend one day in Long-term Care, as helpless as I am.
Even that wouldn't fully reveal what life is like for me but, I suspect that
it would open some eyes.

Every single time that I am using my speech board with somebody and they
either can't spell or understand what I am trying to say or both, "I wish"
that I could speak in the usual way.

When I am using my computer and the power goes out, my computer turns itself
off. The problem is that, when the power comes back on, my computer doesn't
so I have to wait until somebody can turn it on for me. At times like this,
"I wish" I could just stretch out my arm, push the button and turn the
computer back on.

I admit that I do lead a lonely life. Especially in the afternoons when I
rest in bed and can't use my computer. Then, sometimes, "I wish" that there
was somebody who could spend time with me in the afternoon. On the other
hand, I do understand that, with most people working, it is pretty hard.

Often, at mealtimes, "I wish" that I could feed myself. Then I could eat at
my own speed. Or I wouldn't have to wait to get started like I sometimes do
when the nurses are busy.

At church, there are lots of times "I wish" that I could raise my hands to
God. This is especially true when we are singing a slow, worship song. There
are other things "I wish" at church as well. "I wish" that I could sing to
the Lord properly. "I wish" that I could clap and dance like other people.
"I wish", when the time comes, I could move around and greet people instead
of waiting for them to come to me. Etc.

I will be honest. I have days where it is simply too much for me and
everything seems so bleak and endless. Days like that, often "I wish" that I
had never been born. Out of control emotions, of course.

Not too often , but once in awhile, "I wish" that I had never had the
stroke. Then I can't help wondering what my life would have been like. But I
don't indulge in thoughts like that very often. My life is what it is.

After I decided to write about this, I paid more attention to what I was
thinking. It surprised me how many times in a day I think "I wish". This is
just a small sample. But I know all too well that "I wish" won't change
anything. Only God is going to do that. 

Giving and Receiving

  Giving And Receiving-Here it is. Christmas again. A time for giving and
receiving. Of course, the greatest gift of all was God sending Jesus into
the world at Christmas. But that started me thinking, "Just what do I have
to give-right now! My present, day-to-day life seems to be pretty trivial. "

The most obvious way I  have of giving is money. Because, thankfully, my
finances are in a "stable" condition, I always have something to give
whenever the church is collecting money for something. And there are often
other opportunities to donate money.

However, life is more than money, though I am sure that  there are people in
this world who would disagree. We often hear about giving time. I do have
plenty of time to give to God but giving time to other people is more of a
challenge for me. I can't go anywhere without help and, once I am there, I
can't do anything for anybody. I can't even speak words of encouragement. As
I was writing this, the thought came to me that one way I give time to
people is when I write e-mails. They take so long for me to write that it is
definitely giving up time I could be using for other things. On the other
hand, I really enjoy writing e-mails as it is a way to communicate

These blogs are a way of giving to other people. Both in time because they
take a long time for me to write but also in content. Hopefully, I am saying
something that will encourage others and, by letting people see so much into
my life, I a giving to others.

Finally, I know I can give to others by smiling when I don't feel like it. I
can be happy when I don't feel happy. I can praise God when I don't feel
like praising God. In other words, I give to others everytime I don't let my
negative emotions control my actions. I haven't mastered this yet but God
and I are working on it.

But giving is only one side of the equation. There is also the receiving
part. Even though God gave the world the greatest gift of all in sending
Jesus, it is a useless gift if it is not received. That is the people part
of the deal.

I suspect that I am a better giver than receiver. For two reasons. First, I
don't need anything. At least, not that people can give. The second is a
character flaw that God and I need to work on. I think I feel more in
control of the situation when I give than when I receive. But He has dealt
with
me in the area of receiving and I am starting to understand that we bless
people just as much when we graciously receive what people want to give us
as when we give to others.

One area of receiving that I have never had much choice in is that of
receiving help. When you have to depend on other people for absolutely
everything, it is quite a blow to the independent pride. I am used to it by
now but, at first, it was a pretty humbling experience.

When we hear the word "receiving", we usually think of gifts or money. But
there are other things to receive as well. Things like help, time and
compliments. Quite a few years ago, the Lord showed me just to accept what
they are giving, say "thank you" and not to argue about it.

So, at Christmas, let’s be good givers. But let’s also be good receivers.
Provided, of course, the receiving doesn’t turn into greed. 

The Best Things

-The ultimate, number one thing in my life right now is being
a born-again Christian with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is
so nice to know that, even when my emotions are out of control and  I can't
stand myself and probably nobody else can stand me either, He still likes
me. When I am feeling lonely, it is comforting to know that He is always
there and I can talk to Him in my mind anytime I want. And it is exciting to
think about the future that He has for me. I don't understand it but I know
that it will be good.

Another "best" in my life are my grandchildren. Both my real little grandson
and my two "adopted" ones. My real grandson doesn't live here so I don't get
to see him in person much. But we do visit often enough by skype that I can
see how he is growing and changing. But I do get to see my "adopted"
grandkids a lot and I thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. I enjoy watching
them growing and changing and just doing what kids that age do. I think
watching small children, even those of other people, is one of my favorite
things to do. Small children are so genuine, loving and, at times, downright
hilarious.

A third "best" is friends. Especially the ones who visit me or take me
places. I am always looking for ways to pass time. So a "best" for me are
friends who help with that. Included are friends who send me e-mails as
answering them helps me to pass time.

Another "best" for me is church. It is a totally different atmosphere from
this place. When I first started going to church, I used to be almost beside
myself with excitement when Sunday rolled around and I could go to church.
After so many years, the excitement has worn off but I still enjoy it very
much. It is good to sing and pray with other people and I always look
forward to the sermon as I know God speaks to us through the pastor.

There are a couple of material "bests" in my life. First, is my computer.
When I am not out or in bed, I spend all the time using it. It is my Bible.
One way that it is better than actual Bible is that I have a lot of
different versions available to me. I change versions once a year to keep
myself from getting so familiar with any one version that I read without
really paying attention to what I am reading. My computer is also my
library. I like to read classic English literature and there are plenty of
books for me to read on the computer. Other reading material, if I so
desire, as well. I communicate with people on the computer, mostly by
e-mail. That computer is even my tv. I have tv on my computer which enables
me to change channels myself.

I never, ever thought I would admit such a thing but one of the "best"
things in my life is that speech board of mine. True, it slow and extremely
frustrating but it is also true that I am lost without it. That is why it is
so upsetting to me when people wander off with my speech board in their
hand. Without it, I can't talk to anybody. Using the computer to talk to
people is easier for everybody but the computer is not always available. But
the speech board is which makes it so invaluable.

A final disclaimer. Aside from Jesus being the best of the "best",
everything else is in random order. I wrote them down as idea came to me. 

Christmas

Christmas-When I was deliberating what to write for my next blog, the
thought crossed my mind to write something totally different. So I am
writing about some or the Christmases that I have had. At least, what I can
remember.

When I was a child, a long time ago, living in the country, one of the
highlights of Christmas was the concert at our one-room school. Everybody,
young and old,  went so it was a major community event. Another memory of
mine was of our Christmas tree. On Christmas Eve, Dad would cut a tree down
and us kids got to decorate it. I don't suppose that it looked very
"professional" but it was sure was an exciting time for us kids. A tradition
we had was that, on Christmas Eve, we got to open gifts from other people,
like cousins, etc., but the gifts from "Santa" we had to Christmas morning.
Like any kids, we must have driven our parents crazy, wanting to get up
waaay too early. I can't, though, recall what we did for Christmas dinner.

Once we moved to Medicine Hat, we still always had a real tree. Though, of
course, it was bought , not cut down! And, because we had power, we could
even put lights on the tree. Other than that, our Christmases were pretty
much the same as before. I don't really remember what we did for Christmas
dinner but a good guess is that we spent at least some of them with cousins
who lived in Redcliff, a mere two miles from Medicine Hat.

While I was going to university, and even the first couple of years in Cold
Lake, there is nothing to tell about Christmas because I always spent
holidays at home.

After I got married, though, we always spent Christmas in Cold Lake. I guess
neither one of us wanted to travel that far in winter. His family lives in
Ontario and even Medicine Hat is no short jaunt. The first year, we kept up
the tradition of a real tree. However, when I was vacuuming needles out of
the carpet in July, we decided that it was time to convert to artificial. It
is funny what one remembers. I remember the tree but not much else. Once we
had kids, we liked to stay home so they could play with the toys.

Since the stroke, my Christmases have been different, to say the least. The
first Christmas after the stroke, my husband would have taken me home. He
used  to take me home every weekend and looked after me like any nurse
would. I was lighter back then so he could easily lift and carry me. Though
I couldn't do anything, I did enjoy watching the kids. But my trips home
stopped once I ended up in the condition I am at present. For a number of
Christmases , my kids came in the afternoon to open gifts and in the
evening, I would go to friends' place for supper. But my kids grew up and
left home and my friends left the church. Now most of my Christmases are
pretty much like any other day. But, except for one year, there has always
been someone, maybe a nurse who would be alone too, to spend time with me,
usually in the evening, opening gifts. And I always look forward to getting
Christmas greetings by e-mail, either from my kids or other people. That one
Christmas when I was alone really hit home to me just how lonely Christmas
can be for some people. The nurses here do something that I think is so
nice. Every Christmas they pick names and each one buys a gift for one of
the people in this place. The sad thing is that, if they didn't, every year
there seems to be at least one person who wouldn't even get a gift at
Christmas.

Remembering my different Christmases, I realize that there was no mention
church. When I was a child, I know we lived too far from a church but I
don't know why, once we moved to Medicine Hat, we didn't go to church at
Christmas. We went other times. Of course, by the time I went to university
and first came to Cold Lake, I wanted nothing to do with church. My husband
and I never thought of church at Christmas or any other time. It was only
after the stroke, when I became a born-again Christian, that I understood
the importance of church at Christmas and what it is really all about. 

Someday

-I know that we are told that the past is past and we may not have a
tomorrow so to concentrate on the now but, for me, if I keep focus on my
present circumstances, I will go stark, raving mad. Thinking about "someday"
helps me to keep going.

Someday, I will be able to move freely like other people. I will be able to
clap and dance at church all I want. I will be able to read real books,
including the Bible, instead of always reading on the computer. And,
speaking of the computer, I will be able to use it the same as everybody
else does . Which means a whole lot faster. If I want to, I can even learn
how to use all these other electronic gadgets. That, though, is a big "if"!
I will be able to feed myself and eat whatever I want. The list could go on
and on. Right now, all I do is dream about those things but, someday, it
won't be a dream.

Someday, I will be able to speak just like everybody else. No more speech
board. While I am grateful to have some means of communication, it is SOOO
frustrating-both for me and everybody else. No more constantly being
misunderstood. I wonder if Jesus found it as frustrating as I do to always
be misunderstood? No more saying sarcastic things and then having to spell
out that
I was being sarcastic. The speech board has cut down on my sarcasm. A good
thing, no doubt. Best of all,I  will be having real, lengthy conversations.
A
dream right now but it won't always be.

Someday, I won't have to depend on other people for absolutely everything.
Right now, I have to depend on the nurses for all my personal care plus all
sorts of other things. I even have to depend on the nurses to scratch my
head when it gets itchy! I have to depend on other people from the church to
get me there. My computer does allow me a certain amount of independence as
I can contact people without depending on someone else to contact them for
me. However, if my computer is down and  I can't e-mail, I have to depend on
someone else to contact my computer tech.  But, someday, all the depending
on other people will over.

Someday, I  will leave Long-term Care and never come back. I admit that,
each time I go out, I dread coming back. Not that it is a bad place with
ogres for nurses or anything like that but it just has been so long. I used
to hate being in hospital for a few days. Imagine 30+ years! Though
Long-term Care is not like a regular hospital. But it is not like being at
home, either. The good thing about being in Long-term is that it has given
me an understanding of and compassion for seniors. I have also gained a real
appreciation for people who work in places like this. But enough is enough!

Of course, the ultimate "someday" for all Christians, including me, is
Heaven. Until then, though, we all have to cope with our earthly lot in
life, no matter what is. For me, it is easier to cope if I focus on
"someday" rather than the negative circumstances I live with. 

Making The Best Of It

-Years ago, a person at church made the comment that,
if he were in my place, he would just make the best of it. I admit that I
got really annoyed. I thought, "it is not so easy when you are the one that
is going through it" Over that years, one thing that I have learned is that
none of us really understands what another person is is going through until
we are in the same situation. Anyway, as I was reflecting on this, it dawned
on me that he was right-at least, partly. If I don't try to make the best of
the hand that I have been dealt, I will end up having a permanent pity
party. At present, I do have too many times of self-pity but, at least, they
are not permanent! I started thinking of ways that I can make the best of a
difficult situation.

Maybe the most important thing is to simply be thankful. Be thankful for
what I do have. Eyes that see, ears that hear, a mind that works, a warm
place to be in, plenty of food, people that care for me, a wonderful country
to live in. The list could go on and on. And, to top it all, a God that
loves me and will do what is best for me.

I can also try not to murmur and complain. Have you noticed that it seems to
come naturally for people to complain? With my myriad of aches and pains, it
is tempting to always complaining to somebody about something. But I try not
to, at least not too often, for a couple of reasons. First, I know that
always talking about minor ailments would keep me thinking about myself. And
that, I am sure, would just lead to depression. The other reason is that,
too often I have to listen to other people complaining about what are, to
me, minor ailments. I admit that I find it annoying so I am determined not
to do that to other people. Something that I complain about too much is the
food in this place. Most of the time, it is ok but the same thing cooked the
same way over and over and over and over gets pretty monotonous. I need to
remind myself more often about all the people in this world who would be
overjoyed to get this food.

Making the best of things means getting pleasure from little things instead
of always looking at the major things that I can't be part of. Things like
minor trips or outings. But I bet I enjoy them just as much as other people
do major trips. After years of eating hospital food, it gives me a lot of
pleasure to get other food, be it homemade or take-out. I am so happy to get
a Tim Horton's coffee. Of course, I always delight  in visitors and,
sometimes being read to. One thing that I enjoy is watching little kids.
Because communication is so difficult for me, it is hard to take part in
conversations. However, I don't have to be able to communicate to enjoy
little kids playing. It is not my intent to enumerate all the "small"
pleasures I have.  Just to make the point that it helps to make the best of
things if I enjoy what I can enjoy and leave other things to other people.

Another way that I can make the best of my current situation is by being
PATIENT. The word that we all love so much. In this fast-paced society,
patience doesn't seem to be an attribute that is popular. However, it does
seem to be big with God. It goes more smoothly for me if, instead of always
nagging God with "when, when, when", I just relax and let God do His thing
in His time. That, though, is easier said than done.

Hand in hand with patience goes contentment. A calm, peaceful mind at all
times. I know that I would be making the best of things if I could be
contented all time. I do have times of contentment with my lot in life,
knowing that God has it all under control, but there are also too many times
when I feel agitated. Sometimes I don't even know why. Let's just say that
my level of contentment still needs some work.

There are probably more ways that I can make the best of my present
circumstances but the last one I want to mention is controlling my wayward
thoughts. This is relatively easy when I am using my computer and can read,
write or even watch tv (I have tv on my computer). Those things distract me
from my own thoughts. When I am resting in bed in the afternoon, my thoughts
tend to wander a bit more. But I always have Christian music so, as long as
I keep my mind on the lyrics, I can usually keep my thoughts under control.
The time I really struggle is when I am lying in bed with no music on. Maybe
I can't sleep or I wake up really early.  Even if I start praising or
meditating on the Bible, it is usually not long before my thoughts are
running helter-skelter again.

So, my conclusion is this. Because, temporarily, I am in a situation that is
not a whole lot of fun, it is important for me to do whatever I can to make
the best of it or it will be even more difficult for me. 

I Am Free

 -Years ago, our church had our own camp at Moose Lake at the end
ofAugust. Of course, I couldn't actually camp with the rest of the people but
I would go out for the evening service. One time, the speaker paraded me in
front of everybody and told them that I was more free than most of them.
Obviously, he wasn't talking physically. Back than, I was far from free
physically and, as the years have gone by, I seem to be "seizing up" more
and more with more aches and pains. Still, though, when I felt to write about
this, I had to go to the Holy Spirit for some ideas what to write about.
These are a few ways that I am free.

I am free with time. Because I am not tied to a job or other time-consuming
commitments, I can do whatever I want with my time. Within my physical
limitations, of course. Hopefully, I have the sense to use my time the way
God wants but that is not a given. God is not going to force anybody to do
what He would like them to be doing.

I am free with money. Whenever I read that scripture about not anybody owing
anything but love, I always think that that is almost impossible in this
modern world with everything so expensive that it is almost a necessity for
a loan Because of loans and mortgages, most people are not all that free
with their  money . But, for me, once my rent is paid along with a couple of
minor bills.I am free to do what I want with my money. Because my rent
includes food, I don't even have groceries to buy! Again, hopefully I use it
wisely on what God wants, not on my own selfish desires.

I am free in my thoughts. Because I know that the Bible says that nothing is
impossible to God, I admit that sometimes my thoughts run free, imagining
some of the far-fetched things that God might do. Most of them will probably
never happen but I suspect that God would rather that than have people limit
Him in their thoughts. Again, because I don't have so many other commitments, I am more free to focus my thoughts as God. It I don't let emotions get in way.

I am free in the choices I make. When we become Christians, we are all free to choose as we want. God won't make choices for us. But, because I don't have the time or money constraints of other people , it is probably easier for me to make choices for God. Another thing that keeps me making choices for God is the simple fact that He is my only hope. A doctor may fix up minor ailments only God can restore me to perfect health. So I would be downright stupid not to make choices for God. But, if I want to be stupid, I guess it is my choice!

I am free to praise God. Not that I can sing and dance like others but I am free to praise God in my own way, anytime, anywhere. I have learned to talk to God in my mind so I can be praising Him at all  times.  CAN but, for me, too often emotions get in the way. Or I listen to the nurses talk. However, I do think that being alone so much is more conducive to praise than if I were always busy and around a lot of people.

In conclusion, I will just say this. When we first become Christians, God makes us totally free but, whether or not we remain free in all areas, is up to us.