Qualms-Even though I am eagerly looking forward to the day when I finally
receive my healing and am free from everything that is tying me down at
present, I also have to admit that I have a few qualms about it. Probably
only natural considering how long I have been living like this.
One qualm I have is that I won't have so much time to spend alone with God.
Right now, it is so easy. I don't need to set a specific time to be alone
with God as I am in His presence most of the time anyway. However, once I am
healed, things will most likely change . Though I have no real idea what
life for me will be then, I think it is a pretty safe bet to assume that I
will be a lot busier than I am now. Then I probably have to set a specific
time or times for God and make that a priority. A few years ago, I remember
telling the Lord that He might have to wake me up in the middle of the night
just so we can talk the way that we do now. I was thinking. Over the years,
because I can't speak, I have gotten used to having conversations with God
in my mind. That may prove very beneficial once I am busy again.
One of the chief qualms that I have is that the world has changed so much.
Just the technology alone is mind-boggling! When I had the stroke, there
were no such things as cell phones and all the other electronic gadgets that
people today deem necessary. Computers were just starting to come in but
they were far from wide spread. While I am extremely grateful for the
technology that enables me to use a computer, I am still old-fashioned
enough to think that I would prefer phone calls to texts, actual shopping
to doing it online and real books to electronic ones. I have to admit,
though, that because I can't use the technology right now, I have never been
too interested in it.
Another way in which the world the world has changed, and not for the
better, is in its values. It was not so great back when I had the stroke but
nothing like it is now. I mostly determine the present values by the
commercials on tv and, oh my goodness. It is no wonder kids are turning out
so warped. Even though I don't watch sitcoms and other shows, I understand
that they portray values that are just as bad, if not worse.
Another qualm is that I might get thrust into the spotlight. Of course, I
don't know about that for sure but, for somebody who has never liked to have
attention drawn to myself, it is a intimidating thought.
A final qualm, though one I have never thought about much, is that, once I
have received my healing, I will have to go back to doing everything for
myself. Right now, somebody else is doing everything for me. I am primarily
thinking about finances, though there are certainly other areas as well.
Right now, somebody else is looking after all my financial concerns,
including taxes, and I am not overly keen on doing it myself again. One
qualm I don't have, though, is where my money will come from. Once I am
healed, money I am now getting will be cut off and I have no idea where
money will come from. I just know it will come from somewhere.
These are a few of the qualms that I have right now but I am pretty sure
that, when the time comes,they will all vanish. Very likely, I will have to
make more of an effort to set aside time to be alone with God but it can be
done. I know that, once I receive my healing, I will have to learn to use
some of the technology that I have been avoiding. But, once I make up my
mind to learn something, it usually doesn't take me long to learn it. So I
should be ok there. I really don't know if I will be thrust into the spotlight
or not but, if I am,with God's help, I will cope. The key word to all this
is "adapt". God will help me to adapt to whatever comes.
Me
At the beloved/hated writing vessel
Tuesday, 31 March 2015
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
A Few Things That I Would Like To Do
-Of course, do know that God probably
has a totally different agenda of things that He wants me to do. Still, I
thought I would mention some of the things that, through the years, I have
kind of wanted to do.
Almost from the first that I was a Christian, I thought that I would like to
be a long-term missionary and actually live with the native people
somewhere. Not right away, though. I remember telling God that I didn't want
to go to Africa because I liked my comfort too much. Self-centered or what!
Anyway, I believe that you can never really know a person until you have
spent time with them. I am sure that goes for groups of people as well. But
that desire of mine has diminished over the years as I feel I am getting too
old for anything like that. However the other day, during my Bible reading ,
it dawned on me that, many times, God used people "advanced in years" to
carry out His plans so who knows?
One thing that has always bothered me is not being able do anything in the
church. As a result, I often feel like I am on the outside looking in. Being
as I like children, especially small children, I always thought that I would
enjoy
teaching Sunday school. But I am not able to so it is pointless to even
think about it.
I have often heard people talking about places that they have been too or
are going. To be honest, a hot place like Mexico or Jamaica has no appeal to
me. An Alaskan cruise would be much more up my alley. But what I would
really like to do, if I was able and had the time and money, is buy a RV and
travel all over Canada. This is such a large country and I am sure there
are lots of interesting and quaint places if one just looks for them.
One place that I would like to go is Sweden. The reason is my Swedish
heritage on my father's side. His family has actually been traced back to
Sweden a couple of hundred years ago. I would also like to visit the country
where my mother's family originated but it is a bit more complicated. Even
though they are German, they had immigrated to Russia before coming to North
America.
I would like to be able to sing. And not just a “joyful noise to the the
Lord”. I would like to be able to actually carry a tune. Not that I would
want to sing in public-Heaven forbid! Just to sing to myself and God. And,
of course, to really sing along with my music. It seems odd to think about
singing when can't even talk but, someday, who knows?
These are just a few of the things that, over the years, I thought I would
like to do. Whether I actually get to do them or not is another story. My
entire future is in God’s hands and He may have totally different plans for
me.
has a totally different agenda of things that He wants me to do. Still, I
thought I would mention some of the things that, through the years, I have
kind of wanted to do.
Almost from the first that I was a Christian, I thought that I would like to
be a long-term missionary and actually live with the native people
somewhere. Not right away, though. I remember telling God that I didn't want
to go to Africa because I liked my comfort too much. Self-centered or what!
Anyway, I believe that you can never really know a person until you have
spent time with them. I am sure that goes for groups of people as well. But
that desire of mine has diminished over the years as I feel I am getting too
old for anything like that. However the other day, during my Bible reading ,
it dawned on me that, many times, God used people "advanced in years" to
carry out His plans so who knows?
One thing that has always bothered me is not being able do anything in the
church. As a result, I often feel like I am on the outside looking in. Being
as I like children, especially small children, I always thought that I would
enjoy
teaching Sunday school. But I am not able to so it is pointless to even
think about it.
I have often heard people talking about places that they have been too or
are going. To be honest, a hot place like Mexico or Jamaica has no appeal to
me. An Alaskan cruise would be much more up my alley. But what I would
really like to do, if I was able and had the time and money, is buy a RV and
travel all over Canada. This is such a large country and I am sure there
are lots of interesting and quaint places if one just looks for them.
One place that I would like to go is Sweden. The reason is my Swedish
heritage on my father's side. His family has actually been traced back to
Sweden a couple of hundred years ago. I would also like to visit the country
where my mother's family originated but it is a bit more complicated. Even
though they are German, they had immigrated to Russia before coming to North
America.
I would like to be able to sing. And not just a “joyful noise to the the
Lord”. I would like to be able to actually carry a tune. Not that I would
want to sing in public-Heaven forbid! Just to sing to myself and God. And,
of course, to really sing along with my music. It seems odd to think about
singing when can't even talk but, someday, who knows?
These are just a few of the things that, over the years, I thought I would
like to do. Whether I actually get to do them or not is another story. My
entire future is in God’s hands and He may have totally different plans for
me.
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
Writing
Writing-A couple of nights before I started to write this blog, before I
fell asleep, I told the Lord that He better give me something to write about
real soon. Inside I felt these words, "Write about writing". My response
was,
"Ok, Lord, but You will have to help me. I don't have a clue what to write".
I just felt the best way to approach the topic is with a series of
questions.
The first question is, "When do I write"? I do most of my writing in the
mornings between breakfast and lunch. I do my Bible reading before breakfast
and, by evening, I am usually too tired to do much writing. If I do write in
the evening, I try to keep it short as it seems that, when I am tired, I
make more mistakes and have to keep going back and correcting them.
The second question is, "How do I write"? I have no choice but to do all my
writing on my computer. Obviously, though, I am not able to use a computer
like most people. I operate my computer with a clicker thing (my mouse)
behind my head. My computer has a grid at the bottom of the screen. It
presents several options of programs to choose from. Internet, e-mail, word
pad, tv, music. I activate the scanner by hitting the clicker. It scans down
until it reaches the line with the program that I want. I hit the clicker
again and it scans across. Once it reaches the program I want, I click again
and it takes me to that program. Say I want to write an e-mail. The e-mail
has its own grid. I select keyboard. Then I can start writing. I select the
letters one by one, using the scanner. I know that this sounds complicated
but, for me, it is not. I have been doing it for so long that I am fairly
quick at it. Writing anything does take quite awhile but it is better than
nothing.
Question # 3. What do I write? When I do my Bible reading, I use different
translations of the Bible. When I come across an interesting statement or
way of saying something, I write it down. I have doing that for years. Same
with sermons at church. If the speaker makes an interesting comment, I try
to remember it and write it down when I next use my computer. Another bit of
writing that I do is that when I am reading, devotionals or other materials,
I write down "catchy" phrases. I have a collection of over 1100. I used to
write quite a few letters but, now, it is mostly e-mails. Primarily to
friends and relatives. One of my priorities in writing are these blogs. I
almost forgot: something I used to do that maybe I should get back to is
writing poetry.
The fourth question is "Who do I write to"? A lot of what I write is just
for myself. The notes on Bible reading and sermons, the collection of
"catchy" phrases, the poetry. E-mails are mostly to friends and relatives,
though, once in awhile, I have another type of e-mail to write. I am not too
sure who I write these blogs to as I have no idea who all reads them.
The last question is, "Why do I write"? The first reason is to help me
remember. In order to make notes on my Bible reading or sermons and to write
down "catchy" phrases , I have to memorize what I read or heard which helps
me to remember. I also write to communicate. I stay in touch with people by
e-mail but I also use e-mail to communicate with different departments of
the hospital. i. e. dietician, therapy, recreation, etc. It is easier than
going through the nurses. II f I get a visitor while I am using the
computer, I will often talk to them by writing on my computer. I have to
admit that writing this blog is simple obedience to God. If I didn't feel He
wanted me to write it, I wouldn't be writing it. Writing, because it takes
me so long, is a good way to pass time. That is why I first started writing
poetry. To pass time but I found that it is a way to praise God and keep my
focus on Him. Finally, I write simply because it is one of the few things I
can do.
fell asleep, I told the Lord that He better give me something to write about
real soon. Inside I felt these words, "Write about writing". My response
was,
"Ok, Lord, but You will have to help me. I don't have a clue what to write".
I just felt the best way to approach the topic is with a series of
questions.
The first question is, "When do I write"? I do most of my writing in the
mornings between breakfast and lunch. I do my Bible reading before breakfast
and, by evening, I am usually too tired to do much writing. If I do write in
the evening, I try to keep it short as it seems that, when I am tired, I
make more mistakes and have to keep going back and correcting them.
The second question is, "How do I write"? I have no choice but to do all my
writing on my computer. Obviously, though, I am not able to use a computer
like most people. I operate my computer with a clicker thing (my mouse)
behind my head. My computer has a grid at the bottom of the screen. It
presents several options of programs to choose from. Internet, e-mail, word
pad, tv, music. I activate the scanner by hitting the clicker. It scans down
until it reaches the line with the program that I want. I hit the clicker
again and it scans across. Once it reaches the program I want, I click again
and it takes me to that program. Say I want to write an e-mail. The e-mail
has its own grid. I select keyboard. Then I can start writing. I select the
letters one by one, using the scanner. I know that this sounds complicated
but, for me, it is not. I have been doing it for so long that I am fairly
quick at it. Writing anything does take quite awhile but it is better than
nothing.
Question # 3. What do I write? When I do my Bible reading, I use different
translations of the Bible. When I come across an interesting statement or
way of saying something, I write it down. I have doing that for years. Same
with sermons at church. If the speaker makes an interesting comment, I try
to remember it and write it down when I next use my computer. Another bit of
writing that I do is that when I am reading, devotionals or other materials,
I write down "catchy" phrases. I have a collection of over 1100. I used to
write quite a few letters but, now, it is mostly e-mails. Primarily to
friends and relatives. One of my priorities in writing are these blogs. I
almost forgot: something I used to do that maybe I should get back to is
writing poetry.
The fourth question is "Who do I write to"? A lot of what I write is just
for myself. The notes on Bible reading and sermons, the collection of
"catchy" phrases, the poetry. E-mails are mostly to friends and relatives,
though, once in awhile, I have another type of e-mail to write. I am not too
sure who I write these blogs to as I have no idea who all reads them.
The last question is, "Why do I write"? The first reason is to help me
remember. In order to make notes on my Bible reading or sermons and to write
down "catchy" phrases , I have to memorize what I read or heard which helps
me to remember. I also write to communicate. I stay in touch with people by
e-mail but I also use e-mail to communicate with different departments of
the hospital. i. e. dietician, therapy, recreation, etc. It is easier than
going through the nurses. II f I get a visitor while I am using the
computer, I will often talk to them by writing on my computer. I have to
admit that writing this blog is simple obedience to God. If I didn't feel He
wanted me to write it, I wouldn't be writing it. Writing, because it takes
me so long, is a good way to pass time. That is why I first started writing
poetry. To pass time but I found that it is a way to praise God and keep my
focus on Him. Finally, I write simply because it is one of the few things I
can do.
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Victory
VICTORY-The other day the word "victory" popped into my mind. That is
definitely something that I expect in my life one of these days. Being
healed by God will definitely be a victory over my present circumstances.
The ultimate victory, though, will be when I finally get to heaven and see
the Lord in person. In the meantime, I thought that it would be kind of fun
take the letters from the word "victory" and come up with some words that
describe my life at present.
The words that I came up with for "v" are "very good". Now I know that my
relationship with God is "very good" and I know that all the time that I
have to spend with Him is "very good" but, to be honest, I can't see many
other things in my life that I would classify as "very good". Perhaps some
of the people, nurses and otherwise, in my life. I have developed a "very
good" relationship with some people that I probably wouldn't have met if I
had been in a different situation.
This one was easy. My "I" word is "incredible". I did, and still do, find
it "incredible" that there really is God. And I find it "incredible" that,
one day, I will be going to heaven to live with the Lord forever. My mind
still hasn't wrapped around that one. The fact, though, that God has
promised to heal me in this life, before I go to heaven, is really
"incredible". Another "incredible" in my life is the fact that I have gone
through so much for so long and am still, relatively, sane. I even manage to
laugh at times.
The word for "c" is "character". Even though I know that God could have
healed me the minute I became a born-again Christian and became a child of
His, I also suspect that there has been a waiting period in order to
develop "character" in me. I can't help thinking that I must be a real slow
learner to need so much time! One of the "character" traits that I am
learning is patience. Living in Long-term care is helping with that as there
is plenty of waiting in this place. Waiting so long for my miracle is
teaching me things like endurance, perseverance and steadfastness. I also
believe that God is using Long-term care to try and knock pride out of me.
It is kind of hard to have too much pride when others have to do everything
for me. Including wiping my snotty nose. I may not be pride free but God is
working on it.
"T" is for "trust". Because I can't do anything for myself, "trust" has to
be a big part of my life. Of course, I know that I can "trust" God to do
what He promised in His time and to help me to endure until then. But I
also have to "trust" people. That is not as easy for me as trusting God.
Because of promises made to me that haven't been kept, it takes me time
before I really "trust" people to do what they say they will do. But I am so
thankful for the ones that I have come to "trust" and do things for me that
I can't do for myself. Which is just about everything.
The word I came up with for "o" is "obstinate" or stubborn. God is stubborn in
the sense that, once He has a plan for our life, we are not going to change
it so why bother trying. Being "obstinate" is helping me to carry on. No
matter how bad it gets, I am too "obstinate" to give up. So being
"obstinate" is not a bad thing when it makes me determined to hang on.
Unfortunately, I don't always use it that way.
My "r" word is "real". When I first came out of the coma after the stroke, I
thought it was all a bad dream and I would wake up and be the same as
before. Wrong, oh so wrong! Since then, though , I have had to accept as
"real" some things, both good and bad. The good, God is and so is my
eventual healing. The bad, I may be a Christian but I am still a human
being. I feel the pain, discomfort, loneliness and boredom as much as
anybody else.
Lastly, the letter "y" makes me think of "years, years and more years". It
has been "years" since I had the stroke, "years" that I have been a
Christian, "years" since God made me the promise of healing, "years" in
Long-term care. But, when the thought of all those "years" starts to pull me
down, I need to remind myself that, compared to going to Heaven and living
forever, these "years" are really nothing.
There you have it. My take on the word victory.
definitely something that I expect in my life one of these days. Being
healed by God will definitely be a victory over my present circumstances.
The ultimate victory, though, will be when I finally get to heaven and see
the Lord in person. In the meantime, I thought that it would be kind of fun
take the letters from the word "victory" and come up with some words that
describe my life at present.
The words that I came up with for "v" are "very good". Now I know that my
relationship with God is "very good" and I know that all the time that I
have to spend with Him is "very good" but, to be honest, I can't see many
other things in my life that I would classify as "very good". Perhaps some
of the people, nurses and otherwise, in my life. I have developed a "very
good" relationship with some people that I probably wouldn't have met if I
had been in a different situation.
This one was easy. My "I" word is "incredible". I did, and still do, find
it "incredible" that there really is God. And I find it "incredible" that,
one day, I will be going to heaven to live with the Lord forever. My mind
still hasn't wrapped around that one. The fact, though, that God has
promised to heal me in this life, before I go to heaven, is really
"incredible". Another "incredible" in my life is the fact that I have gone
through so much for so long and am still, relatively, sane. I even manage to
laugh at times.
The word for "c" is "character". Even though I know that God could have
healed me the minute I became a born-again Christian and became a child of
His, I also suspect that there has been a waiting period in order to
develop "character" in me. I can't help thinking that I must be a real slow
learner to need so much time! One of the "character" traits that I am
learning is patience. Living in Long-term care is helping with that as there
is plenty of waiting in this place. Waiting so long for my miracle is
teaching me things like endurance, perseverance and steadfastness. I also
believe that God is using Long-term care to try and knock pride out of me.
It is kind of hard to have too much pride when others have to do everything
for me. Including wiping my snotty nose. I may not be pride free but God is
working on it.
"T" is for "trust". Because I can't do anything for myself, "trust" has to
be a big part of my life. Of course, I know that I can "trust" God to do
what He promised in His time and to help me to endure until then. But I
also have to "trust" people. That is not as easy for me as trusting God.
Because of promises made to me that haven't been kept, it takes me time
before I really "trust" people to do what they say they will do. But I am so
thankful for the ones that I have come to "trust" and do things for me that
I can't do for myself. Which is just about everything.
The word I came up with for "o" is "obstinate" or stubborn. God is stubborn in
the sense that, once He has a plan for our life, we are not going to change
it so why bother trying. Being "obstinate" is helping me to carry on. No
matter how bad it gets, I am too "obstinate" to give up. So being
"obstinate" is not a bad thing when it makes me determined to hang on.
Unfortunately, I don't always use it that way.
My "r" word is "real". When I first came out of the coma after the stroke, I
thought it was all a bad dream and I would wake up and be the same as
before. Wrong, oh so wrong! Since then, though , I have had to accept as
"real" some things, both good and bad. The good, God is and so is my
eventual healing. The bad, I may be a Christian but I am still a human
being. I feel the pain, discomfort, loneliness and boredom as much as
anybody else.
Lastly, the letter "y" makes me think of "years, years and more years". It
has been "years" since I had the stroke, "years" that I have been a
Christian, "years" since God made me the promise of healing, "years" in
Long-term care. But, when the thought of all those "years" starts to pull me
down, I need to remind myself that, compared to going to Heaven and living
forever, these "years" are really nothing.
There you have it. My take on the word victory.
Wednesday, 4 March 2015
Lighter Moments
Lighter Moments-Even though the last 31+ years have been fraught
with tedium, frustration, loneliness and all manner of not-so-pleasant
feelings,
there have been some lighter moments as well. Today, I would like to focus
on them rather than dwelling on all the negatives in my current situation.
l often let you know just how dreary life in Long-term care is but it does
have it's lighter moments too. I joke around with the nurses a lot. To be
honest, at times, we get downright silly. But I know that the joking around with
the nurses is helping me to cope with a very "challenging" situation. I
suspect that it helps the nurses as well. They don't have an easy job so it
is probably refreshing for them to take a few minutes to just be silly.
Watching the elderly at mealtimes can also make me laugh. At times, they can
be like little kids. I don't mean that in a demeaning sort of way. Just
that, at times, some of the things they do and say can be just as hilarious
as little kids. I love little kids because they are so genuine and will say
whatever pops into their heads. At times, elderly people can be the same.
There have also been lighter moments for me at church. Maybe not so much
lately as I am feeling so fatigued. But I have had plenty of lighter moments
in church in the past. Especially times when the Holy Spirit came over me
and I couldn’t stop laughing. It is pretty hard to feel down and discouraged
when laughing uncontrollably. Even now, the pastor will often say something
that makes me laugh, no matter how I am feeling. It is so good to be in a
church where we are free to laugh out loud .
Over the years, I have been able to go on other outings that have helped to
lighten up my day-to-day life. One thing that meant a lot to me was being
able to go to the high school graduation for both of my kids, although that
was some ago. Thankfully, at the time, they were living here with their
dad. Over the years, there have been weddings, baby showers and other events
to go to which brighten up my days. I also like to go out to eat. I am sure
people stare but I don't even notice because it is such a treat for me
not to have to eat hospital food. Another treat is when I can be away from
the Long-term care for a night or two. I have had sleepovers with my
"adopted" family which was wonderful. I am so grateful for the people who
made it possible. Definitely not a time to be down in the dumps! I have also
been able to go to Edmonton 2-3 times to see my grandson. When you don't
have a lot in your life to be excited about, a trip to Edmonton and sleeping
in a hotel is pretty exciting. Add to that a couple of day trips to
Lloydminster and you can see that I do get a few breaks from the tedium of
Long-term care.
No matter how miserable I am feeling, one thing that can always make me
smile are my grandkids. Unfortunately, my real grandson doesn't live here so
I don't get to see him in person but it always makes me smile to visit with
him and watch him play via skype or facetime. But I do get to see my adopted
grandkids frequently. And they never cease to bring a smile to my face.
Especially when they are crawling all over me.
It is true that my day-to-day life is not a whole lot of fun but it also
would be a lie say that there are no lighter, brighter moments.
with tedium, frustration, loneliness and all manner of not-so-pleasant
feelings,
there have been some lighter moments as well. Today, I would like to focus
on them rather than dwelling on all the negatives in my current situation.
l often let you know just how dreary life in Long-term care is but it does
have it's lighter moments too. I joke around with the nurses a lot. To be
honest, at times, we get downright silly. But I know that the joking around with
the nurses is helping me to cope with a very "challenging" situation. I
suspect that it helps the nurses as well. They don't have an easy job so it
is probably refreshing for them to take a few minutes to just be silly.
Watching the elderly at mealtimes can also make me laugh. At times, they can
be like little kids. I don't mean that in a demeaning sort of way. Just
that, at times, some of the things they do and say can be just as hilarious
as little kids. I love little kids because they are so genuine and will say
whatever pops into their heads. At times, elderly people can be the same.
There have also been lighter moments for me at church. Maybe not so much
lately as I am feeling so fatigued. But I have had plenty of lighter moments
in church in the past. Especially times when the Holy Spirit came over me
and I couldn’t stop laughing. It is pretty hard to feel down and discouraged
when laughing uncontrollably. Even now, the pastor will often say something
that makes me laugh, no matter how I am feeling. It is so good to be in a
church where we are free to laugh out loud .
Over the years, I have been able to go on other outings that have helped to
lighten up my day-to-day life. One thing that meant a lot to me was being
able to go to the high school graduation for both of my kids, although that
was some ago. Thankfully, at the time, they were living here with their
dad. Over the years, there have been weddings, baby showers and other events
to go to which brighten up my days. I also like to go out to eat. I am sure
people stare but I don't even notice because it is such a treat for me
not to have to eat hospital food. Another treat is when I can be away from
the Long-term care for a night or two. I have had sleepovers with my
"adopted" family which was wonderful. I am so grateful for the people who
made it possible. Definitely not a time to be down in the dumps! I have also
been able to go to Edmonton 2-3 times to see my grandson. When you don't
have a lot in your life to be excited about, a trip to Edmonton and sleeping
in a hotel is pretty exciting. Add to that a couple of day trips to
Lloydminster and you can see that I do get a few breaks from the tedium of
Long-term care.
No matter how miserable I am feeling, one thing that can always make me
smile are my grandkids. Unfortunately, my real grandson doesn't live here so
I don't get to see him in person but it always makes me smile to visit with
him and watch him play via skype or facetime. But I do get to see my adopted
grandkids frequently. And they never cease to bring a smile to my face.
Especially when they are crawling all over me.
It is true that my day-to-day life is not a whole lot of fun but it also
would be a lie say that there are no lighter, brighter moments.
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