Living With Cancer

Living With Cancer-Or maybe I should say "existing" with cancer. To be
honest, since the stroke, I have never felt like I am really living. Many
times, I have told God that I am tired of this half-life. Be that as it may,
cancer is part of who I am right now.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago. I admit that it bothered me at
first (and still does if I let it) that the doctors couldn't make up their
minds how to treat the cancer until it had spread and any kind of treatment
was not an option. Since then, though, I have come to understand that this
is exactly the way God wanted it and He simply used those doctors to bring
it about. If the cancer had been treated, once the cancer is gone, the
doctors could have claimed that it is because of something they did. This
way, they can't take the credit.

It has been an extremely difficult year for me. Every year since the stroke
has been difficult but now, with the cancer, even more so. Aside from some
symptoms, physically it hasn't been that much worse than before the cancer.
Whether or not the symptoms get worse before they get better remains to be
seen.

However, the cancer has taken a toll on me emotionally. First hearing that I
had the dreaded "c"  word was emotionally unsettling. Then finding out that
it couldn't be treated was another curve ball thrown my way. I have to
admit, though, that I received the news pretty calmly. Because I know my
life is in God's hands and, no matter what doctors say, it won't end until
He is ready to take me to Heaven. But what has been really hard on me has
been the constant waiting. Truth is I am not even too sure what I am waiting
for. I just know I am waiting for something and not knowing is driving me
crazy. I don't like the person I have become. Because I am so worn out,
partly from a mind that won't shut down, I am some irritable. Unfortunately,
the nurses usually get the brunt of it, simply because they have to be
around me in my everyday life. So I don't get frustrated with them even more
often, I spend most of the time in my room puttering on my computer. And I
usually don't use my speech board unless necessary. I know how quickly I get
frustrated if the other person can't understand what I am trying to say.

Nobody has come out and said it but I know that, as far as medical science
is concerned, I have been left here to die. I don't believe I will die but, of
course, God has the final say in that. Still , it is a depressing thought. Ever since I had the stroke, I have struggled with spells of depression. Fortunately, I have been able to shrug them off pretty quickly. But now, with the cancer on top of everything else, it is not so easy. Too often lately, I don't even have the energy to not be depressed. Does that make any sense?

I sometimes wonder how unsaved people live with cancer. I am  a born-again Christian so I know I will be great. No matter what happens. However, I still have trouble coping. Mostly, I think because cancer is such a long, drawn-out process.

I admit that, when I was given this title, I argued with God. The last thing I wanted to do is write about the cancer AGAIN. But, of course, I lost the argument. Perhaps writing this blog was more for my own benefit. Putting at least some of my muddled thoughts into words has, I think, helped to clarify them for me.